Dear Esther,
With the yomim tovim over, I’m having a very hard time shaking this feeling that I’ve felt from Rosh Hashanah and on. There have been many years when I can honestly say I’ve had full-fledged meltdowns at this time, really losing it and making a fool of myself. This year I was determined to hold it together and not have a meltdown. And I didn’t, I’m happy to say. Instead, however, I had a “sad-down,” an overall feeling of sadness over so many different aspects of how my yom tov played out. I can’t seem to move on from this funk that I’ve been in now for a while.
Yom tov is never good for me. My husband is a nervous man. If things aren’t perfect, he’ll yell and scream, complain, and terrorize everyone. I work very hard for weeks in advance, and I try my hardest to make everything perfect. Though I work full-time, I stay up late every night, planning, shopping, cooking, and living on almost no sleep, in order to get everything set for the holidays. I don’t get much help from anyone in my family. I’m sure I raised them wrong, but at this point, no one feels particularly obligated to help out very much. Certainly, no one offers, and when I ask for help, I get attitude. Sometimes, it’s just easier for me to do everything by myself than to deal with their attitudes.
Additionally, among my five children, ranging in ages from 8 to 19, there are many personalities that simply don’t blend. There is nonstop bickering among them, and I’m sure everyone is feeling that they’d all rather be anywhere else but at our yom tov table. Frankly, I would rather be anywhere else than at our table!
Although they are all looking pretty unhappy, unlike me, they don’t also have chapped hands from all the cooking and cleaning, and bags under their eyes from lack of sleep. I put out so much and there is no pay-off! It’s like I’m working like a dog in order to suffer. It makes no sense.
But what is there to do? I can’t exactly cancel the yomim tovim. I can’t check out before Rosh Hashanah and return after Simchat Torah. I feel like this scene just repeats itself year after year, and I’m stuck in this depressing place with no hope in sight.
During the year, though my husband is very difficult and my children are moody and obnoxious at times, I have some great distractions that allow me to feel gratitude and some peace and happiness. My job is fulfilling, and I work with wonderful people who appreciate me and my efforts, and I appreciate them. I also have some special friends with whom I can be very real, as they are real with me, and we’re able to comfort each other and even have a good laugh at some of the absurdities of our lives.
But once the holidays start, I feel like I get sucked into a vortex of pain that I can’t get out of for weeks on end, and it seems to get worse from year to year. I know I’m safe until Pesach, which is a while away, but still, I can’t help thinking that there’s got to be a better way, something I should be doing so that I don’t have to dread the yomim tovim, and maybe even enjoy a little (wishful thinking)!
Is there any hope for me?
“Sad-down”
Dear “Sad-down,”
The yomim tovim are not easy for most. Yes, we all know one or two individuals who declare that they absolutely love yom tov, look forward to it with bated breath, and can’t wait for the marathon to begin. They are few and far between. Most of us experience a mixed bag. Hopefully, we relish meaningful experiences at shul, lovely meals with those we love, and a sense of togetherness with family, friends, and the community at large. But we can’t ignore the enormous efforts that are required of us. There is no getting around the nonstop planning, shopping, cooking, hosting, and cleaning that’s on repeat. Depending on the help available to us, or perhaps no help at all, the amount of energy and effort required of us varies, but this period of time is no doubt something to be reckoned with.
Also, most of us deal with one or more family members who can be challenging at best and often painful at worst. Those people we manage to avoid during the year but feel obligated to include now, because, after all, it’s yom tov. Or perhaps we’re dealing with the disappointment of family members living far away or choosing not to connect for whatever reasons, and we are forced to face the sadness that accompanies their empty seat at the table. There are so many different family dynamics that arise at this time that often seem unavoidable. Yom tov can bring out the worst in families and the best in families!
But everything I just described is what I refer to as “garden variety” yom tov challenges; most people experience them, but all the good stuff that they also experience kind of cancels out the hardship and, all in all, the holiday turns out to be anything from fine to actually quite nice.
However, what you describe is definitely beyond the pale. Your yom tov is symptomatic of a much greater dysfunction that clearly is part-and-parcel of your family structure. It sounds to me as though there is much work to be done in order to create a more harmonious and loving environment between you and your crew.
Let’s look at your husband, for a start. You describe him as “nervous” and add that he terrorizes everyone when he is dissatisfied. Well, why is that OK? I’m guessing that it peaks during the yomim tovim, but I have to believe that this trait is present all year round and you are all subject to his self-indulgent acting-out. It sounds to me as though the two of you ought to be working with a marriage counselor in order to create healthy boundaries and an understanding of what kind of behavior is acceptable, and what isn’t, in a marriage.
It also sounds as though your children are out of control and you’ve lost your edge over them. Yes, it’s possible that the five of them all have distinctly different personalities and no one is a great fan of the other, but there still has to be some level of respect and cohesiveness.
Yom tov can be a microcosm of everything that is imperfect within a family, and even within an individual. If a person is feeling inadequate in some way, not quite enough, needy, wanting, lonely — the list goes on — the yomim tovim exacerbate those painful feelings and heighten one’s awareness of all that is not right in his or her life.
My suggestion to you is to try to work on your marriage and your family in general, starting now. There are no guarantees that you’ll ever be the “happy family” where everyone holds hands and sings “Kumbaya” together, but I’m hoping that you can elevate the levels of respect and create better boundaries all around.
Also, in the future, perhaps you should consider not overburdening yourself to create a perfect yom tov situation, but rather divvy up jobs for everyone, including your husband, and hope for the best. If they don’t come through and there is no salad at the meal, for instance, so be it. Lower your bar in all respects and perhaps you’ll find yourself less disappointed.
The bottom line is that yom tov may never be your favorite time of the year. For many, unfortunately, it isn’t. But we get through it and hopefully learn to make the best of it, and, most importantly, learn how to quickly transition back to the life we feel we have more control over, with less collateral damage. I’m glad you are no longer experiencing “meltdowns.” Next up is overcoming your typical “sad-downs.” We can’t make the yomim tovim go away, and my guess is that you probably wouldn’t really want to. But we can tweak our expectations, efforts, and focus on the more manageable parts of our lives.
Esther
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.
