I received an email this week from an old school acquaintance regarding loneliness. I immediately felt a connection to this person after reading the complete email. It felt like such a relief, not being alone in my feelings, having someone understand my feelings. I felt more relaxed and understood than I’ve felt in a long time.
I had the flu several weeks ago. I had no one to come visit, bring soup, comfort me, or talk to me. Understandably, people didn’t want to get the flu, so they stayed away. I was in pain, couldn’t eat, was writhing in bed, and had 102-degree fever. But I had to learn a hard lesson: loneliness might always be a significant part of my life.
I felt saddened by the people who didn’t come visit, because, to me, this was a sign of what was to come in life. I didn’t have a person to be there for me.
Couples have each other, and one spouse isn’t going to move out because the other has the flu. They would be there for each other. I am single so I’m not so lucky.
According to Psychology Today, “Though our need to connect is innate, many of us frequently feel alone. Even some people who are surrounded by others throughout the day — or are in a long-lasting marriage — still experience a deep and pervasive loneliness.
“Feelings of loneliness and isolation affect all types and ages of people, although some, like adolescents, are more likely to be impacted than others. The elderly are also at high risk. Research indicates that more than 20 percent of people over age 60 frequently feel intensely lonely.”
The Internet discusses how feeling lonely is not a direct cause of being alone. It’s possible to feel lonely in a crowd. Loneliness is more dangerous than isolation because it increases a person’s mortality rate, according to John Cacioppo, co-author of “Loneliness: Human Nature and the Needs for Social Connection.”
I am often able to conceal my loneliness. But this doesn’t help me. I need to discuss my loneliness with people of the same mind.
The man from high school who recently wrote to me offered a listening ear and told me he saw comments posted about me in the mental health groups on Facebook. He seemed to understand what I’m going through. I later got a call from a friend telling me that my comments in the mental health community on Facebook could be a stigma for me. I thought about deleting my sincere remarks and not advocating for mental health. Then I did an about-face. I decided the person I’m meant to be with would ultimately understand and accept me on all levels. If they’re turned off by a remark I posted on Facebook, then they aren’t the person I’m looking for.
If you have the intuition that someone is lonely, make a move. Try to start a conversation. If possible, share your loneliness so that this person feels less alone in talking with you.
WJC on the Internet writes, “Why are Americans so lonely? Massive study finds nearly half of U.S. feels alone, young adults most of all.”
The Health Resources and Services Administration informs us that “Loneliness and social isolation can be as damaging to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Two in five Americans report that they sometimes or always feel their social relationships are not meaningful, and one in five say they feel lonely or socially isolated. The lack of connection can have life-threatening consequences,” said Brigham Young University professor Julianne Holt-Lunstad.
Science says that “living alone, being unmarried (single, divorced, widowed), having no participation in social groups, fewer friends, and strained relationships are not only all risk factors for premature mortality but also increase risk for loneliness. Retirement and physical impairments may also increase the risk of social isolation.”
Making contact with one or many people is one solution in combating loneliness. Doing good deeds, especially for other people who are hurting, will help to lift your heart, hopefully lowering the power of loneliness.
With Purim right around the corner, singles, divorcees, widows, and widowers might feel quite alone at the Purim seudah. I will be sitting at a table full of couples. I probably will feel lonely, and the best solution is to bring a friend along. This way the sense of feeling isolated won’t be so strong.
Purim is a joyful holiday. But if you feel lonely and/or isolated, your joy is probably lessened. If you don’t have someone to talk to in life, it will feel pretty unbearable.
Getting married later in life is about more than a physical relationship; having an emotional relationship and having a life partner to talk to is crucial!
One important way to combat loneliness is to volunteer. Scientific American writes that “Participating in volunteer opportunities may help alleviate loneliness and its related health impact for several reasons. The first and most obvious is that it’s a meaningful way to connect with others and make new friends.
Second, volunteering can make up for the loss of meaning that commonly occurs with loneliness.”
“There’s only one life for everyone to live; you deserve to live it surrounded by all the people you love; don’t let loneliness win.” (Davis Macron, Quotes About Loneliness)
Fight the loneliness and isolation in your life. Try not to spend too much time in your house or apartment. Try to befriend people who feel the same way that you do. These are just a few ways to lessen your loneliness.
In combating loneliness, “Be a friend to yourself. If you have no one to come to your rescue, that’s fine … You can always help yourself. Spend a little time with yourself enjoying nature. If you want to learn how to be happy, try reconnecting with nature.” (Happy Relationships)
At the Purim table this year, try to make conversation with the people on either side of you and directly across from you. Enjoy this happy holiday. Have a frelichin Purim!
Michele Herenstein can be reached at msh61670@gmail.com