Sounds Like a Broken Record!

Do you have kids who forgot to make summer plans, despite having counted down to the summer every day since school began? But now they’re bored?

Even if you send them to camp, there’s still downtime. Camp doesn’t give homework. Unless your child is a high-ranking officer on his color-war team.

So here’s something to occupy their time: How about challenging them to break a Guinness World Record?

Sure, you might think that all the records have been broken, but that’s crazy talk. It’s all about numbers, and numbers go on forever. All you have to do is top the numbers. Like you can say, “There already was a person who held his breath the longest.” But what you’re not thinking about is that this guy has only held his breath the longest so far. You can break his record!

Not that I’m suggesting you tell your kids to hold their breath for two months straight. But there are other records to attempt, and more are being broken every day, some of which you didn’t even know was something humanity was keeping track of.

For example, just this May, a 44-year-old man in India broke a record for typing the entire alphabet in 25.66 seconds using only his nose.

I tried this right now, with zero practice, and I got 51 seconds, not including the time I spent explaining to my wife what I was doing when she walked in.

“I’m doing “hunt and peck” typing,” I said.

And you’re thinking, “I don’t have time to train myself to break records like this. Some of us have to work.” But this guy practiced while he was actually working. It’s genius! His boss comes over, and he can’t say anything. He’s speechless.

I’m 45 and I type for a living too. What have I been doing with my life?

It’s great if you want to get work done while holding a sandwich. So he doesn’t even have to stop working for lunch breaks. He only has to stop for nosebleeds.

And typos, because he can’t see the screen.

That said, I’m pretty sure this is how most of my students type their essays.

And it’s not really about whether you break a record, but in the fun you have trying. For example, take the Gathering of Kyles in Kyle, Texas. For 5 years now, they’ve been trying to break a record for the most Kyles gathered in one place.

And you might say, “Yeah, but my name isn’t Kyle.”

The official record is not specific to the name Kyle. In fact, the record they’re trying to break was set in 2017 in Eastern Europe by 2,325 people named Ivan. I personally can’t believe over 2,000 people named Ivan got together and did not attempt to take over the world.

The rules are just to get as many people of the same name in one place at a specific time, and also see if they all have a similar personality.

So what the Kyles do is they put together this whole Kyle Fair, featuring things that people named Kyle enjoy, like loud music, barbecues, Mountain Dew, having disproportionate reactions to daily inconveniences, wearing colorful wraparound sunglasses, and not quite being able to grow a beard but trying anyways.

They also give out nametags, so everyone knows each other’s names.

Anyway, last year, 1,490 Kyles showed up, so they failed to beat the Ivans. This year, the Kyles advertised harder, and only 706 Kyles showed up. The Kyles were so upset that they all went home and punched a hole in the wall.

It could be that Kyle maybe just isn’t the name of someone who likes large gatherings. I know if we did a gathering of Mordechais, we wouldn’t even get a mezuman for the barbecues. Every Mordechai I know is somewhat antisocial. You need a name of someone who enjoys large gatherings. Like Yoily. 

I say we try to break this record with people named Yoel, in Kiryas Yoel. In fact, we can see if they beat the Mendys in Crown Heights.

The problem is that both of those groups would miss the time deadline.

And speaking of fun records, a record was broken in the Philippines last year for longest chain of human mattress dominoes, at 2,355.

What is human mattress dominoes, you ask? 

It’s exactly what it sounds like—human, mattress, human, mattress, etc. The humans are each holding up a mattress so the entire chain doesn’t fall if a slight breeze catches the first mattress. But just in case, they did it indoors.

People were not schlepping their mattresses in for this thing. This was organized by mattress manufacturer Uratex to celebrate their 55th anniversary. The mattresses were their products, and the humans were their employees.

The only thing about human mattress dominoes is that you can’t really do any tricks, like loop-de-loops or firing one mattress-slash-human across the room to hit the next one.

The employees were very happy to take part in this, because if you work for a mattress company, this is normally the kind of thing that gets you fired.

It was definitely more fun than when employees tried a similar thing at the sheetrock company.

Another record we can try for took place in November at the Beard and Moustache Championships in Florida. This is an annual event held in a different location every year by an organization called Beard Team USA. I think they keep changing location so they’re not infiltrated by, say, Beard Team Russia, who would definitely take home all the medals.

For example, in 2015, they held it in Brooklyn, which was totally a missed opportunity for our community to make a kiddush Hashem in the news.

Anyway, this year, they broke a World record for “Longest Beard Chain,” which sounds like a really horrible sukkah decoration. But waterproof at least. This is a hair-raising activity in which someone clips the tips of each person’s beard to the two nearest people, and what impresses me the most is how long everyone has to hold still to get this chain together. Talk about a domino effect.

Anyway, this year, they created an 86-person chain measuring 195 feet, beating last year’s chain, which was 150 feet, and very possibly all the same people.

This is totally a record we can try to break at the next Siyum HaShas, for a nice change of pace. It would be decades until Beard Team USA breaks this record again.

And for those of you who are wondering, “If there’s a beard record, is there also a ponytail record?” There is.

In April, a horse in South Carolina broke a record for longest tail on a miniature horse.

And it wasn’t even trying. It didn’t even know there was a record.

The horse, Sweetie, is only 3 feet tall, but her tail is 5 feet 11 inches, or, if you ask any boy in shidduchim, six feet.

Also in May, a man in Australia broke a record for creating the world’s fastest Roomba vacuum cleaner, which can reach speeds of 34 mph, which is the same as a running grizzly bear. And with just as much danger of eating you.

This would be a great device to have when your in-laws call and say they’re five minutes away. Just make sure to turn it off when they get there, unless they’re very light on their feet.

And speaking of speed, another record breaker is 60-year-old Tony Edwards of England, who’s built the world’s fastest driving lawnmower. It can get up to 143 mph, leaving cut garden hoses, frisbees, and small woodland creatures in its wake. He is now the fastest 60-year-old on the grass.

“Stay off my lawn!… Okay, I’m getting the mower.”

And speaking of seniors approaching unnatural speeds, last year, 101 skydivers over the age of sixty broke two world records over California—the record for largest freefall formation and the record for most hips broken midair.

You picture skydiving as being an activity performed by young people who don’t yet have children at home, rather than by older people who no longer have children at home. But the senior skydiving community is larger than you think. When someone says their grandfather was niftar, you never ask how, but it could have been skydiving. You never ask.

Anyway, while in the air, they did something called a snowflake formation.

“What’s a snowflake formation?”

It’s hard to say. No two look alike.

Basically, it’s when you join hands and form a circle and take a picture until someone says, “I think maybe it’s time to open our parachutes.”

“What? I lost my hearing aid.”

They actually had to do the jump more than once because they used the wrong kind of parachutes.

I don’t know why I’m bringing this record up, though, because this isn’t a good one for your kid to break. But maybe if you know any adults who are off for the summer. Perhaps adults in chinuch.

Anyway, if you do break any records, let us know, and maybe we’ll talk about you in an article! 

So there’s at least one downside. n

Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia and is the author of seven books, published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send questions, comments, or ideas to [email protected]. Read more of Mordechai Schmutter’s articles at 5TJT.com.