Being a stepparent is a tremendously influential role that an individual can play in the life of a child if they seize the opportunity to rise to the challenge. There is no all-encompassing description for the role of a step-parent because each situation is different according to the circumstances and dynamics of the family unit that they marry into and of which they originally had no part.
The role of a step-parent requires a thought-out, well-developed approach which can be modified to reflect the changing needs of the blended family. Unlike biological parents, who have a clearly-defined role within a nuclear family, the role of a step-parent is often marked by a lack of clear rules, boundaries, and parental authority.
From personal and professional experience, I have found that becoming a stepmother is one of the things a woman does without an awareness or appreciation of what the commitment entails until she is already knee-deep in the process. Like the Jews at Mount Sinai, the stepmother is often of the mindset of “We will do and we will listen.” Meaning, she first marries a man who has children and then commits to playing a significant part in their life (while sometimes having children of her own), and only then begins to learn the details and responsibilities of that commitment.
If she is a mother herself, she is also opting to bring her own children together with her husband’s, and supporting them throughout the unique blending process, all the while maintaining her responsibilities to her biological children. These overlapping processes are often further complicated by different religious levels, family traditions, personalities, past experiences, and expectations.
The stepmother’s experience is comparable to having triplets during the first year of marriage. As exciting and rewarding as it may be, the transition into parenthood is a “zero to one hundred” kind of experience. Whereas up until then the stepmother was learning about her role as a wife, she almost instantly feels as if she has been thrust into the middle of the ocean where she has no choice but to figure out a way to swim as soon as possible.
As a mother, stepmother, and someone who consults regarding second marriages, parenting, and step-parenting, I am often given the opportunity to provide various perspectives and help others navigate this unchartered territory of blending families.
The following are what I like to refer to as “The 5 R’s of Successful Step-Parenting”:
Identify what is and what is not your role.
For example, the father can create rules for his child while the stepmother, who may be able to give her input behind the scenes, can only reinforce them.
Realize that the process of blending families requires time to evolve, and everyone’s timeline is different. Some say it takes at least five years for the dynamics between the members of a blended family to become regulated.
Since the child did not have a choice in the parent’s decision to get remarried, he may feel enormous pain surrounding the realities of his parent’s new marriage. By marrying the child’s father, the stepmother’s presence has further highlighted the dissolution of the child’s biological parents’ marriage. Whether the child lost his parent due to death or divorce, the stepmother is associated with that pain. Her empathy and compassion for that loss will be critical to her relationship with the child.
If there was a divorce, it is important to remember that the child has a mother and is not looking for someone to replace her. If the mother passed away, it is even more important that her memory be respected and a sacred space maintained for her throughout the child’s life.
{Relationship: Repair & Rebuild
As soon as a woman begins to step into the role of stepmother, it is important for her to realize that she may have already deducted a considerable sum from the emotional bank account of the relationship that she is trying to build with the child. She may continue to do so in quick succession as she and her husband establish the new boundaries of their blended family.
One way to understand this is when a person needs to take out $100,000 to pay for emergency surgery, but their bank account is empty. Of course they need the money, but as soon as the withdrawal is made, there is an immediate notification from the bank that the account has been overdrawn and has a negative balance. Of course, the withdrawal still must be made; however, and as soon as it is, there is an imminent need to replenish the funds to not only bring the account out of the red, but to also deposit into it so that the account will have enough for future withdrawals.
So too, a stepmother often will have to make a withdrawal from the child’s emotional bank account. However, since the stepmother has not yet nurtured her relationship with the child to the point that a significant withdrawal can be made, she would do best by finding age-appropriate ways to nurture the relationship with the child in order to reduce the overdrawn amount and even add to it.
As she and her husband establish new routines and expectations, especially where it is appropriate for her to take precedent over the child, it is imperative that she remain sensitive to what that costs her in the relationship with the child and look for ways to rebalance the positivity within that relationship.
For example, the stepmother who is now taking the front seat in the car where the adolescent child used to sit, should be sensitive to the child’s feelings of being displaced, and use other opportunities to restrengthen the relationship by allowing the child to choose which of their favorite foods the stepmother will prepare for dinner that night.
Focus should be placed on “taking the scenic route,” wherein the stepmother first looks to establish a relationship with the child through acts of giving and respect, and only then makes requests of the child, who will likely acquiesce out of respect for their relationship. Making premature demands of the child before respect is earned can often inhibit the stepmother from forming a genuine relationship with the child.
Take responsibility to enhance self-awareness and increase humility.
Shalom Bayis (maintaining a peaceful relationship & home): it has been proven that the relationship between the father and stepmother is the greatest indicator of how a child will fair in this situation, since witnessing their healthy, strong, and united front gives the child an increased sense of security.
Therapy and Life Coaching are incredible tools to enhance self-awareness especially when it comes to understanding emotional triggers and learning how to own and heal from them. As the adult in the relationship, it is the stepmother’s job to foster a welcoming, non-judgmental environment so the child will feel comfortable rather than threatened by the changes that having a stepmother (and possibly, step-siblings) can present. This is possible only by way of a better understanding what causes certain thoughts and behaviors and their impact on others. A stepmother should receive the feedback that is given to her and commit to bettering the situation by focusing on the only person she can change, herself.
When it comes to the sensitive topic of blending families, the unique configuration and challenges that arise are all designed to strengthen and further develop each person involved. Being a stepmother is not for the faint of heart; however, it is obvious that the nuances of the situation are there to bring about healing and change. Hashem chooses who He blesses with this herculean task, and He understands the challenges embedded within it. He is always listening and ready to help. Maintaining trust in Him is the greatest tool for success in the remarkable endeavor of blending a healthy family. n
Yael Stern is a mother, stepmother, and life coach specializing in various aspects of blending families, including dating, marriage, relationship building, parenting, and step-parenting. She can be reached at yaelsternblendingcoach@gmail.com.
