Question
I am on the verge of getting serious with a bochur, but we are having the following problem: Between our mutual friends and acquaintances, there are naysayers who don’t feel we are shayach [Ed: compatible]. Some of these people haven’t seen or spoken to us in a long time. Among those questioning our relationship is my former seminary classmate who got divorced less than a month after she was married over some nonsensical reason, as well as a mega-Shabbos host for singles who constantly tells them long shalosh seudos stories about emunah peshutah in the Yad Hashem at single-handedly helping them find their one and only bashert without any hishtadlus.
Many of these singles with blind faith range from 25 to middle aged, all are never-married, and have never been on a date out of fear of “wasting time and energy” at a coffee shop with a “pasul soulmate” (their words).
Yes, this bochur I am dating is far from everything I want in a future husband. He is slightly quirky, but he is very menschlich. Our personality differences are massive, yet we get along. In contrast with several bochurim I’ve dated who have gone to great lengths to conceal red flags, this guy is an open book with nothing to hide.
When I ask people to provide examples of how we aren’t shayach, they decline to do so. Yet they plead with me not to continue dating him.
Why can’t people be quiet? Why do they treat oddly matched yet happily dating couples with far greater discouragement than a Beis Din’s treatment of a prospective ger?
Response
Though I cannot comment on how a Beis Din treats geirus candidates, I sense your frustration, and I understand why you feel compelled to make that analogy. I agree with you that people need to remain quiet, particularly where commentaries on someone’s choice of a spouse are concerned. As a shadchan I deal with these issues not just daily, but sometimes even several times a day. I have also addressed this ongoing dilemma of negative people messing up shidduchim with nonsensical opinions with no basis in fact. In various formats within my responses of such letters published in the Dating Forum I speak out very harshly against those offenders, even if they are people of authority.
It is mind-boggling when people are called upon to be a reference and instead of answering the questions succinctly and honestly, they feel inclined to offer a psychological or personality assessment of the individual that would take a licensed clinical psychologist several hours of testing on a patient to diagnose. Yet these arrogant people hold themselves in such high esteem that they believe what they say; moreover, they feel it is their duty to represent their opinion as fact. Furthermore, their sense of ethics is so detrimental that they don’t care that they might be ruining a compatible shidduch. These people come in various forms and ages, like the ones you described.
What is interesting about your letter is that in most cases it is the injured party (the one spoken about disparagingly) who reaches out to me. Here, you are the one dating a young man whose company you evidently enjoy, yet you are surrounded by naysayers. The naysayers are not family members, such as parents or siblings, who reject a dating partner out of overzealous protectiveness. You are not citing one or two individuals with whom this bochur might have had a falling out or perhaps just don’t get his quirkiness that you find endearing. It seems that everyone that you are associated with is talking you out of this shidduch. That said, I have a problem with the dilemma you are bringing to me since it raises much concern about your ability to properly assess who this bochur might be.
It is perfectly fine that his personality is different than yours, or anyone else’s that you know. Contrary to majority opinion nowadays, I am a firm believer that opposites can have a healthy and happy relationship. For example, a person with high energy can be very compatible with a low-key individual. And a talkative person can work well with someone who prefers to listen. In fact, I’m very comfortable suggesting such types of shidduchim to single men and women, and in many cases, such matches lead to engagements and beautiful marriages. What is not always obvious is that opposite personalities actually balance each other in ways where similar types cannot. However, I believe that doesn’t appear to be the case here, and I think you get what I am trying to convey.
I’m under the impression that you wrote to me with the expectation that I would tell you to throw caution to the wind, listen to no one, because they don’t know what they’re talking about, and just go ahead with this shidduch regardless of whatever anyone thinks or says about this bochur. That could have been a possibility had you mentioned even one person who is not adversarial to your relationship. Unless all these people are deliberately trying to hurt you, it should raise the probability that their opinion or advice is not coming from a bad place.
According to what you say, you already asked people what it is that they don’t feel is shayach about this match, and you received no plausible reason. Perhaps you need to ask the right questions in a direct manner. Ask them if they are aware of something about him that is not well-known or that has not yet been disclosed to you. Do they think he’s not treating you or anyone else respectfully, and if so, how? Is he deliberately misrepresenting himself or the circumstances surrounding his life?
You need to do your own due diligence too. Does this bochur have friends and what do they say about him? That is an important factor because people that have no friends, or no one speaks well of them, oftentimes indicates a serious problem that needs to be addressed. Are there people this bochur likes and looks up to? What do they say about him? What sort of relationship does he have with the immediate members of his own family?
It could be that after all your research you still come up empty-handed in terms of discovering some secret about him as to why the world seems to think that the shidduch is not shayach. If so, then perhaps the pessimism you are encountering and their pleas to end it with him has more to do with you, your dating patterns, and their concern about recognizing negative traits in someone you fall for, or that you fall for a guy too quickly.
You stated that in the past you dated several bochurim who have gone to great lengths to conceal red flags. How far along in the relationship did you discover the truth? Do you have a history of being gullible and getting into bad relationships because you believe everything someone tells you, or that you follow your heart without being sensible? Could it be that some of these people are just trying to protect you? Or in the case of your divorced friend, could she be projecting her own experiences onto you?
Whatever answers you come up with that give no indication that there’s something wrong with this bochur, it’s still not a green light to go ahead. If it turns out that it is just one or two people who don’t think the shidduch is shayach, you can probably write them off. You don’t need everyone to approve of who you date and marry. Besides, maybe they don’t know you as well as they think they do, and unbeknownst to them, this shidduch is really perfect for you. However, if everyone else, including your friends and family and people who truly have your best interests at heart continuously tell you that he is bad news, consider the likelihood that infatuation is at play. Infatuation is an overpowering emotion whereby the person who is consumed with it cannot see the object of their infatuation objectively. As the expression goes: “Love is blind, but the neighbors aren’t.” When it comes to the life-altering matters of a shidduch, objective opinions count and an outside opinion is vital and crucial to your future happiness. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.