DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
In last week’s column, I highlighted a couple who struggled with their competitive natures. In their case, it boiled down to who was, in fact, smarter. They were both quite bright, and frankly, what difference did it make if one of them might have had a slightly higher I.Q.? What mattered most was that they were both quite intelligent and able to keep up in a conversation without feeling bored or lost. Once they were able to lose their competitive edge and enjoy being in each other’s company, they realized how blessed they were to have found one another. They no longer felt that sense of frustration.
Generally speaking, it’s never a good idea for a husband and wife to feel as if they are in competition with each other. Ideally, they should each feel proud of their spouse’s gifts and accomplishments. Doing so is a sign of love and support. Like a mirror that reflects back onto the other all that is good, so too should a supportive spouse reverberate their partner’s strengths and successes with pride.
Though most couples don’t start off with these negative behaviors; sometimes, as their lives develop and veer off into unexpected paths, their reactions can be unpredictable and surprising. Sometimes you don’t even need two people to compete. You can have one person punching against the wind and still feeling knocked down. And so it was with Ben and Rachel.
He Said
Ben grew up as an only child. His parents waited for eight years before he (according to his parents), miraculously appeared. Understandably, he was catered to quite a bit. Looking back, Ben had to admit he was a bit spoiled. “It wasn’t as if my parents had no expectations of me. I was expected to do well in school, follow rules, and eventually work toward a solid career. But they never expected me to be the top of my class. As long as I tried, they were pleased with my efforts,” Ben explained.
Ben grew up believing he was one of the best things in Hashem’s creation. Certainly, in his own home, his parents constantly told him so. Of course, at some point, Ben started to realize that his parents didn’t necessarily reflect the opinion of others. Though it was nice to always feel like a superstar in his parents’ eyes, when reality ultimately hit, he experienced a bit of a letdown.
When Ben started law school, he met Rachel. They found themselves together in numerous classes over time, and their relationship began as friends. Eventually, their relationship blossomed into so much more. By the time they were close to graduation, they were talking marriage.
“It was about that time,” Ben explained, “that Rachel and I were both nervous about finding jobs. Our grade point averages were very similar, though Rachel’s was always higher than mine. Not by a ton, but enough. We both knew we didn’t want to work for big law and were looking for opportunities with mid-size firms. From the get-go, things seemed to go quicker and smoother for Rachel. She got a job offer before I did, and her salary was a bit higher than mine. Nothing remarkable, but I guess the writing was on the wall even back then.”
“As time went on,” Ben continued, “Rachel’s career seemed to be skyrocketing while mine was meandering along. I found myself feeling insecure much of the time, feeling that I wasn’t good enough. Not hitting my potential. And I’m even ashamed to admit that this definitely affected my behavior toward Rachel.”
She Said
Rachel began by giving me the context of her upbringing, which she felt was very important for me to understand. She grew up the middle daughter of three girls. her parents got divorced when she was just 11-years-old. Her father, who could be described as a deadbeat dad, failed to show up in most ways. As a result, her mother worked very hard at two jobs in order to raise her children in a normal fashion. But the mother constantly drilled into all three girls the importance of hard work, securing a lucrative career, and never having to depend on anyone financially. Rachel and her sisters took her mother’s advice seriously, and all worked very hard in school to secure their futures with well-paying careers. Her mother modeled for them hard work and independence. Message received.
“However,” Rachel insisted, “despite what I saw at home, my attitude with Ben has always been, ‘what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine.’ Everything we have is in both of our names. I could care less who earns more. It means nothing to me. I know that Ben feels a lot of shame about earning less, but I don’t understand why. I tell him all the time how proud I am of him and that we’re a team. I don’t know what else I can say or do to make Ben believe that I see him as a successful man and that I look up to him. Unfortunately, every time I get a promotion or a raise, Ben becomes even snarkier toward me. He will find ways to belittle me or lash out at me. It’s so not fair.” It was time to pull out the tissues. “Though I believe I understand where his need to put me down comes from,” Rachel said in frustration, “it still doesn’t help to make me feel happy and loved.”
My Thoughts
There are men who believe it is their responsibility to be the sole breadwinner in the family, or at least the main one. It’s an old-fashioned notion, but in some homes, it has unfortunately stuck. Ben and Rachel’s generation is one in which most of the women have joined the workforce. With skyrocketing expenses, it often takes two salaries to make ends meet. Nevertheless, many men still believe in the idea that manly men should earn more than their wives. They equate salary with a macho image. There seemed to be some of that going on with Ben and Rachel.
To make matters worse, to some degree, Ben still held onto the beautiful messaging from his parents that he was the best! Having a wife who seemed to be more successful professionally didn’t line up with that message in his psyche. And so, Ben found ways to put Rachel down so he could feel better about himself. Well, that never works! In fact, it created additional havoc in his ego since he knew it’s unsuitable for him and ultimately makes him appear less than…
Luckily for Ben, Rachel was a very sensitive and wise woman. She understood the dynamic taking place. The challenge was to help Ben let go of his knee jerk reaction about being a failure next to Rachel. In fact, Ben was far from a failure. Certainly professionally, he was doing just fine. Rachel never felt the slightest sense of competition toward Ben. It was only Ben who thought that way. However, if Ben kept lashing out at Rachel because of his own insecurities, Rachel would ultimately see him as a failure—failing to be a kind, sensitive husband.
I continued doing individual work with just Ben, helping him to work out his wobbly sense of self, guiding him toward a more trusting place with Rachel and himself as well. It didn’t take long to smooth things out and help Ben reboot his self-image around Rachel so that he could truly adore her without any hidden resentments.
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by e-mail, mindbiz44@aol.com.
