Question
We live in a community where there are, nebach, so many older singles. My husband and I are, B’H, zocheh to host them for Shabbos or yom tov meals. We are happy to provide them a place to eat, but we also try to help them too. I mean, it’s nice that they have a place to eat in our home, but they are getting old right in front of our eyes. My in-laws tell us that we’re not doing them any favors since they know they always have a seat at our table, so why should they take the responsibility of getting married? Some of them look quite content to be single!
In all the years we’ve been hosting, we see so many alte bachurs that are over the age of 28 that were never married and don’t want to be. And the older girls that age, although they may want to get married, appear to be scared. My husband has a new shtick now to help them. Whenever we start eating, we go around the room and ask everyone to introduce themselves. Then my husband says, “When was your last date?” He does this hoping it will remind them to get with the program! But it doesn’t help. Like I said, we want to continue hosting these older singles, and we are happy to do it, but what more can we do to convince these older singles to get married aside from giving them mussar that they have a chiyuv to get married and time is running short.
Response
Please forgive me for what I’m about to say because I assure you that the response you will get from me will likely not make you happy. I’m beyond appalled, while at the same time trying to wrap my head around your role in the lives of these singles, and why they even accept invitations to your home in the first place.
Do you and your husband ever stop to think that perhaps your mitzvah of hachnasat orchim (which you claim to be zocheh to do) might not consist of making your guests feel offended? Do you ever look at the expression on their faces? Why are you giving them mussar altogether? What’s with your husband’s “shtick” about asking them when their last date was? Number one, it’s none of your business or anyone else at your table’s business. And number two, if the person has not had a date in a long time, it’s probably causing them a great deal of pain and embarrassment. Since when has it become okay to serve gefilte fish and other Shabbos delicacies with a side dish of mussar or degradation?
It seems as if you, your husband, and your in-laws have demonstrated a serious lack of awareness about what it feels like for a single man or woman to be hosted for Shabbos or yom tov meals. I’m here to tell you that it feels horrible for anyone to be in that situation. They accept your invitation and the invitation of others because the solitude of eating alone on Shabbos is too much for them to bear. The silence for these beautiful neshamos is deafening to their ears. But the tradeoff of being disrespected is an abomination.
Referring to a 28-year-old man or woman as an “older single” is comical, but also sad that this is how others view them. I can guarantee that each person who has eaten a meal at your table wishes that they didn’t have to do so as a single man or woman. Do you know why people are still single past the age that you consider to be old? Because they have not found their bashert. Never in history have there been so many never-married singles. Never in history have there been so many roadblocks to getting married. Other than torment these single men and women, what are you and your husband doing on their behalf? When was the last time you went on an active search for the bashert of one of your guests? Are you calling shadchanim and advocating for them? Are you going through your list of all the men and women you have hosted and tried to match a few of them up? It’s easy to tell someone to get married; it’s a whole other level to assist them in achieving that goal.
I am going to cut you and your husband some slack in assuming that your demeanor toward your guests is coming from a place of tough love. People who engage in tough love are of the mindset that pressuring people forces them to take greater responsibility for their lives. There are singles who feel so forlorn because whatever they have tried thus far has not worked in terms of meeting their bashert, so they become complacent with their status. They might wish they were married, but there is only so much they can do, and if they believe that no stone has been left unturned, they adopt an attitude of positivity because they have learned to accept their fate in life. That’s why it seems to other people that singles are happy. For others, the happy state you see is really just a façade. Some singles can smile through their tears and anguished heart, while others train themselves to appear happy when they are really sad. Though I am sure there are those who may have come out of a bad relationship and are grateful to be free, every person has a different story of where they have been and where they aspire to go.
You and your husband need to figure out if hosting singles is something that you really want to do. It could be that you are burned out. Perhaps the workload of all that shopping, cooking, serving, and playing host is too much for you. Not only that, but it could also be that you long for some privacy in your house, but since your house is known to be open to singles on a regular basis, you feel that you can’t take some time off. Maybe you’re finding all this to be emotionally and physically draining. Please discuss this with your husband, and if you need time off, there is no shame in informing your regular guests that you cannot host for a period due to personal reasons. I can assure you that they will be understanding. If you can suggest other options, or perhaps reach out to people in your community that are willing to host guests, that would be a nice gesture. But, if you can’t, do not feel bad or guilty. You are under no obligation to host singles if it comes with personal sacrifice.
If you wish to continue, then please do this mitzvah properly. Greet each Shabbos guest with a sever panim yafos, which means with a pleasant countenance, but really means with a smile. Your guests need to feel not only that they are welcome in your home, but that you are honored by their presence. When you sit down for a meal, talk to each guest individually rather than by going around the table and asking them to introduce themselves publicly, which can be awkward. Asking personal questions such as what they do for a living can be considered intrusive. Your guests are in your home for company and a nice meal; if they want more from you in terms of a shidduch, they will let you know one way or another.
It would be nice if you can assist the singles you know with a shidduch, but you are not a shadchan, and you are not inviting them over with the premise of hosting a singles’ event. Therefore, you are not expected to mention anyone’s marital status at the table. If you feel that any one of your guests would appreciate a personal relationship with you in terms of sharing information, reach out to them after Shabbos by texting or calling, and thanking them for joining. See where that goes. If they just thank you for your hospitality and leave it at that, take the hint and recognize that they appreciate you as a Shabbos host and nothing more.
You can always add that you enjoy their friendship and are always there for them as a friend, and leave it up to them to take you up on the offer. If you happen to have a compatible shidduch idea for somebody, it would be nice to invite that person over at the same time. Many shidduchim have B’H resulted for couples that met at a Shabbos meal. If it is not feasible to invite the two people over at the same time, suggest the shidduch idea, but only if you want to play matchmaker. If one or both parties decline, do not be judgmental or criticize. Respect their decision and move on.
In conclusion, treat a single man or woman the same way as you would treat a married guest in your home. Kavod Habrios does not differentiate between married and unmarried people. We are all obligated to preserve the dignity of every human being and never do or say anything to compromise their honor.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
