DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
Can a person truly love “too much”? And on the flip side, can a person receive “too much” love? I think most people would respond by saying, “Absolutely not!” After all, what’s more life-affirming and powerful than loving and being loved? It’s something we all crave and seek throughout our life.
But like all things in life, it can be taken to extremes and even twisted to serve some less than pure motives. In this past week’s parashah, Vayigash, we continue the storyline of Joseph finding himself Viceroy of Egypt, second only to Pharaoh. Numerous significant ups and downs can be traced back to his early years when Yaakov acted in ways that signaled his enormous love for Joseph above and beyond his brothers. It appeared to be “too much love.” Without going into the details of the past few parshiyot (you can do that on your own), Yaakov’s over-the-top love and blatant partiality ultimately had life threatening consequences.
In marriage, we want to feel an abundance of love and support from our spouses. For many, it can feel like the oxygen that fuels us, the vibes that support us, and the background music in our lives that keeps us grounded. But it is possible for one to sense that something might be starting to feel slightly warped, leaving one to question whether there is something “off” with the ways of communicating love.
When Burt and Karen walked into my office, before hearing or knowing anything about them, I was struck by how solicitous Burt was of Karen. Taking her coat from her, hanging it up, making sure she was comfortably seated, checking in with her that she felt okay, he seemed to be a character straight out of central casting, auditioning for the part of the perfect husband. And he definitely would have gotten the part. But the smile on Karen’s face seemed to be cracking a bit, and I was beginning to feel somewhat uneasy although I initially couldn’t put my finger on what the problem was.
He Said
Burt is a thirty-two-year-old young man who shares the fact that he married quite late because it took him many years to find the perfect wife, whom he ultimately found in Karen. Right off the bat, I couldn’t help noticing that Burt looked toward Karen for some kind of approval after almost every sentence he spoke. It seemed a bit odd to me, but okay…let’s see where this is going.
Burt shared that he grew up as an only child and was always extremely close to his parents, but much more to his mother, who sadly passed away two years before he met Karen. He describes a happy childhood and has great memories of summers spent traveling with his parents or just his mother, rather than going to camp. Though he had nothing negative to say about his father, Burt did say that he worked hard and wasn’t around much, which is why he spent so much alone time with his mother. Growing up, he always considered his mother his best friend.
Burt suddenly got serious and stated, “When I lost my mother, I not only lost my mom, I lost my closest friend. It was a depressing time in my life. I actually started therapy at that time, and it helped me get over the hump. But what really enabled me to move forward with my life was meeting and marrying Karen. She filled the hole that I was feeling and I couldn’t believe that I was lucky enough to not only have one incredible woman in my life—but two!”
“That is quite a blessing,” I said. “Particularly after such a devastating loss. So, what brings you to my office today?” “Honestly,” Burt responded. “I’m not 100% sure. Something doesn’t feel right between me and Karen, though I love her with my entire heart and soul. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. I tell her all the time how much I love her and need her. And though Karen is such a sweet person and says the right things back to me, I’m always left feeling like I’m doing something wrong. So, I ramp up my efforts, if that’s even possible. But that doesn’t seem to help.
“I find myself thinking about Karen all the time. ‘How can I surprise her? What little gift can I pick up for her on the way home from work? I text her often during the day, telling her how much I love her and miss her. She’ll text me back, but not that often. I’m just not getting the feeling that Karen and I are on the same page. So, I want to know what I’m missing that could fix this problem. What am I doing wrong? What can I do better? When I ask Karen these questions, she says I’m doing more than enough. Well, that certainly isn’t a helpful answer. I’m hoping that maybe in a therapist’s office, Karen might feel more comfortable telling me what the problem is. I’ve certainly tried everything.”
She Said
“I would imagine,” Karen begins. “That most people hearing Burt talk about our marriage would think I was the luckiest woman in the world and there’s something wrong with me. And maybe I am, and maybe there is something wrong with me if I can’t appreciate Burt enough. But honestly, I’m having a really hard time with all this love. Sounds crazy, I know.
