By R’ Chaim Bruk
Chavie and I met for the first time on January 1, 2006. On January 24 we celebrated our l’chaim, our engagement, and were married under the San Antonio sky on March 22, ten weeks later.
During my short engagement, sometime in February, I traveled to Cleveland, Ohio, with fellow yeshiva students, all of whom were engaged to be married, to learn the important laws of taharas ha’mishpachah (family purity) and married-life hashkafah (chassidic perspective) with world-renowned posek Rabbi Berel Chaikin.
On our second or third day in freezing Cleveland, this refined chassid, who looks like he is still in the shtetl of Lubavitch, took us to a massive mall and into a gift shop. He encouraged each of us to purchase a gift for our respective kallahs and have something etched onto the gift expressing our love for her, how much we adore her, and our excitement about getting married to her. It was awkward for yeshiva boys, but it showed us the importance of gifting and doing it regularly.
Rabbi Chaikin taught us that before every major Jewish holiday—Sukkos, Pesach, and Shavuos—one is obliged by Jewish law to buy his wife a yom tov gift. He explained that the gifts are a vital expression of one’s affinity for the person he is blessed to call “wife.” It wasn’t about how much we’d spend or whether we were “feeling it” in that particular moment. Marriages always have ups and downs, harder moments and easier ones, times when we can’t imagine living without our loved one, and times that we can’t imagine living with our spouse, but those volatile feelings aren’t as important to the survival of the marriage as taking time before each chag and bringing joy to the woman we married.
Consistency is the glue.
I thought about this recently, because “consistency” has been on my mind. Personally, when I’m thrown off my regular schedule, it messes with my psyche. I love the stability of doing things in a certain rhythm and sticking with that rhythm even when it becomes challenging, because it makes me tick and keeps me “alive.” That mentality carries over to our Bozeman shul where we are known for starting every service, program, class, and meal on time. I’ve been called a “Yekke” by many visitors, and I’ve been asked, “What kind of Lubavitcher are you?” intimating that Lubavitchers start things late, but that consistency doesn’t change. My community knows that we are consistent, no matter what.
In this week’s Torah portion, Pinchas, we read about the korbanos, the sacrificial offerings brought for each holiday and rosh chodesh in the Mishkan and later in the Beis HaMikdash. There is the famous Midrash in Toras Kohanim, which I’ve shared in the past, that relates a debate about Jewish life. There was a debate in the Babylonian House of Study some 2,000 years ago. Which verse best summarizes the entire Torah? What is the most important pasuk that encompasses the totality of Judaism?
Ben Zoma said, “I have found the verse that best summarizes the overall principle, the most important Torah idea, and that is ‘Shema Yisrael Hashem Elokeinu Hashem Echad—the acknowledgement that G-d is the King of the universe, the acceptance that He is our Master and everything else is secondary to this principle. Ben Nannas said, “I believe that ‘You should love your neighbor as yourself’ (ahavat Yisrael) is the most foundational verse of Judaism, expressing our devotion to justice and humanity. Ben Azzai said, “This is the book of the generations of Adam” is the greatest concept of Torah because it states clearly that all humanity is descended from Adam and emphasizes more strongly the familial beauty of all human beings. Finally, Shimon ben Pazzi said, “It is the pasuk commanding the daily sacrifices, ‘… Prepare one sheep in the morning and a second sheep in the afternoon.’”
The Midrash concludes that a Rabbi Ploni (generally understood as a unanimous decision) arose and proclaimed, “The law is according to Shimon ben Pazzi!”
If we spend a few moments pondering the commandment of two daily offerings, every day, no exceptions, and the precise offerings expected on each holiday, it has a common theme of consistency that inspires our relationship with Hashem to thrive through thick and thin. The spiritual consistency has a direct effect on every other vital aspect of our lives, including the physical, material, mental, and emotional. Ben Pazzi taught us that Judaism is about showing up day in and day out to serve our Creator.
Chavie’s 38th birthday will be celebrated this Sunday, the 25th of Tammuz. In our home, we are really good about taking note of each birthday and gifting the birthday boy/man or girl/woman with something he or she will appreciate, making a public hachlatah, resolution, to do something better in the realm of Torah and mitzvos for the upcoming year, and other birthday customs instituted by the Rebbe, of blessed memory, in 1988. While celebrating special moments is indeed special, it is important to bring the “daily offerings”—to be there to grow our relationship on a regular Tuesday in Iyar or a challenging Monday in Elul. Checking in with G-d daily, expressing adoration for one’s spouse all the time, gifting her with a piece of jewelry for yom tov even if doesn’t seem super-unique, is where it’s at.
I’d like to share something personal that expresses this idea of consistency. There is a custom dating at least as far back to the Ba’al Shem Tov that each day one should recite the chapter of Tehillim that corresponds to one’s age. For example, a 20-year-old, who is in his or her 21st year of life, would recite Psalm 21 for the duration of that year. Many also have the custom of reciting the perek of Tehillim corresponding to their children’s ages (until the first birthday, Psalm 1 is recited, and on the first birthday, one begins reciting Psalm 2, etc.). The Previous Chabad Rebbe, Reb Yosef Yitzchak, writes that reciting the children’s psalms daily is an especially potent prayer to ensure that our children remain on the right spiritual path.
I have struggled to say our family’s Tehillim as often as I would like. When I wrap up my morning studies of Rambam, Chitas, Gemara, Chassidus, and my morning prayers, including the Tehillim of the day (as divided for the days of the month), I kinda hit the road running and too often neglect to recite the seven extra kapitlach Tehillim for our family.
A few weeks ago, on a Shabbos morning, I was struggling with one of my children. I was exasperated. I felt worn out and lacked patience and the confidence that anything else could help the situation. What are we going to do? Try another therapy? Speak to another healer? Try another med? Genug shoin, enough is enough! I had nowhere to turn for new ideas. Then it dawned upon me: “Of course I have where to turn—to Hashem!” He is the only One Who can truly heal the situation, He is the One “Who heals all flesh and performs wonders,” and He’s really good at taking care of us. I walked to my library, picked up a Tehillim, and opened to my child’s Psalm. Before I started reciting it, I said, “This is for my child,” and I mentioned the Hebrew name and asked that this child have a good day physically and spiritually. I then recited the Psalm with kavanah, wholehearted intent.
A day or two later, I realized that all of our kids need this, as do Chavie and I. So for the last few weeks, every morning, before I begin my learning, I start my day by beseeching the Al-mighty G-d to care for our family. It’s the consistency of talking to Hashem about our loved ones, being preemptive, like preventive medicine, and not waiting until there is an emergency, chas v’shalom, for which we would need to reach out to our heilige Bashefer, our beloved Father in Heaven.
We can’t love our kids only when they’re cute and ignore them when they are royally annoying; we can’t be there for our spouse only when feeling fiery passion. We must be there for each other even when we are in a struggle. And we can’t only reach out to Hashem when feeling spiritually giddy—we must do so even when we aren’t feeling it. Like those holiday gifts, even if you don’t fully feel it, it’s felt by the recipient and keeps the relationship alive.
Rabbi Chaim Bruk is co-CEO of Chabad Lubavitch of Montana and spiritual leader of The Shul of Bozeman. For comments or to partner in our holy work, e-mail rabbi@jewishmontana.com or visit JewishMontana.com/Donate.