Dear Esther,
I grew up feeling as though I must have been adopted. I had (and still have) very little in common with my mother, and she had absolutely no idea what was going on inside of me. I always felt very lonely and misunderstood. It was not a good or easy childhood.
At age 19, I met my husband. Not only did I luck out in finding the love of my life, but I got an extra bonus — I wound up with in-laws who should have been my real parents. My mother-in-law in particular is so sweet, insightful, gentle, and generous, and from the first moment we met, she became a mother figure to me. This was despite the fact that she has two daughters of her own. But the two of us have such a special connection. She’s the first person I call whenever anything good, bad, or important happens in my life. She’s my lifeline, and I’m enormously grateful to her every day of my life.
I know that all sounds very wonderful, and it is. The problem is that from the very start, there is a competition going on between her and my mother. Not that my mother-in-law is competing, but my mother certainly is. Though I’ve never said anything to my mother about what a lacking parent she was to me, she isn’t stupid and is able to see the special connection I have with my mother-in-law, which clearly bothers her a lot. (But not enough to perhaps learn something from my mother-in-law regarding how to treat a daughter.) Nevertheless, from the very start it’s been an issue that I have never done anything about. I’m wondering if now is the time to finally say something.
Before I get to the main story, here are some examples. If my mother was making a yom tov gathering for our family, my mother-in-law would always defer to her and make hers when it works for everyone. Sometimes it couldn’t work, and I’d wind up going to my parents, even though I would have much rather gone to my mother-in-law where I’d have a much better time. If there is a small function for one of my children, my mother-in-law always leaves a seat for me to sit next to my mother, even though I’d rather sit next to her. These are little examples, and sometimes it’s about more important things. But I’ll tell you what I’m struggling with now.
I recently had a bad fall and needed surgery on my leg. I’ve been pretty much out of commission and have had to rely on the kindness of my husband, friends, and family. My mother has offered a few times to pick up some groceries for me or run some other small errands. However, from the start, my mother-in-law assumed that my mother would move in to be full-on involved. My mother never offered to move in; it’s not her thing. However, my mother-in-law said that she would love to move in for as long as I need her to help care for our young family, but that she is afraid she’d offend my mother and wouldn’t want to do that.
This is the typical way these things are handled, but as I lie around feeling helpless and miserable, I can’t help thinking that my mother-in-law should move in and if my mother is offended, so be it.
So that is my question to you. Is it time for all of us to stop pretending and for my mother-in-law and I to have the fullest, most satisfying relationship despite how it makes my mother feel? After all, why should the good guys suffer for the not-so-good guy? Does this make sense? I just feel like we’ve all been faking it to some degree and dancing around trying to please my mother — for what? Yes, I know all about kibbud av va’eim, but when do I say “enough is enough?”
Getting Real
Dear Getting Real,
I understand why this scenario feels like such a hard call for you. And it’s obvious that you’ve been struggling for such a long time, allowing it to overshadow your relationships and comfort level. How wonderful for you that you were blessed with a mother-in-law who feels like your real mother. Often, it’s not about the DNA, but about the feelings that we give and receive from one another. Your husband is truly the man who keeps on giving!
And now for your dilemma. Your mother-in-law sounds like a remarkable woman, totally giving yet extremely humble and unassuming, putting others before herself. She reminds me of the driver I sometimes get stuck behind, the one who stops her car in order to let a stream of undeserving cars cut in front of her, keeping the many drivers behind her waiting unnecessarily for what often seems like a long time. (Especially on those days when I’m running late myself.) It’s very nice of this driver to let everyone else cut in, but does she stop and think about the drivers behind her who have the right of way and may not necessarily feel as generous?
While your mother-in-law is pandering to your mother, does she ever ask you what you would like? It sounds like the answer is no. I don’t think she means anything negative toward you, but asking you would definitely not be a bad idea, especially during extreme times like this, when you are the one in distress and by worrying about hurting your mother’s feelings, your life becomes one of hardship.
Who sits next to whom at a Siddur party isn’t the end of the world. And if it means a lot to your mother to have the coveted seat next to you, it’s not such a big deal. But I often say that people who act badly shouldn’t be rewarded for their bad behavior. That’s a concept that you may want to explore with your mother-in-law. Not in so many words, but surely it’s OK for you to say to your mother-in-law something like, “It’s so kind of you to offer to move in and I desperately could use your help. I think it would be a luxury right now for either of us to worry about my mother’s reaction.”
Let’s face it: when it comes to proper respect and sensitivity, even that can become problematic when the good guys suffer unnecessarily. And that seems to be the case. It’s very possible that once you open up this conversation with your mother-in-law — a conversation that probably should have been engaged in some time ago — you may learn that she actually felt the very same way that you did but believed she was giving you what you wanted when, in fact, nothing could be further from the truth.
So often people shy away from the truthful conversations that are so necessary, assuming they know what the other person wants. Assumptions are often incorrect and you have two overly polite individuals tiptoeing around each other for all the wrong reasons. I’m a big advocate for honesty. It’s almost always the right approach to any and every problem. But honesty must be used in a gentle, compassionate, and loving way.
You certainly didn’t need to fall and break your leg to accomplish this! But if something wonderful and exciting comes from it, it won’t be a total loss. This may be the time when you and your mother-in-law can truly connect as one, without any secrets or hidden agendas. This bonus to your wonderful relationship will expand on what you’ve already been so blessed to enjoy.
Esther
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.
