Jewish people around the world are devastated to learn of the fate of our hostages. Individuals are expressing a grief that is beyond words, a sadness that is far more profound than normal sadness. Others are expressing the pain that comes when hope gives way to a gruesome reality, the shocking, brutal murder of innocent people that is more than a national tragedy; it is a personal tragedy for each of us who hoped and prayed that all would be well. It is the pain of mourning. For others, their fear and anxiety have skyrocketed at the sight of this tragedy as we dread the still-unfolding news yet to come.
Many parents have called in to discuss the reactions of their children. Our young ones are scared, sad, and in pain. Yet, some children are vocalizing something that we adults have trouble acknowledging. Children are expressing anger at our foes. The question we should be asking ourselves is why are we not owning up to our own anger? Why are so few of us voicing our outrage at these atrocities?
I have surveyed Jewish adults and heard a number of explanations. There are those who say that being angry will not solve anything, so there is no point in being angry. Others say that of course they feel angry, but that showing anger is not the accepted Jewish response to such situations. Others contend that they don’t feel anger since they they’ve been conditioned to avoid it as it goes against our Jewish ideology, which considers anger on par with idolatry. Others meekly assert that they are angry without showing it.
We have a lot of confusion when it comes to anger. For many of us, during our childhood, we were discouraged from expressing anger and it was almost always grounds for punishment. Traditionally, Jewish people were forbidden from engaging in physical or violent displays of anger. Striking another Yid is not only regarded as wrong, but it is also regarded as an iniquity. Many of us recall the episode in Shemos (2:12) when Moshe rebuked Dasan and Aviram for fighting, saying “Wicked one, why are you hitting your fellow man?” On this, Rashi famously quotes the Talmud that even though they had not yet engaged in exchanging blows, the mere act of raising one’s hand against another makes one “wicked.” There are certainly circumstances when we are empowered to defend ourselves and when we are commanded to take steps to protect ourselves. But aggressive behavior aside, which is not the scope of this article, let’s stay focused on anger as an emotional state.
A careful look at the writings of our Sages might lead us to rethink our understanding of the role of anger. It seems more likely that our Torah outlook abjures rage, which is an uncontrolled and unmitigated form of intense anger that usually erupts into hostility and violence. According to our Sages, a person who acts with unrestrained anger is tantamount to engaging in idolatry since he submits to a vile and brutal force from within. When under the influence of rage, the mind is no longer attentive to rules, boundaries, morality, and the law. In that sense, an enraged person is compared to a pagan fanatic.
With regard to anger as an emotion, anger is not always a reckless, impulsive reaction. Anger can be the sum total of shattered expectations, unfair outcomes, horrendous offenses, and helplessness. Anger under many conditions is not a great feeling since few people enjoy being angry. It involves many physiological changes, which usually includes intense frustration. When a person is angry to the point that they are out of control and are behaving without much conscious decision or choice, that is destructive. However, when a person is self-aware of their anger and can articulate the many factors that led to their anger, it can be a very normal reaction. It should be dealt with in a responsible manner, part of which is to acknowledge it, identify its roots, and then vocalize it, discussing it with a caring, supportive confidant.
Along with the sadness, many of us are feeling pain, dread, and anger. Whether or not the anger will solve any problems affecting Klal Yisrael is not the most important issue. What is important is that hurt takes many forms, of which anger is only one, and while we are remaining faithful and trusting servants of Hashem, our oppressors have stooped to bestial levels. Our reactions are most human and although we may not like to talk about it, sometimes discussing our feelings with a caring person is the healthiest way to deal with it. n
Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox is a forensic and clinical psychologist, and director of Chai Lifeline Crisis Services. To contact Chai Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis helpline, call 855-3-CRISIS or email crisis@chailifeline.org. Learn more at www.chailifeline.org/crisis.
