The Hug

By Malkie Gordon Hirsch Magence

Jeremy’s ex-father-in-law surveyed the table, and with a combination of disbelief and amusement, he said, “This is something else, isn’t it?”

Call it today’s modern family of sorts.

At the table sat myself and Jeremy, his older children and their spouses, Jeremy’s ex-wife, Shawna,and her boyfriend.
Oh,and cousin Anna.

Many might be wondering, such as Hy Bergel, who initially commented on the people sitting there, enjoying some pizza and sushi at a hotel in New Rochelle on a Saturday night, when this happened.

How did it start, and how long did it take?

The short answer is that it initially looked nothing like that night’s scene.

But like many things in life, sometimes the most unexpectedly positive occurrences can redefine life in ways no one could imagine.

Personally, a significant turning point in my relationship with Shawna and the kids was after one of their college graduations.

To say that I was nervous about attending would be an understatement. But I also knew that no matter how uncomfortable I felt, I’d have to figure out a way to participate when the kids insisted I be there. It was important to them and me.

It isn’t easy for anyone who’s been here and has had to blend families in one of a million ways.

And if it’s easier for you, it might not be for your children, your spouse’s children, a former wife, her partner, and many other ways this never-ending mathematical equation can go.

For me, coming from the loss of my husband made a new relationship with someone else different than someone whose marriage ended in divorce, like my husband.

For my kids, they welcomed the idea of having a father figure after their loss. at different times, For Jeremy’s kids ,who, although are adults with their own spouses and families, the idea of embarking on this new relationship, this extended family of sorts, wasn’t always natural or effortless.

When I meet people who want definitive timelines for getting through grief, I use the somewhat cliched response of “It takes time.”

And I’m usually met with a sigh and an eye roll, but the truth is that that’s the most critical factor.

Time to process change. To digest.
To accept that life won’t look the way you thought it would.

Time to regain trust. Time and willingness to set aside differences, being open-minded, sharing a mutual desire for happiness, and the knowledge that the decision to let the past go and know that this will set the tone for the future that can bring a sense of harmony and happiness that most wouldn’t associate with the dissolution of a marriage, but can ultimately be the key to that sense of peace in a family.

On that graduation day in May, I noticed a definite shift as we walked into the seating area and spotted Jeremy’s family sitting together.

As we stood at the top of the stairs, unsure if we should go down or to another section, we heard his name being called. Shawna stood in front of us and directed us to sit with them.

At that moment, I don’t quite remember who stepped forward or made the first move, but suddenly, she and I were hugging, and I wished her a Mazel Tov on the happy occasion.

There was some small talk, a beautiful graduation ceremony, and many pictures; for the first time, I was asked to be in them.

It was an incredibly positive and touching experience that left me wanting more in the future.

Since then, there have been visits from kids and their families, and Shawna comes by as well. There was an invitation to the hotel I discussed above, where a famiy simcha on her side of the family, gathered the family together last week.

She invited us to hang out on Saturday night before her niece’s wedding. We brought dinner and sat around, chatting and enjoying each other’s company.

Just this morning, we were on the phone, marveling at the changes that have occurred lately and how positive they’ve all been. It’s been a snowball effect in the best way possible, and I realized that people usually get in their way when it comes to uncomfortable life circumstances. They do the math and assume that A+B=C. But the truth is that we downplay our power as humans to decide that we can redefine almost any reaction we have to even the most unlikeliest of situations.

It’s in our power as people to decide that we’ll be happy and hopeful even when others don’t get how it can possibly be done.

And it can all start with a hug.