DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
In last week’s parashah, there is a conversation about the rhythm of a Jewish life. Mind you, the concept of experiencing a time to travel and a time to stay still can apply to anyone’s life. Like the 42 stops along the way from Mitzrayim to Eretz Yisrael, our personal sojourns can be viewed as continuous opportunities to experience adventures juxtaposed with quiet, reflective moments. Each of these chapters may look different from the other, offering up distinct opportunities for growth until we reach our ultimate destiny. But the important message here is that life should be an odyssey of sorts, and if we don’t keep moving via our thoughts and actions, we are not growing…we are not evolving…we are not living our best, fullest, most impactful lives.
However, for some people, there comes a time when they feel they’ve done their work and developed into the person they were meant to be, and are not looking to challenge themselves further. They are content to rest on their laurels, which may not be a bad place to rest, and are anxious to trade in their walking shoes for a comfortable pair of slippers.
What happens, however, when two halves of a couple, who have always felt in sync with each other, start slowing down at a completely different pace? What happens when one spouse is no longer interested in pursuing challenges, while the other is just getting warmed up? Roy and Sheila were finding themselves at this crossroads in their marriage. And though they always considered themselves to have a wonderful marriage, for the first time in their lives, they struggled with a new reality that did not seem to have an easy solution.
He Said
Roy is a 70-year-old, tired-looking man. He worked most of his life at the same company, making his way up the corporate ladder and ultimately settling into a very respectful position. However, he has felt ready to retire for several years now, and had Sheila not encouraged him to keep working, he would be already retired.
Roy expresses a mixed bag of pride and disappointment in how various areas of his life have played out. But all in all, he feels he’s lived an honest, respectable life and is ready to stop worrying about the cast of characters around him, including work associates and even certain family members, He’s ready to relax…even veg out.
“Since the time I was a child, I’ve spent my life trying to do the right thing and please everyone around me. I shouldn’t really complain. I come from a warm, loving family. Sheila has been an amazing, exciting wife who has always supported me and encouraged me to do the best, and we have children and grandchildren who I believe should be on their own and making their own way in the world without our help.
“Right now, I don’t want to think so much. I don’t want to fix so much. I just want to begin a permanent vacation. I’ve worked hard, put money away for retirement, and want to enjoy the beautiful home we’ve created together without having any obligations. If not for Sheila discouraging me for the past few years, I’m sure I would be already retired.”
When I asked Roy what his vision was at the moment for a “good, satisfying life,” he responded as follows: “I know I’m not considered old by most standards, but I kind of feel old in some ways. My idea of a good life would mean not rushing in the morning. After davening, reading the newspaper with no pressure to go places and do things, I would like to spend as much time as I want reading novels or playing some golf, which is something I tried years ago but stopped. If I feel like taking a nap, that would be okay. I don’t want to feel judged and criticized that I’m being lazy and unproductive. I guess I’m sick of being productive. I want to enjoy the fruits of my labor. And if I’m being honest with myself and you, I really don’t need to be around people so much. Sheila is my main concern. I want her to be happy, and happy with me, and although I don’t need to be around her 24/7, I would like to know that she makes some time for me.
“I would never stop Sheila from working or pursuing her hobbies and friendships. I’m not needy that way. But I also don’t want to feel judged that I’m not enough and I’m an awful couch potato, which frankly, I don’t understand why being a couch potato is such an awful thing. I know I’m rambling. I guess I have a lot of pent-up frustration because I’m not living an authentic life right now for fear of being judged. I guess that’s my problem. I want to be me: a nice guy who doesn’t have to produce anymore with a wife who is content and at peace with my choices.”
She Said
Sheila is the same age as Roy but looks a good five years younger. She’s full of energy and verve as she talks about her childhood, early adult years, and present stage of life. “Thank G-d,” Sheila shares. “I come from a high energy family. I know it’s a gift and I’m very grateful that I have good stamina and also enjoy constantly learning, growing, and achieving. I’ve worked most of my adult life, and though I only work part-time at the present, I love every minute of it. I find that there is something to be learned from every person I come in contact with. I’m always coming home with new ideas to share with Roy that I pick up from people I work with or randomly meet.