“I dated a long time before meeting Burt. I guess I didn’t have great luck when being set up. I went out with a lot of guys who were unable to show any vulnerability. So many of them had the same ‘tough guy’ manner. Maybe, until meeting Burt, I was a magnet for narcissists. I certainly met my share of them. So, when I first went out with Burt, it was so refreshing to meet someone who was able to show his soft side. He was sensitive and accessible. I really appreciated those qualities and was drawn to his raw honesty. He wasn’t afraid to openly admire me. After dating so many creepy guys, I thought I hit the jackpot. And in many ways, I did. I remember my mother telling me that you can tell a lot about a guy based on his relationship with his mother. If he treated his mother with respect and love, he would likely be able to treat his wife the same way. Even though his mother was no longer alive, when he would talk about her, I was so taken with the beautiful feelings he displayed.
“So, what’s the problem, you might ask? I’ve prepared myself for this moment.” At this point, Karen turned to Burt with compassion in her eyes and continued. “Burt, this is difficult for me to say and that’s why I’ve never come right out and said any of this to you before. In fact, it kills me to have to say it, but I feel it’s either now or never. I feel like you’re smothering me. All this love is great, but it’s so over the top. It’s just too much. At first it was flattering, but now it’s uncomfortable.
“To begin with, every time I check my phone, there is a loving text from you. It’s just too much. I know this is going to sound horrible, but now that I’ve opened up a Pandora’s box, I need to say the following: ‘Get a life.’ It’s too much for me to feel like I’m your entire life. It’s too much pressure. It’s too much responsibility. I can’t be your everything. When you tell me I’m your everything, I cringe inside. I don’t want to be anyone’s ‘everything.’ And I don’t want anyone to be my everything.
“Since we’re married, I’ve noticed that I haven’t been in touch with my dear friends much because I know you’re always expecting me to spend all my free time with you. It’s great that you make plans for Sundays to do fun things. And we’ve done many wonderful things together. But did it ever occur to you that I might want to spend a Sunday with my sister or a friend or maybe even just by myself? It’s lovely that you are constantly buying me gifts, but when I get something just about every day from you, it loses its specialness, and I find myself not appreciating it. Again, I know I’m letting it rip now, but I think the only way to express my feelings is with the following analogy. Being with you feels like I’m eating an entire seven-layer cake. I love seven-layer cakes, and the first slice always tastes great. Sometimes even the second slice seems like a treat, but if I had to eat the whole cake, I’d probably throw up!”
Wow! Karen had certainly been storing up a tsunami worth of resentment toward Burt, and once released, it seemed to destroy everything in its path. I looked toward Burt and it was hard to see his crestfallen face, as tears started to roll down his cheeks. We all needed to take a breather.
My Thoughts
In answer to my original question, is it possible to love “too much”? In the case of Karen and Burt, we are finding an answer. But it’s not as simple as it might appear. Yes, Burt thought the world of Karen. According to him, she was the perfect woman who could do no wrong. That’s special! However, there is more to the story. Burt, in fact, did need to learn how to fill his own love tank on a personal level. He needed to learn how to feel complete without Karen necessarily “completing him.” Spouses can and should be significant add-ons to the joy and success of their spouse’s lives. But first we must feel whole unto ourselves. If not, there is serious work to be done.
From the get-go, Burt’s mother sold him on a narrative that implied it was normal and healthy for the two of them to be as tightly bound as they were. Why Burt’s mother behaved that way, we will never know. But clearly her agenda with her only son seemed to work for her while at the same time allowing Burt to feel flattered and special. Being the one and only apple of his mother’s eye set in motion unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should look like. Burt and I, therefore, had to work on reconstructing what a level-headed relationship should look like.
Burt was willing and happy to engage in the process that would reexamine many of his former beliefs as well as challenge him to expand his life regarding other friendships. He was a likeable enough guy that once he ventured out of his perceived comfort zone with Karen, he had an easy enough time connecting with other individuals across the board. All it took was some desire and effort on his part. He was naturally gifted with kindness.
Karen was thrilled to watch Burt emerge from his cocoon, much like a beautiful butterfly. He never gave up his adoring feelings toward Karen, but he learned how to reign them in significantly and create an independent space for both himself and Karen. n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.