Deboarding a plane recently, I watched an elderly couple limp along, the wife clearly in pain from whatever injury or surgery she might have had, and the husband, bent over with age, walking slowly. Fortunately for them, there was a courtesy cart waiting where the travelers would be exiting. The driver sat patiently, waiting for his passengers. I saw the older man approach the driver who had asked him if he needed a ride to baggage claim. I overheard the gentleman affirming that they would appreciate that and he asked that the driver wait as his wife made her way towards them.
Then an energetic young family appeared: two parents and four children. They scrambled into the cart, filling every seat, boisterous and laughing at their good fortune. Meanwhile, I studied the faces of the elderly couple. The man looked pained. The woman looked like she was in pain, which most likely she was. I watched as the man approached the patriarch of the young family, explaining that he and his wife had requested assistance first. I saw an immediate look of indignation on the young couple’s faces. Rather smugly, the husband responded that he had arrived first. The older man looked into his face, looked back at his feeble wife, then walked over to the driver, and I overheard him say to the driver that his wife could hardly walk and was in need of assistance, which is the precise reason why the courtesy cart existed. The driver shrugged and said, “They got here first,” then drove off with the giggling, carefree family.
This behavior is discouraging. I can still remember a time when people would give up their seat to an older person, or a man would offer his seat to a lady. I recall an era when people held doors for others, or offered to help them carry their groceries. This was not only a matter of courtesy, but a sign of healthy boundaries and a display of the wholesome value of respect. In some places, it seems those values are no longer taught or practiced.
I have just returned from a mental health retreat where my assignment was to provide support, encouragement, and guidance to individuals involved in oppressive relationships. Over and over, I heard from people in deep pain about how an employer, a teacher, a spouse, or a parent was narcissistic, which is a term that is increasingly used to describe people who care more about themselves than others. It’s true. Narcissists do exist. It’s a personality disorder, but the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder must meet a long list of criteria in addition to simply prioritizing one’s needs over others, since anyone can be guilty of that at times. There is a clinical difference between “gain for survival” versus gain at the expense of others due to exploitation and greed.
But there is something unsettling in our contemporary society that so many people are being diagnosed with narcissism or that our society seems to be producing so many people with narcissistic traits and qualities.
This is discouraging. For a condition to be regarded as abnormal, it has to be present in only a tiny percentage of people (less than 5 percent); hence, it is not normative, which is the definition of abnormal. If a large percentage of people are displaying these qualities, then it begins to seem “normal.” When the norm is to disregard the rights and feelings of others, the danger is that narcissism will cease to be seen as abnormal by statistical definition. Being self-centered will become the norm. Think of the Mishnah in the fifth chapter of Pirkei Avos, which tells us that one who says “What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is also mine” is considered a wicked person. One who says “What’s yours is yours and what’s mine is mine” is considered normative. Yet the Mishnah adds that other Sages say this is regarded as a quality of Sodom. There seems to be a vast contrast between something being regarded as normative (the first view in that Mishnah), and being seen as a feature of a corrupt society like Sodom (the second view). Some interpret the Mishnah as meaning that on an individual basis, it’s normal to separate my things from yours, but once this becomes the set societal expectation that everybody sticks to a selfish standard and there is no sharing, no generosity, and no caring for others, this can lead to the antisocial “me-first” standard of Sodom. Sociopathy (a feature of anti-social personality disorder) is like narcissism but to an aggressive extreme. If society is now nearing a normative standard where people care little for others, disregard the needs of the aged or infirm, or object to deferring their needs for the sake of the weaker among us, then society is moving in the direction of the morally corrupt, Sodom-like society. That is really discouraging.
On the other hand, our Sages predicted that when society no longer honors its elders, and parents are expected to cater to the demands of the younger generation, that is a herald of the nearing of Moshiach. This is encouraging. But until that time, let’s look out for each other and practice caring for others. n
Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox is a forensic and clinical psychologist, and director of Chai Lifeline Crisis Services. To contact Chai Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis helpline, call 855-3-CRISIS or email crisis@chailifeline.org. Learn more at www.chailifeline.org/crisis.
