DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
When people call to set up an appointment with me, one of the questions they ask is how long they should expect to stay in therapy. Obviously, that’s an impossible question to answer right out of the gate. There are so many factors that contribute to the length of time a person might need therapy. In some cases, they have specific goals that could be life-changing and all-consuming; in other cases, they just want to gain some insights and tools into dealing with an issue. A lot of it has to do with a person’s desire to truly engage in the therapeutic process.
Sometimes people face major resistance to change. There could be trust issues or an innate stubbornness against hearing another person’s perspective. And of course, probably the most profound reason is when a person’s behavior is so deeply ingrained due to some form of trauma early on in their life.
But once in a while I get a call from an individual or a couple who simply want to hear an unbiased, third party’s opinion on a situation. They want to hear somebody’s objective view because they’ve hit a wall and are looking for a tie-breaking opinion. To be clear, it’s not my job to tell anyone what to do. Only an individual can decide for himself what he or she needs to do. But I can certainly broaden the conversation, bring up ideas they may not have considered, and help them gain a greater perspective regarding their beliefs. Why does someone feel threatened by a possible change that is being proposed? Where is the fear coming from? Taking the conversation to a deeper level is usually helpful.
When I heard from Yitz asking if he and his wife Shira could see me because they were butting heads regarding an important decision they had to make, I figured it would be a short-term experience for all of us. And so it was, though not as short-term as they had originally thought.
He Said
Yitz is a seventy-two-year-old retired businessman. He originally presented as somewhat anxious and clearly unhappy to be sitting in a therapist’s office since he didn’t peg himself as a likely candidate. He began by saying, “Despite the fact that I reached out and called you, I feel very strange sitting here right now. I’ve always felt that Shira and I had a strong marriage and were in sync with just about every aspect. We’ve always put each other’s needs before our own, and have always acted with kindness and respect toward each other.
“Throughout our nearly fifty years of marriage, I’ve always tried hard to please Shira. Not that she’s ever been a particularly demanding wife. And I have no problem saying that she’s always treated me with the same thoughtfulness. We’ve generally been on the same page about most things. And on the rare occasion when we don’t see eye to eye, we’re both willing and ready to compromise or give in to the other in order to have a peaceful resolution. I can’t remember ever standing my ground and demanding that it’s my way or the highway. That is, until now…
“So, here’s the issue. I’ve worked very hard m whole life starting at a young age. Thankfully, Hashem has been good to me and I built up a successful business, which I sold two years ago. As much as any man can truly plan, I was looking forward to an enjoyable retirement. Shira retired about ten years ago and we often talked about the travelling we would do once I retired. We discussed maybe taking up canasta together. Pickleball, whatever whim we decided on. We had put off so much for so many years while raising our kids and building my business. For the first time in my life, I was feeling as though someone removed the chains from around me. Not that I didn’t enjoy working and creating something meaningful. But I spent most of my life working really hard, up very early each morning and returning home late at night. So, this was going to be our time. Hopefully, no restraints, no obstacles.
“I love my mother-in-law very much, though she’s not the easiest person in the world. Shira is her only daughter, and she can be quite demanding. Shira is a great daughter to her mother, and I respect her for that. She rarely says no to any demand her mother makes of her. At times, it has gotten in the way of our plans, but generally speaking, Shira is great at juggling everything and finds a balance in her life so that I don’t feel neglected as a result, especially recently, when I’m around a lot and actually can see what’s going on.
“Recently, Shira asked me how I felt about her mother moving in with us. We have a large house and plenty of room, but I have an older brother whose mother-in-law moved in with him several years ago and I would say that in a number of ways it turned into a disaster. He told me how it has changed their household dynamics and their marriage. Once she moved in, there was no getting her out. He regrets the day that he ever agreed to that arrangement and often warns me not to follow his lead. He really put the fear of G-d into me about making the mistake that he feels he made.
“So, when Shira brought up the idea of her mother moving in with us, I assumed she was just testing the waters. However, my response was totally unlike any response she’s ever heard from me all these years of marriage. I said, ‘Absolutely not.’ I think we were both shocked and startled by the strength and determination of my response. A few days later, after we both calmed down, Shira brought it up again. This time, it didn’t feel like an exploratory question. It felt like something she had given a great deal of thought to and very much wanted.
