DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
Most people would agree that individuals in their early twenties are not “fully baked.” Frankly, one may wonder when anyone is “fully baked,” as we hopefully continue to grow and evolve throughout our lives. Growth is generally desirable and applauded. However, the biggest growth spurts happen early in our lives, and as we mature more and more, we may have “aha” moments when we arrive at a sudden epiphany, some insight about life that previously evaded us. But the changes we experience tend to be more subtle in nature.
You can’t really compare a twenty-one-year-old with a thirty-one-year-old. Life comes at you fast and furious during that decade, and as we react to life’s challenges and changes, we tend to modify our behaviors and personality traits to adapt to new situations. This is called growth, and the more we are able to stretch, improve, evolve, and expand, the better we are for it.
Typically, couples get married in their early twenties. As these young adults continue to grow, we hope and pray that they will grow together, side by side, in the same direction. When this transpires, it is nothing less than magical. It strengthens their union in all sorts of ways. Unfortunately, on occasion, a husband and wife may find themselves moving in different directions, unable to find a middle road where they can both feel happy, fulfilled, and happy.
How does it work when a husband and wife start moving in different directions and ultimately find themselves on different pages? What happens when neither is willing to sign on fully with their spouse’s agenda? Clearly, it can get very messy and even somewhat hopeless. It was just such a scenario that brought Eric and Lynn into my office one fine day.
He Said
“I’m happy to take the lead here and tell you our story,” began Eric. “Lynn and I were what you’d call ‘childhood sweethearts.’ We went to the same local co-ed school, started out as friends, but by the time we were in high school, we already knew we were meant to be. We saw each other every day in school and our families overlapped a lot. So, it was easy to be together. We both grew up in similar types of homes. Our parents were similar, and we all lived very homogeneous lifestyles. There were times when we even vacationed together as families. It was great. It felt like one big happy family.
“After renting an apartment for a few years, our parents helped us buy a house in the neighborhood so we could all be close, and that was amazing. So far, so good. We were blessed and still are blessed. I’m very grateful. But here’s the situation that has arisen. Unbeknownst to either of us, we moved six years ago to a block that has a shtiebel on the corner. I’ve never davened in a shtiebel before and had no intention of davening in one at that point in my life. I’m used to davening in a large, formal synagogue. I guess you could say it’s where I’m most comfortable.
“Anyway, Lynn somehow slowly started forming a close relationship with the Rebbetzin of the shtiebel. When they started getting friendly, I found it kind of funny, maybe interesting, but definitely a bit weird. At the time, Lynn wore pants, didn’t cover her hair, and was quite modern inside and out. But I certainly didn’t get in her way and actually thought it was very open-minded of the Rebbetzin to want to connect with such a friend. Our young children and the Rebbetzin’s young children would play together. Again, I thought it was odd, but whatever made Lynn happy was fine with me.
“At some point, the two of them started learning together once a week. Lynn traded in her Mahjong evenings that she previously enjoyed with her old friends in order to learn with the Rebbetzin. I was always a bit surprised but supportive and I still am.
“As you can imagine, Lynn’s tight friendship with the Rebbetzin eventually started impacting her religious observances. One day Lynn made the announcement that she was going to get rid of all her shorts, pants, sleeveless tops, etc. I was taken by surprise, but again, I remained open-minded and supportive. She explained to me why this was important to her and necessary. It certainly wasn’t what I was looking for and it didn’t feel consistent with the way we had both lived our lives until that moment, but Lynn was and is so sincere and I wanted to respect her decision.
“But it didn’t stop there. Soon Lynn was shopping for hats and eventually sheitels. And she was changing up so much of what our life used to look like. Honestly, I wasn’t happy about all of this, but I never challenged her. I understood that she and the Rebbetzin were kindred spirits of sorts; they totally bonded, and Lynn was inspired by everything the Rebbetzin shared with her.
“In some ways, Lynn seemed like a different person, which was hard for me. But I was dealing with it. Because, at our core, Lynn and I are and always will be very connected and we love each other. But at some point, Lynn started to change on me. That’s when the problems started. Lynn started going through my closet and asking me if she could throw out some of my old clothing that she felt was a bit too modern and cool-looking. That’s when I started to fight back. It felt like she was trying to reinvent me. I haven’t changed since the time we met decades ago. I’m comfortable to remain the way I am. I applaud Lynn for taking on so much. I’m impressed with her ability to give up so much of her earlier life that I know gave her pleasure. But I miss the Lynn I married. I miss not going to the movies with her. I miss not being able to go on a vacation and sit by the pool alongside her the way we used to. I miss going dancing with her. Life is not the same anymore. And honestly, I’m feeling sorry for myself.”
