DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
Therapists tend to be somewhat empathic in general and often pick up on feelings and vibes before a client utters a single word. This ability to intuit is no doubt more common in my profession than certain other professions, and within this profession I’m sure some therapists are more sensitive than others.
That is not to say that our initial feelings are always 100% correct. But more often than not, they tend to be on to something—for better or for worse. When this happens, I work very hard to put my feelings aside until I’ve at least had enough opportunity to see whether my initial encounter matches up with my feelings, before jumping to any conclusions. We need to trust our gut feelings, but, even more important, we need to trust the process.
He Said
When Irving walked into my office, chills ran up and down my spine. Tall, thin, in his late-fifties, he had a presence about him that you couldn’t ignore. I generally love meeting new clients, getting to know them, to connect with them, to enter a journey together that will hopefully lead to wonderful outcomes. But in this case, I felt extremely uncomfortable. Somehow, Irving made me feel like a little girl, out of my league, in the presence of someone who was downright scary! Nevertheless, Irving was very accommodating when it came to answering my basic questions. I learned that Irving was an only child and that he came from a very accomplished and intellectual family. He himself was an enormously successful man. It was hard to get a sense as to whether he had much to do with his family of origin. On that score, he was vague.
Irving went on to tell me what a wonderful husband he is and that he provides beautifully for his family. When I tried to get some information out of him regarding his relationship with his grown children, he was not forthcoming. By reading between the lines, I deduced that he wasn’t very involved with them.
During my questioning, I tried to retain my composure, despite the fact that several times he redirected questions back on me and tried to be the one running the show. When I asked something that clearly made him uncomfortable, his defensiveness was obvious to me, as he very cleverly wiggled out of that particular line of questioning, and, with the finesse of a skilled attorney, redirected the line of questioning to a safer area of discussion.
Finally, I asked Irving why he and his wife, Sheila, were sitting in my office that day. With a big smile on his face, he responded, “Frankly, I have no idea. I can’t imagine why Sheila felt it was important that we see you. She has a wonderful life.”
She Said
My reaction to Sheila, in stark contrast to my initial reaction to Irving, was warm and, as hard as this might be to understand, loving. About the same age as Irving, Sheila presented with elegance, gentleness, and refinement. Kindness exuded from her very essence, and the word “gracious” came to mind. However, beneath all of her composure and pleasantness was a very sad woman indeed.
It seems she came from a close-knit family whom she adored. Unfortunately, her parents and siblings lived out of town. She spoke to them often but missed being with them enormously. She adored her children, two of whom were married, and one single but not living at home, and would have loved to spend Shabbosos with them, but Irving was not all that interested in having them around. Reluctantly, Sheila shared that her children were not all that interested in coming, because they felt it wasn’t easy being around Irving. This caused Sheila tremendous anguish.
It was clear that Sheila took a risk sharing that bit of information with me and seemed ready to be assaulted by Irving for talking about something that made him look bad. And sure enough, Irving pounced. He went on to blast his children, who were selfish and dismissive of him, and then began to “explain” to me how Sheila alienated their children from him, and it was all Sheila’s fault. And now we were off to the races! The gate was open and the accusations and criticism from Irving toward Sheila began to be hurled across the room.
At times like this, I sometimes feel like a referee in a boxing match. I don’t want anyone to leave my office feeling emotionally “beaten up.” I try very hard to maintain the peace and civility. Usually, I can get things under control. With Irving I felt powerless. Irving was out of control and Sheila looked wounded, defenseless, and resigned to Irving’s anger and attacks.
This was not a good situation.
My Thoughts
The session couldn’t end soon enough. When they finally left my office—Irving with a look of defiance and Sheila with a look of defeat—I thought I would never hear from them again. Though part of me was relieved, my heart went out to Sheila and I thought about her constantly.
Surprisingly, I heard from Irving shortly thereafter, requesting another appointment, as if everything had gone remarkably well during their first session. I was stunned, and though I felt reluctant to engage again with Irving, I was anxious to show up for Sheila. And I did.
Irving and Sheila proceeded to see me for several more sessions. Though I put an enormous amount of thought and effort into finding the right approach to connect with Irving, I realized that he was truly resistant to changing. He wasn’t honest with himself or with me. I realized that the only reason he was coming in to see me was to complain about how everyone else in his orbit was defective.
It took tremendous courage for me to finally tell Irving that I felt I was not a good fit for him and that he would probably benefit from a different type of therapist who perhaps could use a different approach with him with greater success. I took total responsibility for my failure to give him what he seemed to want. Though I felt he was looking for someone to repair his wife and family, who probably didn’t need much repairing, rather than work on himself, I never did share this viewpoint with him. Honestly, like an abused wife, I felt totally frightened by him.
Sadly, there isn’t always a happy ending to therapy. But the good news was that several months later, Sheila came in on her own, without discussing it with Irving. We worked together for a while, and, as all the horror stories about her marriage emerged, I was not surprised to hear any of them. We worked on building up her confidence and strength to find the courage to walk away from her marriage. It took her time to finally call an attorney, but once she did, like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, she made her move with beauty and splendor.
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples, and families. Esther can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295. Read more of Esther Mann’s articles at 5TJT.com.
