Where Have All The Good Men Gone?

Question

I’m a 37-year-old female who has never been married or engaged. I’m a respected professional in my field, but when it comes to finding a nice, decent, normal guy to marry, I have no mazel. I tried matchmakers. I tried singles’ events, dating sites, and dating apps. Everyone says that the good guys are already married. I didn’t want to believe that until I saw it myself. It’s a real thing that when you match with a guy on apps, they don’t even contact you. And if they do, it’s more like “let me know when you’re in the city, and we’ll meet for coffee.” And trying matchmakers is not much better. Either they have no one for me, or if they do and he says, “yes,” he never calls. I don’t think matchmakers take singles my age seriously anymore.

My mother says I should be less picky and settle. But with whom shall I settle? A socially off guy or someone I’m not attracted to? Baruch Hashem, I have good friends and we are all in the same predicament together. We are nice looking, work out in a gym regularly, and are generally in good shape and healthy. We want to marry our equals. I told my friends that you always have good advice, and I will volunteer to write to you. We are waiting to hear what you recommend we should do. Thank you for your time.

Response

I get where you’re coming from. As time goes on, I am seeing more and more accomplished, never-married young ladies in their thirties, unable to find their matches. Every case is different, but there is always a reason for it. To find the solution, one must fully understand the challenge and the root cause for it. In fact, when I do an “intake” for coaching, one of the fundamental questions that I ask singles is about their early dating experiences. If they have never been married, then I place even stronger focus on that component.

In most cases, when young ladies first enter the dating world, they are typically around nineteen years old to early twenties. Those whose families are well-connected will always get more attention from the matchmakers. It’s not that the matchmakers only want to assist well-connected or affluent families, but the parents of these young people tend to be more proactive because they know which doors to knock, so to speak. Not only that, they are well-informed regarding where the compatible matches of young men might be.

But as we know, a shidduch comes from Hashem, and the fact remains that even among the best-connected families you will find never-married young ladies. Some of these young ladies have expressed to me that when they were younger, they were either not ready for marriage, or they kept changing their mind regarding what they were looking for. Some even shared that they always assumed there was something “better” out there. Time does not stand still for anyone, and as the months and years passed, hitting thirty became a wake-up call for them.

As they took stock of the guys that they had impulsively dismissed years earlier, they saw that many had gotten married or even changed their hashkafic values. Of the ones who were still single, sometimes the ladies would consider giving them another chance. The outcome of revisiting a shidduch opportunity after the passage of time can result in two outcomes. Sometimes, most often, it reiterates the original opinion of why the shidduch was not plausible. Less often (but the best-case scenario), they conclude that they are compatible after all. Within this frame of reference, I would like to share a story with you about a case I had.

I introduced a young lady and a young man to each other. They went on a date and reported back that not only would they not go on a second date, they both expressed disdain to me for even suggesting this shidduch possibility in the first place. When I inquired as to what went wrong, the young man stated that she was too plain-looking, and she claimed that he had a receding hairline and a potbelly.

Fast forward nineteen years, neither had married and each had experienced their own share of heartache and disappointment during those long years. Meanwhile they kept in touch with me. At one point, they were both calling me on a consistent basis just so that I would lend them an ear. One day, on a whim, I suggested that they revisit the possibility of going out again after all these years since they were both movie buffs, avid readers, and had many other interests in common. At first, they said no, but then I used a different approach.

It was nearing the week when the woman would be going on vacation from her job as a public-school teacher, with nothing to do in her quiet apartment. He was planning to take some time off from his job too. They each complained to me that they were dreading staying home all alone. I utilized that opportunity to encourage them to get together to just talk (they were both great conversationalists). They finally agreed, and when I didn’t hear from them for a while…to make a long story short, they called me one night to tell me they decided to get married.

Today, they are happily married, and whenever they call me on erev Shabbos or erev yom tov, they express regret about all the years wasted, when they could have been married, but dismissed each other for nonsense reasons. I must point out that whatever they initially did not like about each other in terms of physical imperfections remained unchanged. But with maturity, they gained a deeper appreciation about one another and allowed the attraction to grow based on the qualities that were not immediately visible.

No man or woman should ever settle in marriage. It is wrong and extremely harmful to marry someone you are not attracted to, or whose core values and hashkafah are completely different from yours. If a person is mentally unstable or unkind, that too is something no one should settle for.

I want to talk a bit about the socially off person you cited. There are people who do not present well on a first date and can appear to be socially challenged; sadly, they are usually never given a second chance to prove themselves. Instead, they are labeled “socially off” and become a pariah in their community’s dating circles. I tell singles that unless a person they dated did something truly bizarre, they should give them a second or even a third chance to make sure there really is something wrong with them.

Regarding men on dating apps who do not respond, yes, I hear this complaint all the time. You are correct about that, as you are about guys who will say, “Let me know when you’re in the city, and we’ll meet for coffee.” Those men are not serious, and they’re letting you know in advance not to expect marriage from them. In essence, they are saving you from wasting your time. It is not a given that every person is marriage-minded just because they are single, even at an advanced age. It is not your job or anyone else’s to change their mind about marriage either. Why these guys are on dating apps, attending singles’ events, or even wasting the matchmaker’s time could be due to a lack of self-awareness, or because society expects them to show hishtadlus.

What I cannot be mekabel is the impression you have that all the good guys are married. The world is quite large, and just because you may not have met compatible men in your age bracket, does not mean they do not exist. What it does mean is they are likely busy being productive in their careers, and they stick to their own circles. Therefore, they are not out there being social with everyone. Others might be living in different parts of the country than you. It is also a good idea to perhaps broaden your horizons in terms of what you are seeking in a potential spouse.

The point is to never give up on your goal of finding your bashert. Continue to do what you are doing with regard to all the opportunities of meeting guys. I understand how painful it feels and how easy it is to get discouraged when there appears to be no relief in sight. Try not to be immediately dismissive of someone whom you may have declined in the past. People change and mature. Look outside your daled amos. Perhaps in a different city, state, or even country. If you cannot relocate, maybe the man has a job where he can either work remotely, or his company has a branch in your area. (I recently made a shidduch like this.) Hashem split the sea so two people who are destined to meet each other can cross over, meet, and get married. Keep your heart and mind open, and let Hashem do the rest.

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7, FM HD3, listenline, & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.