With Pesach just days away, when we are commanded to share the story of the Exodus with our children, I have a confession to make. I’m not always as patient with my children as I’d like to be. One day last week, two of the kids were fighting during breakfast right as I was trying to daven Shacharis, and in the process, they dislodged the freezer off its tracks. I was upset and they knew it. I don’t like raising my voice and when I do, I always regret it. I don’t think it does anything to impart a positive message to our children (or adults) and it make me feel “yucky” on the inside.
Chavie has trained me well during our nineteen years of marriage, so I did take the high road (the humble road, if you wish), and spoke openly with my kids about how I felt, sharing my regret and hoping for their understanding. It also reminded me of the importance of darchei noam, the path of pleasantness, which is a fundamental Jewish concept. When we lift the Torah, we quote the words of Shlomo Hamelech in Proverbs: “Its ways are ways of pleasantness, and all its paths are peace” and we need to strive to live by those words, which is inherently the message of Pesach.
Let me explain.
While celebrating the joyous bar mitzvah of Daniel Rothman, the son of my friends Ari and Yaffa, last week in New York, I listened to Rabbi Tzvi Twersky of Kollel & Bais HaMedrash Makarov of Marine Park speak beautifully about the Rasha, the wicked son at the Seder. Afterwards I shared with him a 1952 teaching from the Rebbe, zt’l, on the wicked son:
“Seemingly it makes no sense. If you are trying to inspire a rebellious child who is fleeing from Judaism, why speak negatively to them by telling him that ‘If you had been there, you would not have been redeemed.’ Is telling a kid that he would not have merited Yetzias Mitzrayim meant to bring him back into the fold? Explains the Rebbe that indeed it is: our message to the wicked child is that at Matan Torah, G-d chose every Jew to be part of a holy nation; it was a covenant for all eternity, and going forward, including our future redemption, no Jew will ever again be left behind, ‘Lo Yidach Memenu Nidach.’”
So, it is inspiring. We’re telling the struggling neshamah that, “In Egypt, you may have not been redeemed, but now, since the giving of the Torah, you are part of the Jewish family irrevocably, and you will always be one of us, no matter how much you try to run away.”
It is inspiring and reassuring.
Just last Friday, a Yid texted me about acquiring shmurah matzah for Pesach. David showed up to the shul and it turns out that he’s a relative of the famous Reb Shayele of Kerestir, and his Jewish name is Yeshaya Tuvia. I was so excited to meet him as he lives only about an hour away from us in the mountains and is clearly a beautiful neshamah. He was so soulful, so pleasant, so connected, and though living geographically distant from his community, he’s emotionally and spiritually close. He asked if he could lay tefillin and I enjoyed the moment of bonding with one of our own who grew up in Brooklyn. Yeshaya thought he had just come to get matzah, but I felt like Hashem sent him to lift me up to see the strength and perseverance of our people.
Pleasantness is a vital ingredient in all of this. It is the model for all of us. It doesn’t suffice to bring Jews back into the fold, reintegrating them with their Jewish family, the methods that we use to do the “kiruv” must be methods of pleasantness or they simply won’t create long term change. It’s like the “Sleeve” or “Band” surgeries. It can help a little at the beginning, but if we don’t change our eating habits, it won’t bring long term health. You can get someone in the door with a quick guilt trip or fire and brimstone speech, but only pleasantness will keep them inside long term.
David’s visit came off the heels of a visit by Governor Greg Gianforte, who visited our Chabad Center on Thursday to sign a proclamation in honor of the Rebbe’s 123rd birthday, declaring that April 9, 2025 (11th of Nissan, 5785) was “Education and Sharing Day in Montana.” Every year the President of the United States and dozens of governors and mayors sign proclamations on this topic, and while it may seem superficial or symbolic, I believe that every time we get to discuss the importance of incremental changes in education, discussion of morality and ethics, a recognition of G-d and the Seven laws of Noah, we make small changes that effect the macrocosm of creation. To watch Menny discuss the difference between chametz and matzah (or, haughtiness vs. humility) with the Governor as we presented him with wine from Israel and matzah from Brooklyn, was wonderful indeed, and no doubt planted seeds of pleasantness in the Montana atmosphere.
Which brings me to my Zayde, Rav Hillel Kolomayer.
