DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
Sibling rivalry dates back to the beginning of time. We’re all familiar with the story of Cain and Abel and how pathetically tragic that story ended. What is not so well-known is that Cleopatra murdered her brother and sister, motivated by the same insidious emotions. These potentially all-consuming sentiments can seize hold of an individual and literally drive them wild with jealousy, rage, and regrettable actions.
Sibling rivalry almost always begins during childhood and grows from a feeling of jealousy towards one’s siblings due to a competing drive to garner their parents’ affection. From love to approval, to attention, and even an inheritance. Sometimes there is something substantial going on that can trigger such feelings; other times it’s based on faulty perceptions.
Several facts remain true. First, we all enter the world with a distinct make-up, which can lend itself to insecurities right out of the gate. Second, one’s birth order also contributes to how parents view and treat each child. Being the eldest child as well as being the youngest often comes with certain perks that middle children observe and may resent. It’s not a simple dynamic.
Hopefully, these petty and understandable jealousies work themselves out before the child reaches adulthood so they don’t bring their grievances into the marriage. For the sake of this column, I will focus on one couple that is struggling with old grievances that the wife still entertains daily, despite having her own family to invest her energy in.
He Said
Thirty-year-old Joe comes across as a reasonable young man. He had his share of trials and tribulations while growing up, a few rebellious years, an older sister who has cut off from the family, and a father who has been struggling with some serious health issues over the past few years. But all in all, Joe seems like the kind of guy who has made peace with his own regretful past, his family’s skeletons, and his present concerns about his father. Though he is compassionate and caring, he is well-aware of a desire to live his best life and set healthy boundaries so that his growing family has the freedom to create something wonderful together.
When I asked Joe to tell me what brought them into my office, he began to spill the beans. “My wife Rebecca is great in a lot of ways. However, she has some serious sibling rivalry issues that I feel permeate our home and are very destructive. We have been married for five years now and the situation is not a surprise. When we were dating, Rebecca would talk to me about her latest fight with someone from her family. At that point, I had pretty much worked things out with my parents and the two siblings with whom I’m close. I thought it was odd that she spent so much time and energy knocking heads with these family members. I think back and wonder why this didn’t seem like a total red flag. Not to say that I’m sorry I married Rebecca. She’s definitely the love of my life, and we do have a great marriage. It’s just that it often feels as though aside from Rebecca and our two young children, there is usually another character sitting in our home with us. Not literally, but figuratively, because Rebecca spends so much time talking about her latest altercation and spends hours discussing why she feels she’s the victim.
“At the beginning, I used to try and listen intensely to figure out who’s to blame and to support Rebecca when I thought she was being victimized. I would try and help her resolve her differences with them. At this point, to be honest, I barely listen to her stories, which drives her crazy. But I can’t listen anymore. I think they are all responsible for their inability to get along. There is a tremendous amount of sibling rivalry going on, competition, judgment, and stubborn behavior. I’ve learned long ago that their issues are so deep and dysfunctional that there is nothing I can possibly say or do that will change anything. It’s out of my hands.
“One other thing, before Rebecca takes the floor. At some point I noticed that my in-laws add to the problem. They seem to do and say anything that pits one child against the other. My parents aren’t perfect, but I know the most important thing in the world to them is for their children to be close. They do everything in their power to bring us together physically and emotionally. It’s so shocking that any parent would do the opposite and drive a wedge between their children. I can’t fathom such behavior. Again, I know that I have no power over them or their children for that matter.
“At this point, I just want to protect my immediate family. I don’t want their fighting to be absorbed into my home and I’m seeing that this is exactly what’s happening. Our four-year-old daughter has started asking questions about why she doesn’t see her cousins from her mother’s side. Or why Mommy seems so angry at times. I don’t want our children to have to deal with this and I also don’t want them to learn from their mother that fighting with one’s siblings and parents is a normal thing.”
She Said
Rebecca is an accomplished, attractive thirty-one-year-old woman who appears ready for a fight. I’m sure it took every bit of restraint for her to wait until Joe finished telling his side of the story. But once we turned our attention to her, she was ready to go.
“As you can see, Joe is a great guy—no doubt about it. But the one thing he lacks is empathy. He does not know what it feels like to be stuck in a family like mine, where there is so much mean behavior coming from every direction. Joe comes from a nice family. True, his sister took off years ago to do her own thing, which I think is easier to handle than when difficult family members live nearby, call often, and torture you. The rest of his family is certainly not perfect, but they aren’t out to cause anyone pain. They don’t have mean streaks in them.
“Joe just can’t seem to understand what I’m dealing with. And honestly, I kind of resent him for that. And he actually just admitted to you that he doesn’t even listen to me anymore when I tell him about something painful that someone in my family dumped on me. He just tunes it out. How’s that supposed to make me feel? Am I wrong to believe that a husband is supposed to support his wife in all things?”
“I hear your frustration and pain,” I said. “But is it possible that Joe feels that nothing he says or does can actually make a difference in the relationships you have with your family members and perhaps he feels that by engaging, he might actually be helping to perpetuate the dysfunction?”
“Who knows?” said Rebecca. “What I do know is that I need my husband to be there for me and I need to believe he has my back.” “Well,” I responded. “That is a reasonable desire on your part, but maybe this story is not as simple as it may seem.”
From the expression on Rebecca’s face, I didn’t feel as though she liked my answer.
My Thoughts
After several sessions, it became clear that Rebecca was hyper-focused on the idea that Joe did not have her back, and Rebecca’s tumultuous relationships with her parents and siblings were not taking center stage. Perhaps because she was so used to these adversarial relationships, Rebecca couldn’t appreciate how toxic they truly were and how they were beginning to infiltrate her own family. All she seemed to be able to focus on was the fact that Joe was not joining in her battles and cheering her on.
Rebecca needed a redirect in several areas. First and foremost, the three of us began to talk through what exactly “support” from Joe should look like and in what ways she believes it might be helpful, other than enabling her the opportunity to vent…and vent. Not to minimize the importance of venting. We all need to vent here and there, but there has to be limits on quantity and quality of venting and also what her expectations were as a result of our venting. These conversations required some serious self-awareness that heretofore, Rebecca seemed to lack. Often, we believe we need or want something from another person, but without a clear understanding of what we hope to achieve, we may find ourselves chasing our tails and getting nowhere fast. Together, we had to figure out a way for Rebecca to feel as though Joe was compassionate and had empathy for her despite the fact that he didn’t necessarily agree with her behaviors nor did he want to get entangled in them. These were critical conversations.
Once we created a space of trust and safety between Joe and Rebecca, I encouraged Rebecca to come in alone in order to work on her dynamic with her family. I felt there were possibilities for growth in this area as well. Ideally, I would have loved to get her entire family into my office and really roll up my sleeves with the entire group. But that did not happen. One of her brothers did agree to join Rebecca for several sessions and it was enormously helpful. But the rest of the clan seemed comfortable in maintaining their status quo and were not looking for growth through hard work.
However, Rebecca did learn that it takes two people to engage in a fight. If one does not show up, the fight does not proceed. And so, we worked on strategies for Rebecca to not allow herself to get dragged into disagreements that formerly were typical and often. As her way of engaging with her family changed in positive ways, Rebecca found less reasons to resent Joe, and on the contrary, appreciated him fully for who he was and how fortunate she was to have him standing by her side. n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.
