DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
Every generation seems to have its own specific blessings and hardships. Baby Boomers have a long, complicated story to tell. For the sake of this column, I will zero in on the issues of being “the sandwich generation,” finding themselves responsible for various generations, from parents to children and often grandchildren as well.
Juggling so many individuals with varied needs can be overwhelming, and for some, impossible. Doing it all seamlessly requires an enormous amount of energy, devotion, and a certain level of selflessness. It’s work. And sometimes, something has to give. Not always showing up can be a matter of survival. But where to cut corners in one’s commitments is often a difficult decision to make. Any way you turn, guilt usually finds its way into one’s psyche. Sometimes there is no easy solution.
Mark and Evelyn find themselves struggling to determine the best solution for them. Sometimes getting an objective option is necessary.
He Said
Mark, who recently turned 61, describes himself as a family-oriented, good-natured person who always strives to do the right thing. He feels blessed to be busy with a fulfilling career, a wonderful wife, three married children, and numerous grandchildren. His own parents are no longer alive, but his mother-in-law, who recently turned 83, is alive but not so well.
Mark is the first to say that most of the burden of caring for all these family members falls on his wife’s shoulders. Aside from visiting her mother as often as possible, helping her with doctors’ appointments, shopping, and general companionship, Evelyn also babysits her grandchildren several times a week and is always somehow pinch-hitting for her children, who never seem to have enough time to manage their own lives. “Thank goodness, Evelyn seems to have the energy of a 20-year-old, but I do sometimes worry about her,” explained Mark. “It’s a lot of responsibility for anyone, and I often wonder how long she can keep up her pace.”
Mark went on to explain, “Recently, Evelyn and I have been wondering whether we should have her mother move in with us. The positives are obvious. My mother-in-law would be thrilled, as she often talks about friends of hers who have moved in with their children, with an undercurrent of longing in her voice. But in all honesty, she is alone. Her health has been declining significantly in recent years, and on some level, it would be easier for Evelyn if she didn’t have to run into Queens all the time. The downside is that we would have to literally give up an entire floor of our house, including our den, which we use a lot, as well as a spare bedroom and a bathroom. Our living space would shrink significantly. And of course, Evelyn would no longer have the same freedom to run out to help the kids because her mother has a way of holding you hostage when she starts talking. Don’t get me wrong…she’s a wonderful woman, but she seems to need a lot of attention. Regardless, I will honor whatever Evelyn decides. I know it will impact me, but nowhere near as much as it will impact Evelyn. But we are definitely at a crossroads, because we know that if we decide that she should move in, there is no going back.”
She Said
“As you can see,” Evelyn began. “Mark pretty much laid it all out there. I will add just a few things to the conundrum. My best friend had her mother move in a few years ago and keeps warning me to avoid her mistake. She regrets the day she invited her mother to move in with her. Her life has never been the same, and sadly, she finds herself arguing with her all the time, and quite angry at her as a result. Before her mother moved in, they had a much better relationship. Mind you, her mother has never been an easy woman. My mother is sweet. But also, curious and a little intrusive. That worries me. I don’t want to risk compromising our relationship.
“My second concern is that although Mark and I are relatively young, there is longevity in my family. My mother could wind up living with us for a very long time. I worry about what would happen if Mark’s or my own health or energy level began to deteriorate significantly. I also worry that once my mother starts getting used to having us around all the time, we may not feel comfortable going away on a vacation or even for a weekend at our children’s house. I don’t know what that would look like.
“Yet, getting back to the positives, I think it would be a great opportunity for our children and grandchildren to see their grandmother/great-grandmother much more often. And a great lesson in chinuch. I know Mark will back me up, whatever I decide. Though I wonder if it’s even fair to take his den away, which is where he goes to relax each evening when he gets home from work. As you can see, I’m all over the place, which is why we came to see you today. We need help in deciding what to do. Because we know that once we decide to let my mother move in with us, it will be set in stone.”
My Thoughts
Knowing the right thing to do is often a misnomer because there may not always be one single “right thing to do.” Though on the surface, kibud av v’eim seems obvious, it doesn’t take place in a vacuum, and before making such a radical change in one’s life, there are many factors to consider. Some of them were mentioned at the start by Mark and Evelyn, and others hadn’t even occurred to them before we began to dig deeper into what it meant to have Evelyn’s mother come live with them, and what it would look like.
So, we got to work, exploring why this idea suddenly came up in the first place. We also spent time exploring why they thought this was presently their only option. Had they considered encouraging Evelyn’s mother to move closer nearby, to make her feel more connected, safe, and secure, while also shaving off hours of Evelyn’s commuting time? Had they looked into getting an aide for her mother, who could help with the shopping and other critical and not-so-critical needs? And if Evelyn’s mother were to move in with them, was there a family member who could move in (happily) when Evelyn and Mark wanted to get away for short and longer periods of time?
Mark and Evelyn began to see that having her mother move in didn’t necessarily have to be their first option. There were other ideas to explore that might ultimately be better for everyone involved, including Evelyn’s mother. Life is rarely black or white. Sometimes we have to try out different ideas before we settle into the one that makes the most sense.
Through our brainstorming, Evelyn was able to tap into and work through feelings that she didn’t even know were dormant, just below the surface, about her older sister, who was completely MIA when it came to their mother. Thinking about turning her life upside down to accommodate her mother was just the trigger she needed to deal with some uncomfortable feelings. So, that was the added bonus for Evelyn, or perhaps the real reason she had constructed this scenario in the first place. Our brains are interesting and complicated that way. We often don’t know, under all the layers, what they are plotting for us!
And finally, though Evelyn always knew what a great husband she had in Mark, his complete and utter support and devotion to her racked up some major points that may come in handy some day! n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.
