My 46-year-old sister told me that she has taken a break from dating. First, she told us that her friends are doing that, and now she is following what they do. Even though it’s breaking my heart, just between you and me, nobody can blame these women. The men are horrible. She had two bad marriages, and the men she dated were not much better either.
There are no gentlemen anymore. They expect the women to act like ladies, but a lady needs a gentleman. There is no respect in the dating world. My sister is the youngest of eight children, and, at 68, I am the oldest and baruch Hashem, happily married.
I’ll give you a few examples of what goes on in the dating world, and I won’t even tell you the worst of it. Men think it’s normal for a woman to go on her own to meet them for a drink. They won’t even spend money on a cheap dinner. And those who do expect to be reimbursed. Some of the men she meets on dating sites feel that they should each pay their own way if they go out to eat.
A man can just break up with a woman whenever he wants, even if he was the unkind one, and he will say bad things about her. But when a woman breaks up with a man, he will get vicious and make up all sorts of stories.
The men have big egos and nothing else to offer. The shadchanim treat men who have bad reputations like kings and make the women out to be liars. There are even men who are still married (but say they’re separated), who get set up on dates and go to singles events! The idiot shadchanim think that a woman has to get all excited because a man said “yes” to her. What is going on in the world today?
So, now the women don’t want to date for marriage anymore. They think the men who want to get married are losers looking for free room and board. My husband asked me to write to you to find out what can be done. Are there any good men left?
Response
Most shadchanim have no clue what is really going on in the “divorced world.” They are not really at fault because they do not have neutral inside information. They believe whatever one side tells them, and they do not spend the time to investigate what they hear. They will interview a man who seems polite and they misconstrue his politeness for gentlemanly behavior, not realizing that politeness has nothing to do with being a good person. A bad person can still be polite and do wrong. Unless a shadchan puts him or herself out on the front lines as an advocate or coach for singles, they remain ignorant of the truth.
But here is where I will fault them. No shadchan should ever redt a shidduch to a married man or allow them into a singles event. I will share a story that I recently encountered. I advertised a singles event that I organized and a man contacted me about his interest in applying for acceptance. During our phone conversation, I detected that he dodged many of my questions, and a red flag went off in my head. When I directly asked him if he was still married, he had the chutzpah to double talk by deliberately distorting my questions. So, I said to him straight-out: “It sounds to me like you’re a married man and this event is for singles only. If you did not have a civil divorce yet, but had given your wife a get, then I could be lenient, but being that you are married, you cannot attend.” He then gave me the name of his rav that he claims gives him a heter to date because he is lonely, but I stood my ground and would not allow him to attend. He tried pleading with me and later insulting me, but to no avail. My concern in this case was not that I was surely going to make a new enemy, but at the end of the day, I did right by preventing what could have been a victimizing situation if he were allowed in.
In fairness to shadchanim, there are times when a shadchan would have no way of knowing if a man is still married when the venue is designed as a walk-in. However, in the case of pre-registration, it behooves the organizer or shadchan to do their due diligence in asking direct questions. With respect to dating apps, unfortunately, a woman is on her own in such circumstances.
It is a sad situation out there that women are terrified to enter a relationship, particularly if they have been burned in the past. But, just as there are good women out there, I assure you there are still good men. The system is certainly flawed with double standards, even among the people who mean well.
It is true that in some cases men are getting the royal treatment as opposed to women. If a “good guy” should appear in a group of middle-aged singles, shadchanim jump on the bandwagon to network on his behalf and make him out to be a saint. I don’t see that as being the case for women. I can see how that may be hurtful to your sister and her friends, and it is also understandable how it encourages bad behavior from the men who know they can get away with anything they do just by being polite and saying the right things to the shadchan.
While it may appear that the behavior of some shadchanim is tactless, please bear in mind that it is not coming from a bad place. There are fewer of what appears to be marriage-minded men available for the number of women seeking a shidduch. So, when they meet a man who appears to be a “catch,” they sometimes act like they discovered a goldmine to add to their database.
Your sister has been shell-shocked. Between her failed marriages and bad experiences with dating, with the added insult to injury in the way she is being treated by shadchanim, she needs a break from dating. I typically advise anyone who is coming out of a bad experience to take time to regroup. It is possible that she went from one bad experience to another with the thought process that she could improve her life in a new relationship. I see this happening all the time.
I don’t know how long it has been since your sister’s most recent relationship, but it’s okay for her to take time off. With regard to her friends, I don’t know what their circumstances are, but in their case, they might just be saying that they are not dating for marriage anymore until they actually find a man who is compatible with their needs. Just because they say they aren’t dating anymore does not mean they are being entirely truthful. So, if your sister is following their lead, that could be a mistake. She needs to do what’s right for her, and she does not have to share every detail of her life with her friends, either. There is such a thing as confidentiality regardless of how much you may trust your friend. In G-d we trust and nobody else, particularly in the dating world which is extremely competitive for women.
I must be fair and state that though I agree that there are some men who behave badly, the same can be said about women too. The way people treat each other has as much to do with nurture as with nature. A negative upbringing and societal trends can have a direct influence on interpersonal relations. But it is up to each individual to not tolerate what feels like mistreatment from a date or a potential date. That is where one has control. What is out of everyone’s control is how somebody speaks about them after the breakup of a marriage or dating relationship. Because here is where the ego steps in. It’s not even always about not being able to handle rejection. There are cases where the person who is committing the ill treatment is the one who sometimes walks away and does the rejecting. Such awful circumstances are typically seen in abusive situations. But here, too, one can catch on to the signs early on. When a person is on a first or second date, and the person they are spending time with disparages a former spouse or dating partner, it’s a sign to run far away from such an individual lest you become their next victim.
In many of the letters I receive, there are frequently complaints about who pays for what on dates. My response is always that I don’t understand why a man should feel the need to spend a small fortune on a date when the purpose of a date is for two people to get to know each other. There are various recreational activities one can enjoy without sitting in an upscale restaurant.
You pointed out that you are 68-years-old, and in the days before you got married, restaurant meals were not as expensive as today. Prices have gone up, but the salaries people earn today, in many cases, do not match the increased menu prices and surcharges. A serious, marriage-minded woman should not expect to be wined and dined in the dating phase in order for a man to prove his sincerity. By the same token, no woman is expected to marry a man to make him a free boarder either.
Men and women of all ages and stages in life have their individual complaints about the other gender. It comes down to respect. Respect is sorely lacking in all areas of life. If people would treat each other as they wished to be treated, everyone would reach their goals with less hardship.
As her sister, I advise you to encourage her to take time off. Perhaps a much-needed vacation from dating would do her some good. Or maybe a therapist would help her work through any issues. But, as I said, time off is a good idea for her to regroup and get a healthy handle on what she wants to do with her life regarding finding a man. If she does consider dating again, please continue to be a source of strength for her by being supportive and a great sounding board. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WVIP 93.5 FM HD2 & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.