Ending a marriage is rarely an easy choice, and it’s even harder when you’ve spent years building a life together and raising children. Many couples stay in long-term marriages hoping things will improve, or they wait out dissatisfaction for the sake of stability, especially for their children’s sake. However, staying in a relationship that no longer supports one’s happiness and well-being can have negative consequences, not only for the parents, but also for the entire family. Recognizing the signs that it may be time to move on can be daunting, but sometimes necessary for creating a healthier future.
When arguments and tension become a constant presence in your household, it can significantly impact not just you but also your children. Homes filled with unresolved conflict and hostility can be emotionally challenging for kids, who may react with anxiety, sadness, or behavioral changes. A stable environment doesn’t come from forcing peace amidst conflict; it comes from genuine support and security. If peaceful communication feels like an impossible goal and every effort to resolve conflict only leads to more arguments, the relationship may be doing more harm than good.
In a long-term marriage, it’s natural for the intensity of the early romance to change, but when emotional connection and respect are gone, it feels like you’re more roommates than partners. When the emotional bond fades to the point of loneliness, and you’re no longer sharing meaningful conversations, concerns, or dreams, it creates a void that’s hard to ignore. This disconnection can make everyday life feel like a chore rather than a supportive partnership, leaving both partners feeling empty and unfulfilled.
Marriage requires mutual effort, especially during challenging times. If only one person is willing to invest the time and energy to improve things, it leads to a sense of imbalance and burnout. When you’ve tried repeatedly to communicate, seek counseling, or make personal changes, only to feel your efforts go unacknowledged, it’s often a sign that your partner may have emotionally checked out. A relationship where one person is carrying the emotional load isn’t sustainable, and it can set a harmful example for children about what a healthy marriage looks like.
Over time, unresolved issues and feelings of being unsupported can build into resentment. Small frustrations can accumulate, whether concerning feeling unappreciated, overburdened, or dismissed. Resentment, if left unchecked, can quietly erode any remaining affection or goodwill, making day-to-day interactions tense and draining. If resentment is a constant presence, it’s worth reflecting on whether staying in the marriage still aligns with your long-term happiness and emotional health.
Many couples evolve over the years, but sometimes they evolve in different directions. Perhaps you’ve developed new interests, career goals, or personal aspirations, while your partner is uninterested or even dismissive of these pursuits. When couples no longer share values or can’t support each other’s growth, it can lead to a sense of incompatibility. While this doesn’t make either person “at fault,” it does highlight a significant gap that can make staying together difficult and unsatisfying.
If staying in the marriage takes a toll on your mental health, that’s a clear indication that the relationship may no longer be a source of support. Living with chronic stress, anxiety, and a constant sense of being “stuck” is emotionally exhausting, and can leave little energy for yourself or your children. Parenting is already demanding, and being emotionally drained from an unfulfilling marriage can make it even harder to give your best to your family. When your own well-being feels compromised, it’s crucial to consider if the marriage is contributing or even the source of this unhappiness.
It’s common for couples to stay together “for the children,” wanting to shield them from the difficulties of divorce. But sometimes staying in a relationship without love or respect can have unintended consequences. Children are intuitive. They can sense tension and unhappiness even if they don’t know the specifics. Growing up in a home where affection is absent shapes how children perceive relationships and it may even affect their own future partnerships. Making choices that reflect self-worth and happiness can teach children resilience and set a healthy example of prioritizing mental and emotional health.
Some long-term marriages include patterns of emotional and verbal abuse, which can be just as damaging as physical abuse. Emotional abuse might appear as manipulation, belittling, control, or persistent criticism. When these behaviors become routine, they undermine self-esteem and create an environment where trust, safety, and respect are missing. No one deserves to be in a relationship that makes them feel small or unworthy, and children raised in these settings can internalize these dynamics, continuing the cycle of harm.
For many couples in long-term marriages, the choice to leave doesn’t come lightly, especially when children are involved. After years of trying counseling, setting new goals, or attempting to rekindle affection, some reach a point where they realize that staying won’t bring the happiness they hoped for. Recognizing this isn’t a failure; rather, it’s an acknowledgment that everyone deserves a fulfilling relationship, one built on genuine care, support, respect, and joy.
Making the decision to leave is incredibly complex and personal. Speaking to a counselor or therapist can provide clarity and help you process your emotions. Talking to friends, family, or support groups may offer a new perspective. For many, divorce mediation provides a way to separate amicably, especially when children are involved, allowing both parents to create a co-parenting plan that maintains stability for the family.
Staying in a marriage should involve more than just obligation; it should be based on love, respect, and growth. Although leaving a long-term marriage with children is challenging, it can also open the door to a healthier, happier future for everyone involved. Ultimately, choosing a path that prioritizes emotional well-being, mental health, and a positive home environment can sometimes be the most loving choice of all. n
Tamara Gestetner is a professional mediator who specializes in divorce, and a psychotherapist located in Cedarhurst. Tamara works with couples in need of mediation as well as couples in need of counseling. Tamara can be reached at tamaragestetner@gmail.com or 646-239-5686. For a free guide to dealing with the intricacies of divorce, please scan the attached QR code.
