Mindbiz: Money For Nothing

Dear Esther,

My friend Lisa and I grew up together, and we were pretty much in sync throughout our lives, going to the same schools and camps and having very similar lifestyles and beliefs. We both grew up in modest homes and were the opposite of spoiled.

When we got back from Israel, we were both gung-ho about marrying a full-time learning guy. However, after a year or so, I lost some of that fervor and wound up marrying Yitz, who is successful in his family’s business, though he is still sincere and learns when he can. I’m thrilled that I eventually came to this place and feel very blessed. Lisa, on the other hand, hung on to her extreme beliefs and did marry a full-time learner whose plan was to continue learning until maybe, someday, he’d go into “chinuch.” Lisa works as a speech therapist and earns some kind of living, but certainly her lifestyle is very different than mine, and as her family has been growing at a rapid rate, there is never enough money to go around.

Lisa and I try to meet at least once a month for a quick breakfast or some other get-together. From the beginning it was clear to both of us that I would pay for the meal. It just made sense. I was happy to do so, since the small tab was not going to change my life at all, but we both knew that it would make a difference in Lisa’s life. Sometimes we’d walk along Central Avenue and pop into some shops and admire a nice sweater or scarf or some other pretty little thing.

The first time I saw Lisa fall in love with a top that she couldn’t afford, I offered to buy it for her. Her initial reaction was discomfort, but I managed to convince her that it would give me much pleasure to give it to her and I came up with some excuse. She finally agreed and was thrilled with her new gift. After a while, it almost became a pattern. We both knew that after our sit-down meal and talk, I’d eventually buy her something special that she would never be able to buy for herself. It made us both very happy.

A few years ago, Lisa called me up frantic and told me that her washing machine broke. With so many children, she couldn’t manage to go more than a day or two without washing a load, and she asked me whether I could loan her money for a new machine. My husband Yitz is extremely kind and generous, and when I asked him, he didn’t hesitate to say yes. And so we “loaned” her the money. Needless to say, we’ve never seen a dime of that money back. At the time, Yitz told me that he figured we’d never see any of the money back and that I shouldn’t be surprised. I guess from the get-go, he was a lot smarter than I am.

Similar situations have arisen over the years, where Lisa felt perfectly comfortable asking for “loans” for this and that. Maybe we created a monster, enabling Lisa to feel fine asking for loans, which really meant asking for money from us. It’s not that we can’t afford it or that by helping her we won’t be able to pay our mortgage. Far from it! It’s just that her requests have become more frequent and for larger sums of money.

Recently, Yitz told me that it was getting out of hand, and though he is a generous person, he felt that it was time for Lisa’s husband to start earning a living and that there were more meaningful tzedakahs to give our money to. He didn’t have a problem with my picking up the tab for a meal, but that’s where he decided we needed to start drawing the line.

I understand where Yitz is coming from and, frankly, though I dearly love Lisa, I am surprised and unhappy with the way in which she’s changed and is now so comfortable taking handouts. This is not the friend I grew up with who had so much pride and dignity. It hurts me and disappoints me to see how easy it is for Lisa to ask for stuff—almost as if it’s coming to her.

Last week, Lisa told me that her refrigerator was on its last leg and asked if we could “loan” her money for a new one. Well, of course you can’t live without a refrigerator, especially with so many young children. However, when I asked Yitz if we could help out, he became very stern and said absolutely not. Those days are over!

I’m feeling very unsettled right now. Yitz has always been very kind and generous in general and toward Lisa, but he’s finished bailing them out. I seriously don’t know what to do. I understand where Yitz is coming from, but I also know that we can afford to help them. And since Yitz is always so generous with me, I know that it would be easy for me to pull together the money for a basic, new refrigerator without Yitz even realizing it, and I could help her out. I also know that we have so much and that it wouldn’t affect our lives in the least, but it would make a world of difference to Lisa.

So my question is, rather than rock the boat, should I just manage Lisa’s needs on my own, without upsetting Yitz, and continue doing what I can for Lisa without involving Yitz? I do feel very sorry for Lisa and I look at her lifestyle and how everything is such a struggle for her and almost feel guilty that I have it so easy. Is there anything wrong with quietly continuing this pattern?

Concerned Friend,

Dear Concerned Friend,

You and Yitz are obviously very kind individuals with big hearts and generous souls. Lisa is very lucky to be such a close friend of yours. It sounds like you and Yitz have bailed them out more than a few times and enabled them to continue their lifestyle, knowing that they had you two as backups whenever circumstances fell apart, which, of course, they always do.

What started out as a friendly treat at breakfast and even the addition of a little gift thrown in has turned into a huge responsibility landing on your shoulders. Frankly, this whole arrangement sounds kind of extreme to me, though, logically, I can hear where you’re coming from. You and Yitz have so much, Lisa and her husband have so little, so why not bail them out repeatedly since it won’t affect the quality of your life and will mean so much to Lisa.

There are a few problems with this logic, however. First and foremost, your allegiance must always be with your husband. (Assuming he’s not being ridiculously unreasonable in his demands.) Sneakily defying his wishes would be detrimental to your marriage. Even if Yitz never found out that you were putting aside money on your own to help out Lisa, this behavior creates a feeling of dishonesty that can only erode the level of trust that presently exists between you and Yitz. A marriage should be sacred, and respect doesn’t only apply to what is concrete and obvious. It must exist even when it is unknown.

Also, though at the moment you and Yitz can comfortably hand over money to Lisa, at some point in your lives, this may not be the case. As your family grows, you will have your own family to possibly help support, and, at that point, the luxury of carrying Lisa’s family may not even be possible. Therefore, one has to question whether this situation is sustainable and whether the sooner it is put to rest, the better.

Finally, you have helped to create a monster, and the monster is only getting bigger and bigger. Again, we can go to that logical place and say that by helping Lisa out you are not impacting your lifestyle in the least and are enabling Lisa and her family to function properly. But you are also enabling them to live a false reality. By asking for a “loan,” when everyone involved surely knows that the word is code for “gift,” Lisa is acting in a way that is disingenuous and, essentially, is telling a bald-faced lie. Since when did lying become OK? Why is there a secret pact here in which duplicity is the name of the game and everyone is on board with it?

Patterns develop when two sides behave in repeated and ultimately predictable ways. They often begin under the most innocuous circumstances and no one is able to see where it can eventually lead. Your generosity manifested itself quite innocently many years ago. But it did feed into Lisa’s narrative and perhaps hampered her from giving serious thought to being independent and self-reliant. It was probably just as easy for Lisa to justify why it made sense for you to pay for her new washing machine as it was for you to give her the money. But one has to ask—were you really doing her and her husband a favor? Maybe if they had no one to fall back on so early on, they may have been forced to reconsider their choices and come up with a better and more practical plan that allowed them to be self-sufficient.

We all make choices in life, and usually they come from sincere, wonderful places. But it is wise to routinely reassess where we’re at and, if necessary, recalculate our choices and determine whether or not they are still feasible and feed into a practical, sustainable lifestyle.

You have a tough conversation ahead of you when it comes to letting Lisa know that you will not be purchasing a new refrigerator for her. I’m sure you’re dreading that talk. However, all you really need to explain to Lisa is that Yitz has said no and that you must respect your husband’s wishes as I’m sure she respects her husband’s wishes. Leave it at that—no further explanations are necessary.

And as you’re feeling guilty, remind yourself that ultimately you may be doing Lisa a huge favor in helping to nudge her and her husband along to a more independent lifestyle.

Esther

Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295. Read more of Esther Mann’s articles here.