You see, I have lots of super Jews in my family tree. Reb Menachem Mendel HaKohen Krasnick of Beshenkovitz, the Chiddushei HaRim of Ger, Rav Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld, and also the Lev HaIvri and Rav Hillel Kolomayer. How am I related to Rav Hillel? My paternal grandmother, Chana Brook, was the daughter of Reb Menachem Manish and Miriam Rochel Scheinberger. Reb Menachem Manish was the son of Reb Pinchas Tzvi and Malka Hinda. Malka Hinda was the daughter of the Lev HaIvri, Rav Akiva Yosef, and Liba Schlesinger. Liba was the daughter of Rav Hillel Lichtenstein of Kolomayer and his wife Raizel. So that makes my great-grandfather Reb Menachem Manish a great-grandson of Rav Hillel. Now to a powerful story about Rav Hillel:
A certain Jewish community invited Rav Tzvi Hirsh of Liska, Hungary to spend a Shabbos with them. He was hosted by a local philanthropist, prayed in the local shul, inspired the community with his sermons, and left Saturday night on a spiritual high. A while later, the same community invited Rav Hillel to spend Shabbos with them. Rav Hillel, being a passionate Jew, perhaps even a shtikel extremist, stayed at the same home as Rav Tzvi Hirsh. While at the home he felt like the philanthropist’s wife wasn’t behaving appropriately in a certain area of halacha and rebuked her and her husband on the issue. When he came to shul, he rebuked the community for how they were selling the aliyos with a “sale board,” like that of the “enlightened” Jews of the time. He spent the weekend rebuking them constantly.
Later, someone asked Rav Tzvi Hirsh how it was that he didn’t see all the negatives and rebuke them too? He responded that in the beginning of Sh’mos we read about Shifra and Puah, who were Miriam and Yocheved and served as the midwives in Egypt. He explains that the mystics connected Shifra and Puah to those who serve the Jewish people by “giving birth” to them in the realm of education. Shifra was called that name because she “coddled the babies from birth,” which educationally means someone who coddles the Jew with pleasantness and care, sensitivity and kindness, channeling G-d in pampering those who follow His ways. Puah comes from the word that means “cooing,” which is the sound made to comfort the child, which educationally means those who rebuke with loud voices about the sins and punishment that befalls sinners.
Rav Tzvi Hirsh concluded his words: I was born with the mission of being a Shifra, so the week that I was in that town Hashem ordained that the host’s wife was away and there were many Jews who had a chiyuv due to yahrzeit and simchos to get aliyos, so they didn’t use the “sale board.” But Rav Hillel was put in this world to be a Puah, so it was ordained that all the things that needed fixing should appear during the week that he was in town so he could rebuke them all weekend.
As I read this tale, I realize that our generation had many Gedolim, each one who in his own way did wondrous things for Klal Yisrael and its survival and growth. Rav Aaron built Lakewood, Rav Moshe created halachic standards, Rav Henkin revitalized Ezras Torah, Rav Yushe Ber inspired a generation of Jewish leaders, and so many others did incredible work for our people. Yet, there was only one Rebbe, one Gadol, who saw Klal Yisrael like Shifra, seeing only the good, the potential, the neshamah, and the importance of us being united and sending shluchim and shluchos, empowering anyone willing to be empowered to go out into the world with those lenses of love and see each Yid for who they are at their core. The Rebbe understood that a Jewish family that is missing one child isn’t a whole family.
Pleasantness is the only mechanism to keep the family together.
I am grateful for that set of lenses. Last Tuesday, our daughter Zeesy experienced a neurological episode that caused a severe migraine and paralysis on her left side. As Chavie was celebrating at my niece Chana Leah’s bas mitzvah in New York, I was home alone with her when it happened, and it was frightening. Lifting this beautiful growing girl, carrying her to the car, and getting her to the ER within minutes, was not easy, but we got it done. There is no medical understanding of why this happens to patients with Glut-1 deficiency; we just wait until it passes without bigger ramifications. Baruch Hashem, Zeesy is back home and back to normal, and for that we are eternally grateful to the Creator. His kindness is everlasting.
It is the Rebbe who trained me and Chavie to see the good and the miraculous, focusing on the positive outcomes and remembering that we can live like Rav Tzvi Hirsh or like Rav Hillel, and in our generation it’s Rav Tzvi Hirsch’s approach, the approach of understanding and kindness, that wins the day.
A Kosher Un Freilichen Pesach to you my dear readers!
Rabbi Chaim Bruk is co-CEO of Chabad Lubavitch of Montana and spiritual leader of The Shul of Bozeman. For comments or to partner in our holy work, e-mail rabbi@jewishmontana.com or visit JewishMontana.com/Donate.