Dear Esther,
Joe and I have been married for over 40 years. We both grew up in European homes, and it felt natural for us to emulate the roles of our parents. What this meant was that Joe worked hard and supported the family; I took care of basically everything else and was the dutiful wife. To illustrate, if Joe was in the kitchen and I was upstairs making the beds, he would call me downstairs to make him his coffee, rather than make it himself. He expected me to serve him, pack for him, and do many jobs that I knew most women were not doing for their husbands.
I really didn’t mind. It’s the kind of respect I saw my mother show my father and, actually, I thought there was something beautiful about it. I wasn’t stupid, though. I noticed friends looking at each other when I would fill my husband’s plate for him when we had a meal with them; I realized they probably thought I was a relic from the past. But like I said, it felt right for me.
I appreciated how hard Joe worked for our family and the comfortable life he provided. I assumed he appreciated all that I did for him. Yes, he did expect it and took it for granted, and he was not effusive about my efforts, but I never felt unhappy in my role. It was an arrangement we both felt comfortable with.
When the coronavirus started, Joe started working from home. I found myself working harder than ever because we let go of our cleaning help and, also, having Joe around all day meant a lot more work for me — serving him meals, cleaning up messes he made during the day, etc. I was aware of how difficult things were becoming for me, but I felt I had no right to complain. Thank G-d, we were healthy, Joe still had a job, and so many people had it so much worse.
Three weeks ago, Joe received the shocking news that his company was closing — immediately. I’m not sure if he knew this was coming, though he didn’t seem totally surprised. For me, however, it was the shock of my life. As of last week, Joe has been home, not working, yet still expecting all the same “services” from me. He’s gets up late, watches a lot of TV, reads, occasionally takes a walk, but that’s about it. He still expects me to do all the things I’ve previously done for him and around the house. He expects two meals a day (thank G-d, he’s not a breakfast eater), and he assumes I’ll bring him a drink or a nosh when he’s in front of the TV, keep the house clean, and basically be his servant!
I know that after 40 years of this, he’s been conditioned to expect certain things. But the situation has changed; our life suddenly doesn’t resemble our old life. Not only that, but I don’t have the energy I once had, nor do I feel the same satisfaction I once did bringing him his slippers or newspaper. However, I just don’t know how I can suddenly behave like a modern wife, expecting Joe to do as much for me as I do for him. The thought of even suggesting such a thing to him seems completely insane. I think if I asked him to make the beds or bring me coffee in the morning, he would either fall on the floor laughing or get angry at me.
How does someone completely change habits that feel like they have been etched in stone?
Tired
Dear Tired,
You’re correct in your understanding that human beings do become conditioned over time to expect certain behaviors, actions, and predictability. You and Joe have forged together a lifestyle that was anything but surprising. You were both extremely clear about what your roles were and it seems you were both absolutely content in fulfilling them. Your level of “service” toward Joe may not have felt right for certain women, but for you it felt appropriate and satisfying. Therefore, there is no point going backwards and discussing whether it was helpful to both of you in the first place. Every couple tweaks their own rules of engagement, and as long as both participants are on board with the rules, it’s a success.
However, as I read your question, I do wonder about certain basic elements of your marriage that may deserve a closer look. For instance, you hint to the fact that perhaps all your extreme efforts may not have been appreciated and validated in an obvious and satisfying way. I get the impression that “thank you” was not a phrase that often left Joe’s mouth. You had to assume that he appreciated everything you did for him, but why should you have had to make that assumption?
Another fact that rubs me the wrong way relates to Joe’s work situation. How is it that you believe there is a good chance Joe knew his company was having problems, but that you were totally knocked off your feet when you suddenly heard that the company he worked for was closing its doors? Does that speak to the level of communication that exists between the two of you? Are you connected emotionally and do you share the basic and not-so-basic details of your daily lives?
I may be the one making assumptions now, but I get the feeling that aside from who makes the beds and who serves the coffee, there may be deeper issues going on here regarding the emotional intimacy that may be missing between the two of you. The focus should presently be on changing how you both relate to one another and your ability to speak freely about your needs, hopes, and dreams.
Therefore, my advice to you is to begin with the basics. Rather than hand Joe a list of chores that you would like him to begin doing now that he’s no longer working and now that you don’t have the same stamina you had at age 30, I would advise you to start talking to Joe about how you’re feeling. Tell him what it’s like for you to be doing all of the household duties while he’s watching TV or relaxing. Explain to him (rather than judge or insult) that you feel that perhaps he has been taking you for granted and that it would have been nice for him to acknowledge all that you do. Open up the door to your emotional vault that has been sealed for so long and try to get Joe to open up his as well. This is a perfect time for the two of you to stop “doing” and start “feeling” and “sharing.” You certainly have the opportunity now to reconnect in a much more meaningful way.
During these stressful COVID days, many people are finding silver linings that can ultimately alter important features of their lives. As we’ve all hit the pause button on our previous hectic, predictable routines, we can now be more mindful about our roles and consider alternative ways of living our best lives.
Esther
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.