Mixing It Up
By Esther Mann, LCSW
I’m so excited–I believe I’ve finally found my soul mate!
I was married–and miserable–for 11 years, and after getting divorced and being single for five years, I met Shaya, an unbelievable man who seems to be everything I ever hoped for. Shaya also suffered tremendously in his first marriage. That’s something the two of us definitely have in common, and we are able to commiserate with one another and really understand what the other went through.
But our relationship isn’t only about sharing our pain. He is very easygoing (I am, too), and we laugh a lot together and can have a really fun time. All in all, we are both feeling very blessed.
Over the years, I’ve gotten friendly with other divorced women and I’ve seen some of them remarry. I’m still friendly with a few of them, and though some are doing better than others, they are all quick to tell me that second marriages are very hard. In some ways, they’re harder than first ones, since new issues are introduced into the mix. But a lot of the things they warn me about just don’t seem relevant to me. For instance, many of them seem to struggle with money issues. How are expenses shared? Who pays for what? All that stuff. I don’t think Shaya and I have to worry about that. Thank G-d, he is successful and very generous.
There are other aspects of remarriage that they warn me about, which I don’t think apply to us. However, the one area that everyone complains to me about is the whole “blended family” challenge. It seems to be complicated and a potential minefield.
As wonderful as Shaya is, I think his easygoing nature sets him up to be taken advantage of. I’ve been with his two children a couple of times–he has an 11-year-old son and a 9-year-old daughter–and, honestly, I really don’t like what I see. I find that they do not show him much respect, and by virtue of my connection to him, they don’t show me much respect either. Thank G-d, my three children are well-behaved and respectful. I’ve always had to run a tight ship, especially after getting divorced, as I work full-time and need all of us to work together as a team. I think they have become very responsible, and, as a result, respectful.
Shaya and I plan on getting married at the end of October. Can you share with me some tips about mothering my two stepchildren when they will be staying with us? I don’t want them to create a terrible environment for the rest of us, and I am not clear what my role should be in terms of enforcing rules and consequences. Also, should I be applying the same rules and consequences to them that I apply to my own children? And if not, how do I explain that to my kids? For instance, if bedtime is 10 p.m., and Shaya doesn’t care what time his children go to bed, how can this possibly work? Don’t they all have to be on the same schedule with the same rules so that it seems fair?
Stepmom
Dear Stepmom,
Mazal tov on having met Shaya–he sounds wonderful! I wish you both much happiness and success, particularly as it relates to your “blended” family.
Though I know this doesn’t apply to all second marriages, I’d like to share something that was told to me by a woman who had recently remarried and was dealing with a bunch of children from both sides. She said, “There is no such thing as a blended family. That’s a made-up term. It’s not possible for them to ever really blend.”
True, that was one woman’s experience. But having spoken to many women in second marriages, I have come to realize that it’s a very tricky business for all sorts of reasons. A lot, of course, depends on the ages of the children involved. Parenting styles also play a huge factor, as do the specific personalities and dispositions of each child involved.
But I will give you some general rules to follow that will hopefully enable you and Shaya to minimize the struggles with this often challenging aspect of second marriages. First off, you asked me for some “tips about mothering these two stepchildren.” You need to know that your job is not to “mother” them. I’m under the impression that they have a mother, who is alive and well, and it is her job to mother them. She may be doing a really bad job at mothering them, but so long as she is their main caretaker, you don’t have the option of teaching them how to live. Frankly, your job is to be a gracious hostess to them and maybe even a good friend, if they are open to that relationship.
The conversation you should be focused on–and this conversation should be happening now, before you and Shaya actually tie the knot–is what your expectations are for Shaya when he has his children at home. Explain to him that you’ve observed his children’s lack of respect and how that needs to change–for his sake, your sake, your children’s sake, and, ultimately, for his children’s sake. No one wins when children are spoiled and left to run amok. And as you pointed out, there can’t be mixed and confusing messages and rules applied to his children vs. your own.
As you’ve mentioned, Shaya has an easygoing nature, which may play into his soft parenting. Additionally, many divorced fathers who are no longer seeing their children as often as they would like suffer from feelings of guilt, and because of their guilt, they have a hard time saying no to their children, thereby spoiling them relentlessly. If one or both of these possibilities apply to Shaya, now is the time to help him regroup and learn how to parent differently. If he is somehow resistant, or unable to hear this from you, he should speak with a therapist who has experience in this area and who can help him work through his resistance toward proper parenting.
Next, keep your expectations realistic. There are so many opportunities for defensive behavior on everyone’s part. Don’t necessarily expect smooth sailing from the get-go; there will be bumps in the road. But you and Shaya should try to keep your sense of humor about much of it, and when you or he feels that issues surrounding his and your children are creating stress within your marriage, run–do not walk–to your nearest therapists to nip the issues in the bud.
I think it’s great that you’re going into this marriage with your eyes wide open. That will certainly help you at the start, and remember that your new life, with all its moving parts, will be a work in progress. It will take time for all of you to settle into your new normal. You don’t have to be best friends with his children, your children don’t have to be best friends with his children, and Shaya doesn’t have to be best friends with your children. But you all do have to behave with respect and cooperation.
Much luck in your new life together with Shaya.
Esther
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.