“My response this time did not sound angry. However, it did sound firm. I’m not interested! Shira and I have a beautiful marriage, a loving relationship, and finally the time and money to enjoy ourselves. I don’t want to risk losing that before it’s barely begun. I’m uncomfortable saying ‘no’ to Shira. It’s not something I normally do. And she’s just as shocked to hear me take such a solid stand in this regard. We’re out of our comfort zones. This is new territory for both of us. We’re unsure how to move forward. Shira doesn’t want to give in and agree with me that it’s a bad idea. I don’t want to give in and agree with her that we can make it work. Basically, we’re stuck.”
She Said
Shira is seventy years old and a former high school teacher. She has two older brothers, one who lives in the tri-state area and another who lives in Chicago. Shira is not close to her sister-in-law, the one who lives nearby, and describes her as distant and only interested in her birth family and is not interested at all in Shira’s family. Her brother follows his wife’s lead.
“I’ve always felt a great responsibility and frankly a burden regarding my mother,” she said. “Especially since I am the only daughter, and my brothers are not loyal to my mother in any way. They call her once a week to wish her a Good Shabbos, but other than that they do not feel particularly obligated to her. Our father passed away six years ago and since that time, my mother has naturally become needier. Despite the fact that she has just turned ninety, up until a year ago, she was in great health and able to do most things for herself. She would call me for favors, not because she needed me to do those things, but because she knew I was always available and happy to help. So, it was all good. Unfortunately, about ten months ago, she fell and broke her hip. After surgery and rehab, she finally went back home but seemed to age about ten years during that short period of time. She has an aide at home, but she doesn’t get out much anymore and seems depressed to me. My heart breaks for her. She’s lonely and, I think, frightened.
“I recently got a bug in my head that she belongs in our home. I know it would put a lot of pressure on me, but it makes no sense to me that she has to live alone while Yitz and I live in such a large house. Also, I don’t think an aide can care for her the way I could. I’m having a hard time making peace with the situation. I realize the fact that Yitz and I have all sorts of great plans for this stage of our lives, but let’s face it. How often does life work out the way we want? I hate to say this, but my mother won’t live forever. Eventually, we’ll be able to have the kind of self-indulgent life Yitz wants.”
My Thoughts
Listening to both of these good people explain their perspectives, several things jumped out at me. My first thought was why it had to be all or nothing. Whether the storyline could involve having the mother-in-law living with them, but having enough help to allow them the freedom that Yitz so dearly craves.
I also wondered whether Shira had more than her fair share of guilt toward her mother, or guilt in general that stood in the way of her enjoying this stage of her life without feeling she was being “self-indulgent.” And if so, where was all this guilt coming from?
Though their original plan was to visit me once and receive some sort of verdict regarding who was “right” and who was “wrong,” they wound up coming for several more sessions, which enabled us to peel back some layers and get to what was really standing in both of their paths toward a possible compromise.
We discovered that because Yitz’s father passed away at the age of 75, Yitz always feared that he would not live past that age. Rational or not, Yitz had a powerful and disturbing feeling that he had to make the most of the next few years. It was not a rational fear and as we got it out into the open and discussed the fact that Yitz was a healthy man for his age, he had to confront these fears and work on releasing them.
Shira came to terms with the fact that during her childhood, her mother guilted her any time she was perceived as having “too much fun,” and thus not an “adequately devoted” daughter. She realized that she never felt that she was enough no matter how much she did for her mother. This final act of generosity (having her mother move in with them) seemed like the ultimate redemption. But after much conversation, Shira realized that nothing she could ever say or do would ever be enough for her mother. That’s just the way it was.
This greater level of self-awareness within both Yitz and Shira turned down the heat on this issue and enabled them to discuss the situation in a calmer fashion. They came up with some ideas, such as turning their detached garage into a small apartment that serves as a house for her mother and her aide, or moving their mother from Queens into an apartment nearby. Though they stopped feeling the need to see me before they made the ultimate decisions regarding Shira’s mother, it was clear at that point that they were both capable of having necessary conversations with one another in their former supportive, loving way. n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W. is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.