Dear Esther,
I am 48 years old and I was recently diagnosed with osteoporosis. My doctor told me, under no uncertain terms, that aside from some other interventions, I must start exercising immediately. He said that it is crucial that I get involved in a serious exercise routine, including walking a lot and also doing weight-lifting exercises.
My first reaction was to be totally upset and nervous. I have an aunt and cousin who are seriously compromised by this condition, and I see clearly how much they suffer because of it. I certainly wasn’t expecting such bad news for myself. My next reaction to hearing this news was to be relieved that at least there were specific things I could do to help myself. However, my thought process continued by concluding that I have no willpower or faith that I’ll follow through with anything the doctor told me to do — even though the writing is so clearly on the wall, and it’s obvious what the outcome will be if I’m remiss in properly following through.
I did arrange with my good friend to walk with her four mornings a week for 45 minutes, and I joined a gym. But after those proactive steps, I figured out how to come up with excuses each and every time my friend called me to confirm our walks. As far as the gym goes, aside from the one time that I showed up to fill out the forms and officially join, I haven’t walked through their doors! Forget about all the money I’m throwing down the drain — I feel a bit insane!
What’s wrong with me? I know that if I don’t become proactive, I’ll be in big trouble. And yet, I seem to have no willpower and no ability to get myself to do the right thing. Why is it that so many people seem to be so disciplined and able to follow the rules in order to look great and feel great, and I seem to be discipline-less?
Where does one find discipline or create it in their lives? Frankly, looking back on my life so far, it’s never been my strong suit, and I guess I just suffered the consequences. But now we’re talking about matters of health, and I can’t believe that I’m continuing to live the way that I’ve always lived and ignoring what I know I must do; I’m sabotaging myself from living my best life.
Do you have any tips or insights to help motivate me to accept the limitations of my lifestyle and embrace the necessary changes?
Undisciplined
Dear Undisciplined,
I hear your dilemma and understand how unsettling it is to you that there is so much conflict going on in your life and yet despite that, you continue living as before, without taking the necessary steps to live a healthier and probably happier life. You are not alone. Tapping into the required willpower it takes to modify behaviors is something that eludes many individuals.
When we think about words like discipline, structure, and willpower, many of us have a knee-jerk rebellious reaction. It brings up old feelings of deprivation and, in some cases, painful memories. Perhaps what you need to consider is a change in language and associations.
For instance, rather than talk about “discipline,” why not think in terms of “desire.” You desire to stay strong, healthy, and youthful. That sounds a lot more appealing than stewing in words like “forced to,” “such hard work,” “no easy options,” and, of course, “poor me.”
How we think about things is very important. We want to be realistic yet upbeat. It begins with accepting the fact that no one shows up in this world “ready-made.” If that were the case, we’d all go from our first days on earth to our very last days, putting out little or no effort. In reality, such an existence would mean no growth, no maturity, and never working towards becoming our best possible selves. For those of us who are successful at the game of life, we are constantly transforming ourselves through the choices we make.
No one is happy getting a diagnosis of osteoporosis or any other medical problem. But sometimes it can also turn into a blessing in disguise, forcing us to reexamine our lifestyles and the decisions we make. This is a good time for you to reframe your reaction to hearing good advice and try processing it as a gift rather than a “have to.”
Our minds are beautiful. Try shifting the gears of your mind, with a spin on what you truly desire for your future, focusing on how very blessed you are to have options at your fingertips to enact wonderful change. This may become part of your transformation that will free you up in other ways as well.
Esther
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.
