Dear Esther,
I’m 54 years old; my husband is 57. We have five children who have growing families of their own. My husband’s mother and my parents are still alive, but they’re aging and becoming needier by the day.
I find myself in a bind almost daily, not knowing where to put myself and where my loyalties should lie. Recently, my mother-in-law moved in with us. It was not my choice, and, frankly, I didn’t go along with it easily. But she was becoming very frail and really needed family nearby to watch over her, despite the fact that she has an aide. My husband has always been a wonderful son to his parents and the most devoted of his siblings. No one else in his family was stepping up to the challenge, and he insisted that we have enough room in our home to accommodate his mother and that kibbud av v’eim was something he couldn’t ignore.
Though my husband insisted on this new arrangement, he’s at work most of the day, and so much of the burden falls on me. My mother-in-law has never been particularly sweet or easy to be around. She is a constant complainer and also very demanding. If my mother-in-law had her way, I’d be sitting in a chair next to her bed all day long, just being there. Her hearing is as sharp as can be and when she hears me coming through the front door of our house (and trust me, I try to enter as quietly as possible), she’s already calling my name!
My own parents are in better shape, but between the two of them, it seems there are constant doctor appointments. I have one brother but he lives in Baltimore, so it’s just me who is called on to make appointments, do the chauffeuring, and have the follow-up conversations with the doctors.
If that were not enough, my children usually need help with something. Everyone works, and one of our grandchildren always seems to be sick. At least once or twice a week I’m asked to babysit, to pick up a sick child from school, or to do some other emergency errand.
Forget the fact that I can’t remember the last time that I’ve done something for myself, which would be very nice and, I believe, well-deserved. But even though I’m willing to be of service, I don’t know who should come first and where to put myself. If I could clone myself into five different people, there wouldn’t be a problem. But obviously that’s not a possibility, and though I feel like I live my life for others at this stage, I’m still always disappointing someone and feeling as though I’m not doing a good-enough job.
I’m very grateful to have a big family and grateful that my parents and mother-in-law are still alive, but this is not how I saw my life looking at this stage. I worked for most of my life, and I was looking forward to the time when I could retire and start sleeping late occasionally, enjoy my friends, take art lessons, going to shiurim … my list of activities that would be so wonderful is very long. But here I am, feeling as though I’ve never worked so hard in my life—and it’s not even rewarding, because no matter how much I do, it’s never good enough! Someone is always disappointed and I feel like I’m always letting someone down.
For obvious reasons, I’m not a very happy person these days. I’m tired, often angry, resentful, snappy, and, some days, I hardly recognize myself. I look at my life and fantasize about just running away from all the responsibility and lounging on a beach somewhere with a good book! I want to be a good wife, daughter, and mother, but that doesn’t seem to leave any room for being good to myself.
How do people juggle all of these challenges? I’m sure I’m not alone in the sandwich generation, but it’s just so hard and I’m not so sure I can take much more of this. Everything feels so tenuous, as if any moment it can all come crashing down. I’m doing what I have to do, but maybe not very well.
Any suggestions for someone like me, or do I just grin and bear it and hang in there as long as I can or until everything about my life changes over time?
Stretched Too Far
Dear Stretched,
You are not alone in your predicament of being at that age when your parents and children are needy of your time and attention in a major way. The combination of people living longer, more mothers with large, young families working out of the house, and everyone’s assumption that you have no pressing needs of your own makes you the perfect candidate to be all things to all people.
Additionally, though your husband should be commended for his devotion to his mother, let’s face it—the burden falls primarily on your shoulders. And therefore, your opinion on whether or not it was a good idea for his mother to move in with you should have been taken into account as part of a joint decision, rather than just thrusting the move upon you.
So here you are, probably viewed by one and all as a superwoman, capable of every imaginable feat, while still keeping a smile on your face along with a great attitude. It sounds like no one is thinking about what it feels like to walk in your shoes at the moment. Frankly, everyone is just trying to get their piece of the pie because their own lives are overwhelming as well.
Since it appears as though no one is worried about you right now, you will have to make some adjustments without necessarily getting everyone’s approval. And since it’s impossible to please everyone all of the time anyway, why not grab a piece of the pie for yourself, despite it possibly adding to everyone’s disappointment? Not only because you deserve to enjoy some fulfillment at this stage of your life, but also because you don’t want to burn out, thereby leaving everyone hanging with absolutely no help whatsoever!
The first thing you have to do is modify your own expectations of yourself. Take some time to think about what you are willing and happy to do for everyone and what is definitely over the top. Think about what “me time” should look like. Do you feel you need at least one personal activity every day to offset the nonstop giving? Maybe it is time to sign up for that weekly art class or to schedule breakfast with a good friend that will set the stage for a happier day. Taking an hour or two each day strictly for yourself is more than OK—it’s imperative.
The next step is to come to terms with the fact that the cast of characters you’re dealing with may not always be so happy with you. Not always having you at their beck and call may displease them, but there’s nothing wrong with that. We often have to deal with the knowledge that despite doing our best, it won’t always be perceived that way. Your mother-in-law may want you sitting at her side all day long, and might complain and be grumpy that you weren’t available to her as much as she would have liked, but that’s OK. She’ll just have to adjust her expectations of you, as will everyone else. And even if she’s a little annoyed, so be it.
Sometimes people just have to hear “no.” It is incumbent upon your family to have in their lives a “Plan B,” whether it means adding the Uber app to their phones for those emergency lifts or getting comfortable calling a friend to pick up a sick child from school. Your family may still consider you to be the first source of help when needed, but you shouldn’t be the only source. And once you’ve made that clear to all, remind yourself that no guilt is required on your part. Thank you very much!
Getting back to your husband, who is so devoted to his mother, I have to wonder if his devotion carries over to you as well. Perhaps it does; I certainly don’t want to jump to any conclusions otherwise. But make sure that he is willing and able to take some of the load off your shoulders when he is around and that he participates with helping the family at large.
And there you have it. Yes, this time of your life that you may have envisioned would be simple and easy is far from that dream. However, by adding your name to the list of people who deserve kindness and attention, you will be doing everyone a favor. As the saying goes: “Happy wife, happy life.” And that goes for a happy daughter, a happy mother, and even a happy friend. Your peace of mind, contentment, joy, and, most important, lack of resentment or guilt will go a long way in smoothing the way for everyone else—even if they don’t realize it.
Esther
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295. Read more of Esther Mann’s articles here.
