DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
It’s sad to say, but there are many people among us whose marriages are just not working. Not in the least bit satisfying, whether due to a lack of love, respect, connection, commonality, and so much more. Sometimes, it’s a combination of insidious issues that surfaced during their years together, or perhaps these two people never really had a great reason to marry in the first place. But they did anyway due to outside pressures from parents or internal pressures that the clock was ticking and they had to just jump in. Whatever the case, some marriages are just so damaged, one has to wonder if there is any possibility of repair.
So, the next question might be: Why do these people remain in painful marriages that give them nothing good and only add tremendous pain and heartache to their lives? I’ve heard many justifications or rationalizations. It often boils down to fear: fear of being alone, fear of supporting oneself, fear of what people will say, fear of disapproval from family and friends, etc. We can expand on any of the above ideas. But these various insecurities often keep people, more often women, rooted in their lives, without any hope for a better future.
As a couples’ therapist, I sometimes ask myself if doing something seemingly impossible can somehow be made possible. That is always the goal. But once in a blue moon, I’m left feeling hopeless when I see no way in or out to connect with one or both parties involved. It is such a sad occasion when this happens. Dov and Sima come to mind when I think back on such a time.
He Said
If eyes were daggers, Dov could launch attacks with very little effort. From the moment he walked (stormed) into my office, Dov’s dagger eyes were aimed at me. I felt his anger take over the room, and to be honest, I felt goosebumps at times. I tried to be my most charming self and engage him in some kind of dialogue, but I realized quickly that he was in control and that was not going to change.
Whether it was a prepared monologue or he just spontaneously launched into a diatribe, Dov seemed ready to vomit his story all over me and, lamentably, his wife Sima as well. And so he began: “I can’t believe I’m actually sitting in a therapist’s office. Never in a million years would I have dreamt of talking to a therapist, and I don’t intend to have a conversation with you today. I’m basically here right now so that Sima will finally stop nagging me to see a therapist. I know she’s going to complain about me, what a terrible husband I am, etc. Frankly, I’m not the worst. There are plenty of husbands who are worse than me. I provide Sima with a comfortable lifestyle. She has a home, family, and respectability in the community. I believe that’s plenty for her to be grateful for.
“Just so you know, we are not very well-matched. It was a shidduch and we both probably felt we had very little say in the matter. But here we are. I have no desire to get divorced. My business takes up most of my time and despite the fact that Sima is not the type of woman I should be married to, I’ve made a life for myself. I’m content.
“I think Sima has to figure out how to wipe that depressed look off her face and learn how to be happy the way I have. There’s nothing you can do or say that’s going to make us enjoy being together. So, there you have it. That’s my story. And now I have a meeting to attend, so I’m going to leave you and Sima here to talk about what a horrible guy I am. At least I showed up today.”
With that, Dov got up and walked out the door without even saying goodbye to his wife or me.
She Said
I felt a little shell-shocked from Dov’s abrupt and powerful tirade. After a few minutes, I caught my breath and turned to Sima, feeling badly for her and hoping she wasn’t feeling too embarrassed in front of me. I quickly realized that Sima was probably used to Dov’s behavior and didn’t seem particularly shocked or ashamed. When I checked in with her to see if she was alright, Sima responded as follows. “I see that you’re upset by how Dov behaved. But trust me, that’s nothing. I’m used to his insults, his bullying, his whole manner. This is who I’m married to. I’ve dealt with much worse.”
I had to break in and ask the following question: “Would you mind explaining to me why you made an appointment to see me with Dov? Were you hoping that somehow, I would be able to engage him in some way, leading to some meaningful couples’ therapy?”
“Honestly,” Sima responded, “I’m not sure what I was hoping for. To tell you the truth, I was kind of surprised that he finally agreed to come to your office. Past that point, I had no expectations. As you can see, I’m trapped in something very tragic. We’ve been married for twelve years. It’s never been good. Not from the day we married. I was shocked how he started fights with me during the week of sheva brachos. Somehow, nothing I did was ever right. Nothing I said, how I looked…. nothing was to his liking. This has been my life with Dov.
“I don’t have many friends, but my two best friends often ask me why I stay married to him. They see what I go through. I know they feel sorry for me. I think my children feel sorry for me. I’m pathetic. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I have no respect for myself, putting up with everything I put up with.”
“How would you like me to help you?” I asked. “Well,” Sima responded, “in my fantasies, you somehow find a way to get through to Dov and get him to appreciate me and treat me well. But when I’m being realistic, I know that dream is not even possible. Dov doesn’t listen to anyone. He doesn’t feel he has to change. Everyone has to figure out a way to cater to him.”
I had to ask the following question: “Is Dov ever physically abusive to you or your children?” “Thank G-d it’s never gotten to that point,” Sima responded, “Maybe because none of us ever defy him. I’m as obedient to him as my children are.”
My Thoughts
I tried reaching out to Dov several times to see if there was any way I could encourage him to come into my office alone. I was hoping I might get an opportunity to help him figure out where all this anger and need for control were coming from. Unfortunately, I quickly realized that he was not interested in any sort of self-awareness or self-improvement. He did not respond to any of my calls.
Thankfully, Sima and I began a therapeutic relationship that wound up lasting a long time. We explored what was holding her hostage in her marriage to Dov. In her case, shame was a big part of it. Plus, her older sister had gotten divorced two years earlier and she felt her mother almost had a nervous breakdown as a result and couldn’t imagine putting her mother through another child’s divorce. She felt that her mother could not handle the embarrassment of it all, so she believed divorce was not an option for her.
Though Sima was in fact concerned for her mother, there was much more to her story that even Sima had been in touch with for quite some time. Her self-esteem had been badly shattered during her marriage to Dov and she couldn’t imagine anyone else ever wanting to marry her, nor could she imagine being alone the rest of her life.
We had our work cut out for us and together we started to rebuild Sima’s confidence, empowering her in ways she never believed possible. At one point, we invited her mother into a session to hear from her what her thoughts were concerning Sima’s marriage and what she thought Sima should do.
Much to Sima’s surprise, her mother shared the fact that her heart broke for Sima whenever she saw how disrespectfully Dov treated her and that she would understand Sima wanting to leave him. What a relief that information was for Sima to hear. But it also drew back the curtain on previous excuses, and Sima had to dig deeper to get in touch with what was really holding her back from freeing herself from Dov.
This process did not represent a straight line. There were times when I felt Sima was getting closer to moving on from Dov and times when I felt we were back to square one. At least during this process, Sima was learning how to expand her life, friends, and interests, so that at least there was some kind of antidote to the pain she was experiencing at home. But it only covered up her core pain to a certain degree and no further.
At times, I wondered whether Sima would be one of those women who stayed by their man until 120, never mustering up the courage to leave. I know what I was hoping for, but ultimately the decision had to come from Sima and no one else.
I’m happy to report that after several years of weekly therapy, Sima finally found the courage, confidence, tools, and hope to serve Dov with divorce papers. Sima was actually ready to start a new and hopefully much better chapter of her life. Hope was restored. n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. She works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.