She Said
Lynn began, “I think Eric makes some good points. I can’t argue with him. He married me one way and thank G-d I’m not that person anymore. When the Rebbetzin and I first met, we both felt a connection to each other immediately. Even though on the outside we couldn’t have looked more different, there was a strong connection between us. As I started getting closer and closer, the outer trappings just fell away and we felt like long-lost sisters. I happen to have only brothers, so it was understandable how our relationship filled a void. TheRebbetzin has two sisters but isn’t close to either of them for reasons I won’t go into. So, suddenly, we both felt a strong sisterhood and bonded.
“As she started sharing with me her values and middos, it felt as though there had always been a certain void in my life that she was filling. I have an amazing family, and I’ve loved Eric from the time I was a child. But I always felt some kind of spiritual void in my life. Eric’s family and mine placed a great deal of emphasis on materialistic pursuits and shallow goals. I can’t say that I’ve stopped appreciating a beautiful dress or a fancy piece of jewelry, but it never filled my soul the way that learning with my Rebbetzin has. Something inside of me just opened up and started to blossom.
“My Rebbetzin never pressured me to take on more mitzvot, but always encouraged me and was proud of me when I did. At first, I felt like I was living a double life, and I struggled to make the changes. But she was so supportive and Eric was so respectful of my changes that I was able to make some drastic transformations. But I will tell you that once you start this journey, it seems like you can’t just stop mid-stream. One goal leads to the next.
“I’m grateful to Eric for being so understanding, but to be honest, I want to start changing our family altogether. I would like Eric to dress differently and give up some of his former behaviors. I have been hinting at putting our children in different yeshivas that are more to the right. And sadly, I’m finding some of our old friends unappealing—the way they speak and behave is suddenly such a turnoff to me. I don’t want to be around them anymore. I know this is asking a lot from Eric. He has every right to feel as though someone is pulling the rug out from under him. I can’t even imagine what his experience is. I with that I could find a way to enlighten him to the choice I’ve made so he would voluntarily join me on this journey. I wish Eric could get as excited about frumkeit the way I am. But somehow, I haven’t succeeded in getting him to see the light. I’ve asked him to speak with the Rabbi, but Eric was totally not responsive to that idea. I’ve suggested that he might enjoy going to some shiurim, but again, Eric is not receptive. He’d rather play basketball on that evening with his old friends. I’m not blaming him, but it’s frustrating for me to feel incapable of influencing him.
“So, I would say that Eric and I have a big problem and neither of us knows how to resolve it. We both seem to be invested in our present lives when it comes to Yiddishkeit. We both know that as our children grow and mature, these problems will only intensify. And yet, we love each other very much and can’t imagine not being together.
“Is there any hope for us?”
My Thoughts
Some situations have no easy answers. Eric and Lynn are two lovely people who have always been best friends and are very much in love with each other. When they got married, neither of them could have predicted that Lynn would ultimately turn her life around in such a major way. Frankly, Eric remained the same Eric that she grew up knowing, loving, and ultimately marrying. But she is not the same Lynn. Eric was not responsible for the altered playing field. The fact that Eric never got in Lynn’s way when it came to the major changes she adapted in her personal life is something Eric has every right to feel proud of. And Lynn was definitely aware of how special that made him and she felt grateful to him in that regard.
Since Eric was the object of this story and not the proactive one, I asked him what he felt was essential for him to receive from Lynn so that he didn’t start to feel any resentment or anger. “For now,” he said, “I want Lynn to stop trying to change me. I can’t say who I’ll be down the road, but for now, I really want Lynn to stop telling me how to dress, who to be friends with, and what to do in my spare time. The same way that I’ve tried really hard to respect her journey, I’d like her to respect where I’m at and stop trying to make me feel guilty about it.”
That sounded like a reasonable request to me, and after some discussion, Lynn agreed that she needed to back away from trying to “save” Eric. She could model for him a certain lifestyle, but that’s as far as she should take it.
I spent some time trying to help Eric and Lynn remember what they still had in common that they could feel comfortable doing together. Lynn recalled that years back, the two of them enjoyed playing tennis together and since Lynn no longer felt comfortable joining Eric at the gym, they decided to spend one evening a week on the tennis court. They also decided to spend Sundays together with their children taking ice skating lessons, which would replace the movies that used to be their typical “go-to” activity. We talked about other areas in which they could be together as a couple and as a family, enjoying themselves, having fun, and feeling as though they were being their authentic selves.
There were harder issues that weren’t so easy to solve. For instance, what yeshivas to send their children to. There was a huge gap between Eric’s ideals and Lynn’s. Though not a perfect solution, they decided that Lynn would decide where their daughters would go to school and Eric would determine where their sons would go. No one felt totally comfortable with this solution, including myself, but for now, it was the best we could come up with.
My feelings were that if both Eric and Lynn showed each other respect and acceptance, and stayed away from trying to change each other, but rather to focus on all they had in common and their deep love for each other, with time, there was a good chance that they would find themselves closer to meeting the other’s idea. For now, they were doing the best they could.
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.
