Question
I’m a bachur in my mid-20s and I’m having a bit of difficulty in getting shadchanim to work with me ever since I admitted that I’m paying my shidduch references. They claim the practice is unethical and creates a hazard for the young lady who ends up marrying me. Incidentally, one of the shadchanim who refuses to work with me is the mother of my former chavrusa, who declined to speak with the rebbeim who know me and are aware of the situation and gave me a psak with lomdishe proofs to continue with this practice.
In contrast to the former “get refuser” who pays his handlers to present the public with pre-scripted, sugar-coated justifications for having delayed his nesinas ha’get, I am a serious-minded bachur who simply compensates my references for the time they spend on phone calls if it lasts more than five minutes. I never tell my references what to say. They are free to say whatever they want, good or not so good.
In this day and age, shidduch reference checking has devolved from a few short phone calls after the third date to FBI-like interrogations even before deciding on the shaychus of a first date. Paying your references to take these time-consuming calls is no different from paying someone who spends his time on a tafkid. It seems that the mothers of the girls think they can streamline the whole shidduch process by outsourcing all the pertinent dating questions to the boy’s references, no matter how personal the information. My references are annoyed by this phenomenon, so I pay them a little compensation.
However, rather than acknowledging the consequences of having intrusive mothers making lengthy phone calls to references and trying to put a stop to it, the shadchanim instead choose to attack me for proactively solving the problem. In what way am I being unethical? If so, are my shidduch references doomed to answer every invasive, intrusive, personal question every time the phone rings?
Response
I am floored by what comes across as self-righteous indignation on your own behalf. My instinctive reaction was to not respond or even publish your letter. But I reconsidered in order to bring this matter to the attention of everyone out there who is currently going through the shidduch process about the shenanigans that can sometimes go on behind the scenes, and how information should be carefully checked before relying on the advice of any single shidduch reference. I am unfortunately aware of those who have committed harmful acts against others, yet have the best character references. I also know of good, decent people who have never harmed others, yet are the subject of gossip and slander.
Typically, it is because the people who may have harmed others have a generous checking account and use it to influence others in their favor, while the good, decent people may not have such generous resources. The old expression “money talks” is powerful for a reason. Since the beginning of time, wealth has given power and influence to those who possess it. People naturally respect those who have money. How wonderful it is for you that, for the right price, you can pay people for “their time.”
I started off my response to you in a harsh tone, and I do not apologize for doing so. I am also not accusing you of being a bad person or paying people to lie on your behalf. However, there are situations where that is very much the case, and that is why I am so outraged when someone who engages in this practice writes to me in the hope of receiving validation and advice on how to continue without any backlash.
I applaud any shadchan who refuses to deal with you after finding out that you pay your references, and quite frankly that would be my reaction too. Again, it is not because I am accusing you, or assuming you have done something bad. You might be one of the nicest, most eligible young men on the shidduch market, but to pay anyone for being a reference is in poor taste. Imagine if the shoe were to be on the other foot, and you found out that a young lady has paid her references to portray her as a shining star when the opposite might be true. You would then feel inclined to bring that issue to the forefront, and rightfully so.
What you are doing is a major turn off. Worse, anyone who finds out about it, whether a shadchanit, a young lady, or a parent, will start planting stories in their head about you. They will automatically assume you have something to hide when you might very well be a decent young man who thinks he’s doing the right thing by wanting to stand out for a prospective shidduch.
I have had a few circumstances where I was offered money to lie on someone’s behalf in order to get a shidduch off the ground, and my response has always been that my neshamah is not for sale. Not only that, but when I redt shidduchim, I always preface whatever I say with “I am redting this shidduch based on what was related to me, and please verify with a reliable source.”
The first thing you need to do is stop paying your references and stop using their names as references. Human nature is such that, if someone has become accustomed to getting paid for their time and are abruptly not paid, then they will have a conflict of interest and may not speak well on your behalf. Justifying how you were given a “psak with lomdishe proofs” by rebbeim validating your practice of paying shidduch references does not cut it. I don’t know how you presented your question or case to them that influenced their psak. Neither does rationalizing your actions with a “get refuser” who pays people to sugar-coat his excuses.
You are correct about one thing. Shidduch references are not always quick to answer their phone and get into a conversation with someone. Mostly because they are afraid that something they say could be misconstrued or deliberately twisted. There are people who, when they call to inquire about an individual who was redt to them or their loved one, will interrogate the reference in a very intrusive manner. Some of the questions I’ve been asked when my name was used as a reference boggle my mind. How anyone could think I would be privy to such personal information or that I would share it on the phone with a complete stranger is baffling. Of course, if someone is paid to speak well on another’s behalf, it’s not far-fetched to believe they are reading off a script, regardless if it’s true or not.
You are still quite young and you have the chance to start over again. As I implied before, please find new references. I would recommend that you avoid anyone overseas because you are dealing with time differences that will inconvenience all parties. Look through your list of contacts on your phone of people who you deal with on a day-to-day basis. They should be people who know you outside of your job or school. These people must be those who can give information about your middos and even offer an anecdote about something in your character to support whatever they are saying.
It is a good idea for the reference to be a friend or a good acquaintance in your age bracket. If you are concerned that one person might not be enough, add another one or two people should they not be easily reachable. Make sure they are good communicators and they think highly of you. You will also need someone who can support the way you portray yourself hashkafically, such as the rav of your shul, a rebbe you have learned with or turned to for advice, or one of your chavrusas (if you are currently learning).
Some people like to add a family friend as a reference. That could be a neighbor or someone who knows your family and can vouch for whatever way you present them to the world. It is important that before you type the names of people, you get their permission and ask them the best way for anyone to contact them. There are references that never answer their phone because it is a landline number that they rarely use, and even if it’s a cellphone number, some people never answer a call unless they know who the caller is. Stick to doing things the right way, and may you have much Siyata Dishmaya as you search for your bashert.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.