“I’ve been blessed with like-minded friends who are still looking to learn and grow and live fuller lives. It’s exciting to wake up each morning and wonder: What will I experience today? I really see life as a wonderful adventure. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want you to think that I’m some sort of Pollyanna character who only views the world with rose-colored glasses. We’ve both had our share of challenges in life and still do. But separate from all this is the fact that I’m aware that both Roy and I come from families with good genes whose parents have lived long lives. So, I feel there is so much more living to do. I’m not ready to slow down and call it a day. On the contrary…
“Roy and I have a good marriage. But I would say that in the last five years, he seems to have slowed down considerably while I’m revving up. It’s true that I’ve discouraged him from retiring. I don’t think retirement is healthy for anyone. I believe in the saying, If you don’t use it, you lose it. But it’s not only retirement that we disagree on. I would love to spend Sundays doing fun things. I would love to travel. I would like to take classes together. Roy has no desire to take on any more responsibility. It feels like he was born with a certain amount of energy and he’s close to using it up.
“I’m grateful that Roy never minds me going out to dinner or a movie with friends. Last year, I took a trip with a girlfriend. We had a great time, but I felt bad that I wasn’t with Roy. I would have preferred that, but I didn’t want to twist his arm to come, so I just went with my good friend.
“I’m also very grateful that Roy is supportive of me signing up for occasional classes, which have been amazing. But I don’t want to feel as though we’re headed in opposite directions and will find ourselves disconnected at some point. This is not how I envisioned our future together.”
My Thoughts
Roy and Sheila were sensing that the trajectory they were on was not one that would bring them closer together. And they both had good reason to worry about that inevitability. Though through most of the chapters of their lives, their goals and commitments blended, their present stage presented choices that triggered different reactions from both of them.
Clearly, we all age differently; we all have different energy levels, and life has a way of knocking the wind out of some of us more than others. However, there is more to this story that needed to be explored during our subsequent sessions. As close as Roy and Sheila believed they were, Roy never really shared with Sheila his feelings about his job and what it took out of him day in, day out over the past several decades. In fact, it turns out that Roy never told Sheila that what he really wanted to do his life was to be a coach or teacher of some sort. Roy finally admitted to Sheila that he was embarrassed to share these feelings with her because he knew there was no future in a career that would not allow him to provide for his family in a manner which he believed they deserved. He therefore pursued a corporate career that never gave him much personal satisfaction, which explained his eagerness to retire.
Sheila began to understand in a sympathetic way what it must have been like for Roy to trudge to work every day with a sense of dread. What it took out of him, and how it left him feeling drained on many levels. Sheila realized she was living with a depleted man who needed some reset. Certainly, a burst of fresh energy and excitement. Though it hadn’t even occurred to Roy, we began to explore the idea of Roy retiring, but not giving up on a life that could be filled with possibilities, passion, purpose, and maybe even some coaching!
Suddenly, Roy and Sheila were able to discuss retirement from a place of opportunity rather than a place of judgment and lethargy. Maybe it was my imagination, but it seemed that Roy, before my very eyes, began to lose his downtrodden appearance, and I thought I detected a twinkle in his eye! Life wasn’t over. If anything, it was just beginning.
With his new boost of energy, Roy and Sheila began discussing areas where their interests might overlap. They decided to start a couple’s book club, leaning in to Roy’s joy of reading and Sheila’s desire to socialize. Roy got up the nerve to ask Sheila whether she would ever consider taking golf lessons with him, and to his surprise, she jumped at the idea. As they continued to be creative in their approach to their lives and their marriage, they easily moved on from their former chapter of feeling permanently stuck in a rut, to curiosity and excitement about where their next sojourn will lead! n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.
