Dear Esther,
I’m a mother of one son and two daughters. My son, the oldest child, has always been a delight to raise, never giving us much stress and just easy all around. My two daughters, on the other hand, have always been challenging. They are 16 months apart in age, and from the moment they were toddlers, they were either always best friends or mortal enemies. They often shared the same friends, the same clothing, and the same hobbies and were very competitive in nature. It’s always been a love/hate relationship with those two.
Right now, all three are grown up and married. Nothing has changed with our son. He is happily married and generally does the right thing and treats us well. Our daughters, on the other hand, drive me crazy. For instance, one day I’ll hear from one (or both) of them that they are spending the day together with their families on a Sunday and have a wonderful day planned. Another day, each one will separately call me and tell me something horrible that the other one did to them and that they are never speaking to one another again. Of course, it’s always painful for me to hear.
The crazy thing is that when each one individually tells me her side of the story, it does sound as though she is the victim. And then when I hear the other side of the story, the other side sounds just as valid. So I go from supporting one of them to supporting the other. I feel like a ping-pong ball–going back and forth, not knowing who to believe and who to side with. In the moment, I side with both.
And whenever this happens, I feel just awful. It hurts me so much that they are fighting and causing each other pain. But the worst part of it all is that ultimately they make up, and each one of them is mad at me for not being more supportive of her–and I become the victim! It happens almost every time.
I just don’t know how to handle this situation so that I can make them both feel supported so that I don’t wind up being the bad guy while the two of them have patched things back up and I’m left out in the cold. I don’t seem to have the right words or the right tone or the right something that they need to hear while they are bickering. I’m tired of feeling attacked and guilty.
Can you give me some constructive advice that can help me be the right kind of mother for my girls so that when this pattern takes place, there is a more successful outcome?
Caught in the Middle
Dear Middle,
In just about all families, patterns take shape over time in the way individuals interact with one another. These then become habits and therefore constant and predictable. It sounds as though the three ladies in your family have formed a triangle of sorts, with tried and true scripts that are readily available for each to act upon. No surprises, no deviations, just a constant repeating of the same story.
I hear how disturbing this is for you, as you try your best to do the right thing and support each of your daughters and repeatedly getting smacked down despite your best efforts, but ultimately you are part of this dynamic and need to change your position if you want your daughters to change their positions toward you.
The first question you have to ask yourself is whether you actually enjoy, in some way, being a part of their up-and-down relationship and actually want to hear the gory details of every one of their squabbles. In other words, have you been encouraging them all along to come to you with the problems, disappointments, and anger with the other sister? Maybe you can’t even imagine being kept out of the loop of sharing all the latest news between them, because it satisfies you in some way. Could that be true? If so, you have only yourself to blame.
So, be honest and ask yourself if you can be OK telling each of your daughters that you no longer want to hear about their fighting and that from this moment on, you want to be left out of their interpersonal problems. How does that idea sit with you? Does it feel freeing and wonderful, or does it make you feel less relevant to their lives and not as close to them? If your answer is the former, you’re off to a good start and it will boil down to sticking with that message repeatedly, with each daughter, until there is a shift in what they feel they are able to share with you.
If you can’t imagine being left out of the drama, because in some ways it gives you something you really crave, then you need to figure out why you are so totally enmeshed in their relationship and what that says about you. But if you truly can appreciate how much easier your life would be if you left the two of them to sort out their differences without involving you–and history has shown again and again that they do eventually get sorted out–you’re on your way to a calmer life.
So first do the internal work figuring out what you need and why. Then go through the process of creating healthier boundaries with your daughters. There is a loving and respectful way to announce to them that certain changes need to be initiated, but that doesn’t mean that you care any less for either of them. Quite the opposite.
It might be nice for the three of you to go out for lunch together and have a discussion about the roles you have all fallen into years ago, as their relationship relates to you, and how you feel it’s healthier to make a few changes. Expect some kickback, resistance, and perhaps an inability for them to want to go along with this change. But stay firm.
You can also expect them to totally forget they had this conversation with you and start the reporting within a few days or weeks about how terrible their sister is. You need to stay firm and shut it down immediately. Put your curiosity to bed and remind either one that you don’t want to hear about it. And stick to your guns. It’s not easy to change patterns, but it can most certainly be done.
Again, if you truly believe that the way things now exist is unbearable for you, do the hard work and eventually you will be thrilled with the outcome.
Esther
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.