Question
There’s a shadchan that’s been exceedingly chummy with a boy she likes. He told me that she let him know she has a crush on him and she told him that hugging isn’t a problem because she’s older. I didn’t think much of it until I realized recently that these two have a serious relationship going on. One time, while in public, she handed him her sweater to get “help” in dressing her, while there were plenty of women around if she was actually in need of help. (It was obvious that it was a deliberate act and just a part of her looseness because she turned around and cutely handed him her sweater to put on her, one arm at a time.) She has been after him for close to a year now. She’s about 70 and he’s 40. It was seemingly a small act, but something about a woman over 70 hitting on a boy doesn’t seem right. It’s tricky because I can’t say anything to the head of the event since the shadchanit is quite friendly with the head person and this boy helps out there as well.
It’s no secret, everyone sees what’s going on. I asked my mom what to do. Her first reaction was to tell the shadchan that if she doesn’t stop this behavior, I will tell her husband and ask him to keep her home! Then she suggested I write to you. My brother said that what she’s doing is abusive to people at the event and to be disregarded, especially because it’s officially a frum event and she’s a frum shadchan. Would you do anything or leave it alone?
Response
I needed a bit of time to wrap my head around your dilemma before responding, as you seem quite distressed about it. For context purposes, so that our readers will understand, you referred to the 40-year-old man as a “boy.” In some circles, it is common to refer to an unmarried man as a “boy,” and an unmarried woman as a “girl’ regardless of how old they might be. I’m not sure if you referenced him as a “boy” for linguistic reasons or because you view that a 30-year age gap between the shadchan and her client is similar to a grown woman-boy relationship.
There’s a lot to unpack here, but since you brought this to the forum, the cat has been let out of the bag. Let’s first define the term “frum.” Frum is a Yiddish word to describe a person who is not just religious, but is pious in observing Torah law. Being frum is not just the external manner of dress, but the way a person conducts him or herself. This goes beyond davening, beyond keeping Shabbos and kashrus. It means following halachah bein adam l’chaveiro too, including the laws of tzniyus and not causing what could be interpreted as a “mar’is ayin.” A frum person goes above and beyond doing what is right to the best of his or her ability.
What you are describing regarding this shadchan is not the conduct of a frum person. Anyone can dress like a frum person, but if their actions and middos do not truly represent Yiddishkeit, then this lady does not sound like a frum person. Therefore, if you are looking to be introduced to a shidduch with a frum man, then this shadchan is not the person who should act as your agent. A non-frum person cannot possibly have the perception of understanding of what a frum young lady needs in a prospective husband. For starters, you should not be associating with her in any way, not at an event or for a one-on-one shidduch introduction.
What is going on in the world of matchmaking today would put the holy shadchanim of yesteryear in tears if they were alive today. The problems we are seeing stem from the times we are living in. The moral compass of the secular world has unfortunately seeped into our midst. I’m sorry to have to say that in some instances, the kedushah of shadchanus has been lost and its light has been dimmed. This happened when the mitzvah of shadchanus that is supposed to be performed in partnership with Hashem became tainted with immorality.
As disturbing as your story is, look at what’s going on now in the so-called frum world of matchmaking and “influencers.” In a time not too long ago, the influencers, the people who were our role models, were the Gedolei HaDor. Nowadays, the “influencers” are people on Instagram!
There are frum people who represent themselves as influencers. They range from ordinary people who want to show the world what Orthodoxy is all about from their perspective to professionals of all kinds, such as hair and makeup stylists to personal chefs, etc. People view their videos and are impressed by their number of followers. Influencers are going to hate me for writing this, but I’m going to let my readers into a little secret (though it does not apply to everyone): Instagram, Twitter, and other social media followers are purchasable. Yes, you read that correctly. Anyone can purchase real followers from websites that sell real followers who will also sell posts to their friends, thereby increasing the popularity of the influencer. Again, I’m not saying that every social media influencer does that, but if someone who is barely known seems to quickly jump to having massive social media popularity, you can feel comfortable assuming that their thousands of followers were purchased. This is just another example of how this world is described as an Olam HaSheker, a world of distortions and lies.
It’s not just their product and brand that influencers are promoting, but as it applies to your story, there are influencers who promote a fictional view of what frum dating ought to be. When those in the frum world welcomed a matchmaking show on Netflix that is filled with problematic scenes, and when frum people who identify as influencers support a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah show, it is as if they are holding the door open to depravity. And you wonder why such a scenario as you describe is going on in full public view? People have become desensitized to indecency. I will give you the complete benefit of the doubt that these frum influencers did not watch that show in its entirety and therefore do not know what they are promoting.
Hollywood has always been filled with immorality, but Orthodox Jews who watched movies knew to distance themselves from what they saw, because they had Yiddishkeit as a framework, and understood that secular people live one way, and frum Jews live another. That was because the actors and actresses themselves did not purport to be frum or Jewish. The frum people who watched the older shows and movies understood that what they were watching is fictional, and it’s not the right way to live. Sadly, that is not the case anymore. We now have reality shows that, although they are portrayed as unscripted, are completely scripted in a non-frum way.
In the case of shadchanus, when ordinary shadchanim watch what appears to be a frum matchmaker in Hollywood promoting her role on a show that’s filled with promiscuity and blasphemy, r’l, we will see what you saw happen more and more. I want to make it clear that my response here is not based on any personal interaction I have witnessed, but I cannot remain silent when a mezuzah (the holiest scriptures and a symbol of Jewish identity that serves as a reminder that a home is a holy place) is compared to something immodest, and some people who purport to be frum have no problem with it, then we have tragically lost our youth to secular infiltration. The show has caused perplexity and misguided notions, and it is assumed by the rest of the world that the behaviors viewed on that show are the normal representation of Jewish singles, in full support of their matchmakers.
Regarding the actions of the shadchanit, it is not your place to speak to her husband, and if you do, I predict it will backfire. Whistleblowers are rarely perceived as heroes. Since you have already involved your mother and brother, all three of you should speak to your family rav for guidance. Perhaps he has a relationship with the rav of the shadchan’s family. I have a hunch that her husband might have some idea about his wife’s shenanigans, since as you claim she behaves that way in public. I hope that your experience does not cloud your vision and leave you feeling jaded. Please continue the right derech of finding your bashert in a way that will bring nachas to Hashem, and always make a kiddush Hashem wherever you go. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
