Random Amenities

I don’t know what goes into a hotel’s decisions about what to provide their guests. But most of them somehow arrived at basically the same decisions.

Like they all give out shampoo and conditioner, but they don’t give out toothpaste. I definitely need toothpaste more than I need their generic moisturizing lotion. No one who actually needs lotion is putting on their mystery lotion.

They definitely wouldn’t give out enough toothpaste, though. There aren’t even enough beds. The decision that every hotel in the entire world came to that 4 people need only two beds… Oh, and only one blanket per bed. Does anyone in the non-Jewish world have siblings?

Wait. Are hotel rooms meant for two people? Why did I grow up thinking they’re made for four? Do I only think this because I’m Jewish?

No, it has to be four, because when you reserve a room, they ask for the ages of your kids. Why do they need to know the ages of my kids? Hotels claim your room is for four people, but they don’t give you four of anything. They make you call the front desk if you want more than two bath towels. And then they give you a table with two chairs. Why are there two chairs? Are two people supposed to sit while the others sleep and then they all switch places?

The hotels decided, “Four people can sleep here, in this room built for two. These people probably just got off an airplane; this is more than enough space for them.”

And they give you these tiny office garbage cans.

“Yeah, but we gave you two of them! One’s in the bathroom!” Each piece of trash I’m tossing is bigger than the trash can.

Can we call the front desk for more trash cans? I’ve never tried.

“How much trash are you generating? Should we send up our dumpster?”

“I don’t know. Do you have a size in between?”

You also have to call down for pillows. They give out one pillow per person, like there’s a shortage.

“It’s tourist season; all the pillows are being used. Come back in January.”

Why are they so cheap with the pillows? Are people stealing pillows? They never give you an argument if you call down. Are they just by request only, like plastic straws at restaurants, and they actually have this big bin of pillows in the room behind the front desk, that they just jump into for fun between customers? Is that why they’re never at the desk when you get there? You tap the little bell, and meanwhile the guy is trying to climb out of the pillows like a ball pit… 

And even though they know you’re showering—they gave you shampoo—they don’t give you a single bathmat.

I don’t understand. Do non-Jews not use bathmats?

I’ve gone away for Shabbos numerous times, and at not a single one of these houses have I had to ask, “Where you keep the bathmats?”

“What’s a bathmat?”

“Oh, we don’t use bathmats here. We like cleaning up a mabbul.”

So you have to use one of your two towels as a bathmat.

It’s bad enough that everyone has to change in the bathroom one at a time with nowhere to put stuff down and a sopping wet floor with a towel that the first person put down as a bathmat that everyone now thinks is just a dirty towel and is specifically avoiding stepping on. And then maybe puts down another towel to use as a bathmat. And then dry themselves with a hand towel. Or a washcloth, if they’re the third person.

Should we just always bring a bathmat on vacation? Should we use the floor mats from our car?

It’s like they don’t really know what people want. Like there are zero overhead lights, for some reason. There are 12 lamps in the room, for the 4 people, but the only place you can actually read a Rashi in your tiny travel sefer is in the bathroom.

But they do give you an alarm clock. Thank you; I have a phone. I’m not going to spend time figuring out how to set your alarm clock so I can wake up the guest who uses this room after me.

Not that I can set my phone alarm, because for some reason, the room doesn’t have enough outlets. But that’s okay, because the hotel provides a corded telephone, right in your room, for FREE unless you use it to dial out. That phone is really only convenient for calling the front desk. And for calling the other rooms at random to try to get a minyan together.

You can also use the phone to arrange a wake-up call, in case you can’t find anywhere to plug in any of the phones you brought from home. Until you realize that every lamp has to be plugged in somewhere.

Can we call down for some surge protectors?

It’s like they’ve been working with the same list of amenities for the past 100 years and haven’t changed a thing.

“Oh, we should provide pens for the guests!”

I’m not starting a diary in New Hampshire.

Do they picture that you’ll be on the phone with the front desk, trying to get directions to CVS, and you’ll say, “Got a pen?” and they’ll say, “Check the table.”

“Oh my goodness; you’re not gonna believe this!”

They also give you a book of local attractions. Who shows up at a vacation destination and goes, “Okay, what is there to do around here? Is there anything?”

Why are you here?! Did you run out of gas?!

“Oh, and people are gonna need drawers!” they decided.

They have drawers at home.

We’re going to unpack our suitcases? Where are we putting the empty suitcases? And if I’m supposed to unpack like a mentch, so I can make a kiddush Hashem for the cleaning lady right before she has to go find our tiny garbage can from under our pile of garbage, why did you provide me with one of those suitcase rack things so we can live out of the suitcase without bending down?

I guess it’s nice to have options. Like for example, you have the option of hiding things in the drawers so the cleaning staff doesn’t steal it. They don’t think to look there. They’re like, “No one uses the drawers!”

Another weird decision they make is the ice buckets. Every hotel has this, top to bottom. You get to the hotel, and you immediately run out with your bucket in search of the ice machine so you can keep an entire fridge worth of groceries cold in the bathtub. You find a machine, and you stand there holding down the button, wondering, “Is it working? Is anything happening? Did someone unplug it to plug in their phone?” and then a metric ton of ice falls on you, way bigger than the bucket. Whoever bought the buckets for this hotel did not consult whoever bought the ice machine. You know who he did consult? Whoever bought the garbage cans. Because they’re the same size, and you’re not entirely sure they’re not the same cans. But that’s okay—both cans have little bag inserts that don’t quite fit.

Why did hotels decide you need so much ice? Do they think you’re hosting a simcha in your hotel room?

“Yeah, our daughter found someone, on vacation! L’chaim in the room!”

As long as you’re not cooking. I got in trouble for cooking in the room one year. They said, “We have a restaurant in the lobby.” So I said, “Oh,” but what I actually wanted to say was, “The only way we’re eating in your restaurant is if you let us kasher your restaurant, and I promise this is less of a fire hazard.”

Some hotels offer a continental breakfast, for all the good it does us.

“Can we see the original packaging?”

“No, we threw it out, for your convenience.”

“Oh. What if I had an allergy?”

“We could tell you where the pharmacy is.”

You go in the morning to scope out breakfast, and you come back to the room and say, “Here, the maple syrups had a hechsher.”

A Jewish kid’s vacation diet is ice cubes and maple syrup.

“Can we at least grill on hotel property?”

“Only on one of the approved grills that we have never once cleaned. We figure the people who use the grills will clean them.”

“The people who didn’t think ahead to bring a shower cap, they’re bringing a grill brush?”

Some hotels give you a little fridge, but only if you call the front desk for it, because the entire hotel only has three. And they ask you a hundred questions to see if they should give it to you over the kid down the hall who takes insulin.

Do only Yidden need refrigerators? Non-Jews don’t eat yogurt? 

You’re not allowed to cook, yet they give you an iron. What are you ironing on vacation? Polo shirts?

“Boy, did these get creased in the suitcase!”

Is it for when you’re getting ready to throw a l’chaim in your room?

“How did I get maple syrup on my gown?” n

Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia and is the author of seven books, published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send questions, comments, or ideas to [email protected]. Read more of Mordechai Schmutter’s articles at 5TJT.com.