Dear Esther,
When I started dating Suri, many moons ago, I was totally taken with her ability to convey her ideas so perfectly. She was more articulate than anyone I had ever met and really had the gift of gab down to a science! Though I know I’m not a dumb person — in fact, I think I’m pretty sharp — I’ve never been a great speaker, orator, or debater. I tend to hesitate. I’ve been told I overthink everything before it comes out of my mouth, and I hesitate because I want to make sure that what I have to say is accurate.
Suri, on the other hand, is sharp as a whip and her response time is immediate when having a conversation. This was very appealing to me when we started dating and certainly something in her that I found attractive. We ultimately got married — for this and many other reasons. And I would say that our marriage is basically a good one, but there is an imbalance between the two of us getting our needs met from one another, and I think it boils down to my inability to ask for what I want.
Over the years (we’re married 12 years), I’ve noticed that I’ve taken a backseat more and more often, because I’m just too worn out trying to get my point across. Somehow, I always lose every debate with Suri. She comes back with zingers, no matter what I say, and I literally start stuttering, not knowing how to respond quickly and brilliantly, the way that she does.
Whether the discussion is over what to do on a Saturday night, or how to discipline our children, or who should make those frustrating calls to the insurance company, at this point, I don’t even try to get things to work in my favor. I’ve learned long ago to just go along, suck it up, and not even bother to win the argument with Suri.
Last week, we went out with some friends for dinner, and my old buddy Josh jokingly made a comment about how henpecked I’ve become. Hearing this comment from him really shook me up and made me realize that I was becoming (or maybe I have already become) a pretty pathetic person! This is not the person I envisioned myself to be, and since that comment, I’m becoming much more aware of how I back away from any confrontation and just let Suri have things her way.
This week I made a decision to stand up to Suri, and I’ve tried on several occasions to bite the bullet and express my feelings and needs. It was a disaster. I barely got a sentence out before I felt like she brought me to my knees (not literally). She’s just so much better at this back-and-forth than I am, and I’m no match for her. Clearly, she knows this and takes advantage of this inequality between us.
I do love Suri, and I want our marriage to be much better and to be able to feel like what I have to say is as important as what she has to say. Is it too late for me to change up the balance between the two of us so that I can feel like her equal, with equal say and power?
Henpecked
Dear Henpecked,
Every marriage develops its own cadence over the years, and each spouse tends to assume his or her own role within the marriage. Usually this happens organically, without any great announcements or explicit roles being divvied up in a logical way. It results from a combination of the unique personalities each individual brings into the marriage, in addition to specific strengths and weaknesses each one owns, plus ideas about what a marriage should look like based on what one saw growing up.
Perhaps because you had your own insecurities around your verbal skills, you may have consciously or subconsciously felt that Suri had the ability to fill a void in your life, through her own outstanding verbal skills, in a wonderful way. It’s not so unusual to look for a spouse who will compensate for one’s perceived deficit, and, like two pieces of a puzzle, fit together to comprise a perfect whole. And in a perfect world, that is exactly how it plays out.
But we all know that life is far from perfect, and, often, the traits that most pull us toward an individual are the very traits that become a hardship to live with. Those wonderful verbal skills that made Suri so admirable to you while you were dating are now jabbing you in your most vulnerable places. Together you have assumed roles to play in your marriage, but they are not working for you anymore.
It’s not easy to change well-entrenched patterns within a marriage, especially when they are based on an individual’s insecurities. You have some difficult work ahead of you if you want to correct the imbalance that now exists in your marriage. Though it won’t be easy, I encourage you to get to work, building yourself up, finding the strength to take on Suri, and, frankly, learning some practical debating techniques.
I wouldn’t say that it’s impossible for you to turn things around on your own, but it would be quite difficult and the likelihood of success somewhat slim. I think you should consider getting yourself into therapy and tackling this issue that you’ve dealt with on a different level your entire life, but ultimately applying your insights and growth to your marriage.
Suri’s reaction to the “new you” may not feel like smooth sailing. There will be resistance, as people generally fight to hang on to their “status quo.” Hopefully, as you learn how to express yourself more successfully and also how to hold your ground and feel safe standing firm to get your needs met, Suri will be forced to accept the new you. And hopefully, Suri will ultimately respect you more for it. Sometimes life surprises us in wonderful ways.
But if Suri is holding tight to her desire to wield power over you, unable to accept that you are trying to bring your marriage to its best place, couples therapy would naturally be the next step. For now, though, the real work is within you. So take control and get busy!
Esther
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.
