Question
Since COVID, I have been splitting a two-bedroom apartment with another bochur. He becomes belligerent whenever I ask him to remove his personal belongings from the common areas and he gives me a hard time whenever I ask him to take out the garbage on nights when I am away. Very often, I am on the receiving end of shidduch calls since he lists me as a reference. I usually start off describing his maalos, but then I delve into his chesronos and also describe what living with him is like. In most cases, they will say no.
More recently, I have received calls from a number of parties who tell me they do not believe my negative reports about him simply because I lack the experience of being married. They also ask me to provide phone numbers of my roommate’s former roommates who are currently married, but I decline to do so.
One girl’s mother accused me of being “a jealous single” and a “hater of Hashem” who is trying to make my roommate look bad in order to make myself look like a better fit for her daughter. She later called me to ask for mechilah after her daughter went out on two dates with him and he treated her poorly.
Other than paying his share of the rent on time, this roommate is difficult to live with. While it may be convenient to kick him out or move to a better apartment for hygienic reasons, I choose to remain and renew our lease since I believe that learning how to live with him and every disappointment he causes has made me thick-skinned enough to handle the disappointments I will face after I get married, iy’H.
So why should my marital status determine the validity of my concerns regarding this roommate? If he throws tantrums whenever I ask him to clean up his mess and take out the garbage, is this how he will treat his future wife when she is in her ninth month?
Response
Forgive me for saying this, but your letter suggests self-righteous indignation, which did not sit well with me. You justify ruining his shidduchim and it appears you dislike him very much. Moreover, that you choose to live with him (as you stated you have renewed your lease), so that you can learn to deal with disappointments when you get married is beyond the pale.
The letters I typically receive regarding shidduch references are usually when someone wants to know how much he or she can disclose about a person, or when a reference has been dishonest and someone fell in badly because they were misguided. Much less common is when a reference deliberately ruins a shidduch because of vengeance or personal gain. Here you are purposely living with a roommate when it is clear that you are like the old Odd Couple TV sitcom, where the character Felix Unger splits an apartment with his friend, Oscar Madison. The characters, though fictional, portray Felix as a neat freak while Oscar lives like a slob, such as the situation between you and your roommate. The conflict generated between their divergent personalities and the one-liners they throw back and forth create the comical aspect of the show and are also what made it so wildly popular. Your circumstances would make for an interesting storyline but for the fact that although the two characters of Felix and Oscar were clearly mismatched, when it came down to it, they always had each other’s backs. You, on the other hand, are doing everything in your power to hurt your roommate. That is not okay.
Here is what you need to understand. You have no obligation to remain his roommate in order to teach yourself a lesson. It is preposterous that you feel you need to learn from living with him how to tolerate a future wife. Please, for your own mental health, find yourself a different apartment or a new roommate. No good can come from this present living arrangement.
Now, getting to the meat and potatoes of your letter, I will answer each question as fairly as I possibly can. Why are you “delving into his chesronos?” Are the people who are calling you to be a shidduch reference actually stating that they want a list of your roommate’s chesronos? I have a hunch that is not the case. As a reference, your job is to answer each question as honestly as possible without adding your own personal perushim. If you need proof that what you are doing is wrong, the fact that you have already been accused of not being truthful should be enough for you to recognize the errors of your ways. I do not agree with the woman that accused of being a “Hater of Hashem.” I am also not ready to say that in each case that you are broadcasting your roommate’s chesronos it is a result of jealousy. However, not being married may have something to do with the way you present your answers. That the woman who insulted you called to ask for mechilah because her daughter had a bad experience on her date is not enough confirmation that you are on an ordained mission to ruin your roommate’s chances of finding a shidduch.
The question as to whether your marital status should determine the validity of what you’re saying falls on the person who is calling you for a reference. It also falls on your roommate’s shoulders who, unbeknownst to him, might assume you are a good friend to him and therefore the best person to speak with regarding his shidduch potential.
I have said this before and I will say it again: Single people should avoid listing their single friends or parents of single friends on their shidduch résumé. Even if the person on the résumé is looking for a different type of shidduch, it is best to leave them out. Another tip I give people is if a single man or woman comes to realize that they are getting rejected even before going on a date, I always advise them to change their references. I have even gone so far as to recommend that somebody call their references just to get an idea about what is being said about them. Yes, it is sneaky, but it can be hard to believe that a person you trust would deliberately cause damage. There are times when drastic measures need to be taken to put a stop to negative references.
I feel badly for you that your patience has been tried so badly. No, your roommate should not be throwing tantrums or become belligerent when you ask him to clean up his mess or take out the garbage. Then again, I also don’t know how you ask him, and it’s possible that he feels you are pushing his buttons. How he ends up treating his wife when she is in her ninth month is not something anyone can predict. What is plainly obvious is that the chemistry between you and your roommate is seriously toxic.
We are living in chaotic times. Antisemitism is sharply on the rise. It should behoove every person who plays with another Jew’s life by giving out bad information about them that by hindering another person’s chances of getting married, ultimately, they are hurting every Jew. How are we supposed to multiply when there are thousands of singles desperately trying to get married? And in some cases, they are single because of the actions of another Jew? How would you feel if your roommate, chas v’shalom, never gets married or marries someone not frum, (or worse) because of your mouth? Do you realize that each person you are disparaging him to might in turn tell others, who will say they heard “such and such” about him? Do you realize the damage you could be causing? Even if everything you are saying about him is true, can you honestly say that there isn’t a single girl on earth who wouldn’t be right for him? Are you making the assumption that he will never change and become neater after he is married?
The point I am making is that I am literally begging you to stop saying bad things about your roommate. I’m not asking you to lie or withhold information, just stop disparaging him to everyone who calls. The next time somebody calls, do not allow them to pose the question: “What can you tell me about him?” Instead, request that they ask you specific questions, and answer them as truthfully as possible, leaving out all your opinions. If a specific question requires you answer negatively, then be sure that your response is l’toeles to the question, and that you have no personal motive for saying whatever it is you are saying. If you are not one hundred percent sure about the answer, say that you don’t know. You mentioned that you have been asked by people calling you to provide the phone numbers of married friends, but thus far, you have declined to do so. Please do so now. There is too much bad blood between you and your roommate, and the way it stands now, you should under no condition be a reference for him anymore. May we all be zocheh to see more couples build their bayis neeman b’Yisrael. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.