DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
I think almost everyone would agree that moving up in life, advancing the quality of one’s life, is a lot easier and happier, and doesn’t take much effort. Most of us can glide effortlessly into an elevated state of being. However, moving backwards, that is, giving up what we’ve become accustomed to, is an entirely different matter.
On the way up the ladder, every step up is seen as truly remarkable. But when headed in the opposite direction, when retracing the steps downward, the rung that seemed so great at first suddenly doesn’t look so wonderful anymore. It’s just human nature. We always want to move up in life. Any step backwards can feel like a total defeat.
In reality, life is a series of ups and downs. We like to believe that we will always move upwards, but that is not always the case. Like the game of Chutes and Ladders, sometimes we land on a chute that takes us back to the beginning…a place we never dreamed we would ever revisit. When that happens, we are truly put to the test. We have to discover our true coping skills, or even if we are interested in coping!
Pinny and Kayla definitely stumbled upon a serious “chute” that came seemingly out of the blue. Their reactions were as different as night and day, creating an enormous wedge between them that had not previously existed. How they worked toward repairing that rift when their lives felt irreparably broken is the focus of today’s column.
He Said
Pinny began by stating that Kayla was in my office under duress. He wanted to make it clear to me that she actually had no desire to sit in my or any other therapist’s office. He had been asking her for quite some time to see a therapist together with him, only to have his pleas rejected time and time again. Pinny wanted me to know that he had no choice but to ultimately threaten her with some bold ultimatums, the exact nature of which he never revealed to me. However, whether he was bluffing or not, it seems the threats took hold. But it was clear to me, both from what Pinny shared and also from Kayla’s body language, that she wanted to be as far away from my office as possible. “Okay,” I thought. “We’ve got to start somewhere. Let the games begin.”
Pinny was very open about sharing his background. He told the story of an ambitious young man with lots of energy and a determination to succeed. It was always important to him to work hard and there wasn’t any job he felt was beneath him. He would make himself available to do anything from shoveling a neighbor’s driveway to babysitting. If there was any money to be made, he was available. As he got older, obviously the jobs became more sophisticated, but his work ethic never changed.
In his thirties, he got his big break working for a start-up company, in which he continued to progress until he had a very high-level management job. As his salary kept rising, so did his lifestyle. He was only too thrilled to give his wife and children everything he could. “Probably too much, but that’s another story,” Pinny pointed out. Meanwhile, they moved to a larger home, drove fancier cars, took enviable vacations, and lived the good life. Pinny wanted to make it clear that he also gave generously to tzedakah, helping out a few family members, and always available if anyone needed a helping hand.
Kayla, who had grown up in small apartments and wearing hand-me-downs, had no problem adapting to the good life. Occasionally, Pinny tried to talk to Kayla about finances, believing she should understand about budgets and investments, but she showed no interest in learning about where the money came from or how it was spent. She trusted Pinny to continue providing for their family, and was absolutely grateful for how their lives were playing out and advancing.
And then came Covid. Pinny’s business was hit hard, and though he and his coworkers tried tenaciously to hold on thinking that Covid would pass in a matter of months, eventually, they had to admit that the time had come to shut the doors to their once successful business. While Pinny was devastated, it seemed Kayla was in denial, not quite understanding the consequences, nor wanting to understand the realities of their new circumstances.
As was Pinny’s nature, once he came to terms with the reality of his situation, he immediately started to look for a new position, hoping to quickly land something that would pay the exact same salary he was accustomed to receiving. “Looking back,” he admitted, “I probably wasted too much time trying to find a position that would pay my previous salary. It took me a long time to realize it wasn’t going to happen so fast. It was hard for me to admit that I was going to have to seriously cut back on our lifestyle to match the types of positions I was being offered. But once I had clarity and downsized my expectations, I was totally on board with finding a new job. I had and still have total faith that even if we have to downsize our home for a smaller one, or trade in our cars for more modest ones, I have enough belief in myself that I can once again build up my career and salary.”
“Sadly,” Pinny continued, “I have been on this journey alone. Kayla has refused to understand what happened and why my company closed shop. She refuses to talk about downsizing, making compromises, and adapting. Not only did she not support all these situations I was going through—and believe me, it wasn’t easy—she became angry and is still angry with me, as if I did all this on purpose to hurt her.
“Mind you, through all of this, I never once asked Kayla to get a job. She actually has a master’s degree and could work wherever she chooses, but she never once asked if there was something she could do to help. All she seems capable of doing is complaining and acting depressed.”
She Said
Pinny’s story was sad, but not unique. I was curious to see how Kayla understood and assimilated their current situation, and what was holding her back from acting like a teammate rather than an adversary.
Feeling sensitive toward Kayla’s reality, I began by asking her how she felt about what Pinny just shared. Her response was harsh: “What do you want me to say? It’s been really tough for both of us.” After validating that fact, I carefully tried to open up a conversation that would help me understand why she appeared to lack any understanding or empathy for Pinny.
“I wonder,” I began, “whether you hold Pinny responsible for the demise of the company he worked for and whether you feel he could have avoided what happened.” Once again, Kayla’s response gave little insight into whether she had ever gone so far as to understand the nature of Covid, the business, and Pinny’s need to reset their lives. It seemed as though Kayla was totally focused on her personal loss of a grand lifestyle and couldn’t see past her Tesla.
“Would you agree,” I continued, “that Pinny has always been very generous with you and always wanted you to have the very best of everything?” Again, I sensed a great deal of resistance about saying anything positive about Pinny. I added: “Could it be that your anger at Pinny is somehow consuming you?” Kayla responded to me as if I were a child who didn’t understand the basics of life and said, “Are you kidding me? Why wouldn’t I be filled with anger? How would you feel if your husband suddenly told you that you had to sell your home that you adored and worked so hard to furnish to perfection? Wouldn’t you be angry?”
Though I know in therapy it’s certainly not about me, occasionally a moment comes when I can’t present as a blank wall and sometimes feel as though an honest answer might be helpful. “Actually,” I said, “I would probably feel very, very sad, for sure. In fact, I can’t even imagine how painful the possibility of having to sell your home must feel. But after licking my wounds a bit, I would like to think that I would try to understand what my husband was going through and see how we could work together as a team, to do some damage control with the hope toward a better future.”
At this point, Kayla more or less snorted at my response and seemed to be disinterested in carrying on with our conversation.
My Thoughts
As sessions go, this one would certainly not rank as one of my finest. Kayla was very set in her position of blaming Pinny and feeling quite justified in her anger toward him. In fact, Pinny showed up alone for quite a few future sessions, which he desperately needed in order to process his present situation and keep his head on straight so he could continue to work hard to repair his career to the level it once was.
We spent much productive time together, during which he began to look back on his marriage from the beginning with a much more realistic perspective. He realized that his relationship was somewhat skewed by his desire to make Kayla happy, even if it meant compromising his own happiness. Pinny recognized the fact that when he first met Kayla, he saw her as a damsel in distress and wanted to be the prince who saved her from her harsh upbringing. Like many kind souls, Pinny is one of those special individuals who thrives on saving, giving, and protecting others. With time, he came to realize that his misplaced compassion and generous nature were ultimately not helpful.
At some point, Pinny decided to tell Kayla that if she didn’t commit to therapy, he would separate from her. That’s how unbearable his home life became. Kayla realized that Pinny meant business and showed up again, but with her guard up and empathy on lockdown. But I am happy to say that, with time, we were able to break through her barriers and tap into the vulnerable, insecure Kayla that had many olds wounds that needed healing. Finally, the work began!
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.