DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
There was a movie many years ago called “Whose Life is it Anyway?” Though the subject matter was very extreme, it speaks to a powerful question that should be explored. Particularly within a family and certainly within a marriage. From a micro to a macro level, it can emerge as a serious conversation. Just this past Shabbos, I overheard a conversation between two women who were discussing vacations. One mentioned the fact that she travels often to exciting destinations sans her husband because he has no desire to travel. The other woman asked, “He lets you?” The first woman had a shocked look on her face and responded, “Lets me???” As if that could even be a question. The second woman stammered back, “Well, you know, there are some husbands who might not allow it.” These two women were clearly coming from different perspectives and had very different ideas regarding who controls a person’s choices and life in a marriage.
This idea can have much greater implications when issues arise regarding one’s health. Serious fights have emerged over plastic surgery, purchasing a motorcycle, or even extreme dieting techniques, to name a few. When one spouse makes a decision to engage in an activity that can be potentially dangerous, does the other spouse have the right to say “no”? Who has the final say?
This was basically the concept that brought Michael and Sharon into my office. On this matter, they started out as far apart as any two people could be.
Though a significant part of couples’ therapy is about finding a comfortable middle ground where each party feels they got part of what they wanted, in a case like this, there was no real middle ground.
He Said
As a therapist, when I first laid eyes on Michael, the expression about eyes being the window to the soul instantly came to mind. I sensed a great sadness within him. Old and possibly fresh pain that he carried around with him. When I began to probe, he had no problem with sharing his story. “When I was ten years old, my mother became very sick. She was ill for over two years until she finally passed away. I’m one of five children, so you can imagine what our life was like in those days. She was in and out of the hospital constantly. My father is a great guy, still is, and he did the best he could, and we did have some wonderful aunts who pitched in, but on a minute-by-minute basis, life was very scary. Feelings of tremendous insecurity always pervaded us. Though we weren’t told a lot, which was probably worse, we knew we were all in big trouble. That was the pervasive feeling my siblings and I constantly lived with, worrying when the floor would totally drop out from under us.
“My mother passed away before my bar mitzvah. I have absolutely no memories of that time in my life, which should have been one of my greatest highlights. Despite my father doing everything he could possibly do, I walked around for more than a year in a daze. My mother was an incredible woman. I loved and still love her dearly. The loss for me left a huge hole in my heart. A day doesn’t go by when I don’t think about her and miss her. And we’re talking over thirty years now.
“Despite my tribulations, I’ve been blessed in many ways. I have a wonderful wife and four beautiful children. I have enormous gratitude to Hashem and thank Him daily, but also know that life can change on a dime, and I do worry probably more than most people that my greatest gifts can be taken away from me in the blink of an eye.
“Which brings me to the reason why we’re here today. Several weeks ago, Sharon told me that she wants to donate a kidney. I kind of sensed this moment was coming because Sharon has a heart of gold and is such a giving person and last year, her sister donated a kidney. She has been talking about how wonderful her sister is ever since. I agree; it’s amazing. I’m in awe of her sister for doing so, but there is a big difference between Sharon and her sister. Her sister is ten years younger than her and in general, a much healthier person. As you can see just by looking at Sharon…I wouldn’t say she’s frail, but she isn’t exactly hardy. When she has a cold, it’s not just a cold. It often turns to bronchitis. She has never had what you would call an easy pregnancy or delivery. She’s had three C-sections and took a while to bounce back from each. Thank G-d there’s nothing wrong with Sharon, but to me, she doesn’t look or seem like the picture of perfect health.
“I know we can’t control our destiny, and everything is in Hashem’s hands, but I also don’t think we need to stack our chances against ourselves. Ever since Sharon brought this up, I haven’t had a normal night’s sleep. I can’t imagine how I would survive if anything happened to Sharon. I don’t think I could survive without her. And what about our children? I would never, ever want them to go through what I went through growing up. It’s unimaginable.”
She Said
Sharon is a 41-year-old slight woman. Yes, there is a fragility to her, but she certainly looks healthy enough. I learned a bit about her upbringing. She grew up in a lovely home with two sisters and parents who stressed living lives with passion. She has memories of attending all sorts of rallies with her family, being forced and ultimately encouraged to spend summers taking on various chesed commitments and while many of her friends were busy worrying about clothing and studying for tests, her parents emphasized good deeds and thinking about the underdog.
“When my sister announced to the family that she was going to donate a kidney,” Sharon shared, “my parents were bursting with pride. We were all very impressed and kind of in awe of her. Though being compassionate and giving was who are as a family, this decision took it to the next level. I saw firsthand that this wasn’t a simple matter, and she went through a lot until she was finally back to herself. But the stories she shared afterwards about the life she saved were breathtaking to hear.
“Michael knows me well. As soon as my sister began talking about her decision, a seed was planted in my brain. I started wondering whether it was something I should do as well. I understand where Michael’s concern comes from. Believe me, he shares his pain over the loss of his mother often, sometimes as if it just happened yesterday! But you can hardly compare donating a kidney to being diagnosed with the worst possible illness. They are two such different things. But in Michael’s mind, they are almost one and the same.
“I don’t know how to convince Michael to take it easy, not to worry, and frankly, to allow me to be the master of my own body. Yes, I know his concern comes from an abundance of love for me and our children. But at the end of the day, shouldn’t I be the one who determines what I do with my body? And whether I want to partake in one of the most magnificent acts of chesed?
“Frankly, I don’t even know if I qualify, which is something I told Michael. He thinks I’m so frail. Well, if I’m as frail as he thinks, then they will reject me. But I want to at least be able to go for testing and see what the doctors say. Obviously, if they don’t feel I’m a good candidate, it’s all a moot point. But I want to explore my options, and Michael is forbidding me from doing even that.”
I asked Michael why he was so opposed to allowing Sharon to go for testing. If his suspicions were correct, then the decision would be made for them, and this would be a battle he wouldn’t have to fight any longer. Michael responded, “Because I know that if they somehow accept Sharon as a candidate for donating a kidney, she’ll start moving forward like a freight train and there will be no stopping her. I’m trying to nip this thing in the bud before it takes on a life of its own.”
My Thoughts
Between Michael and Sharon, there was a lot to unpack. Michael’s earlier trauma had never been addressed on any level. When I asked him whether he, his father, or any of his siblings had spoken to a therapist at the time of his mother’s death, I was surprised to learn that none of them had gone for help. This was shocking to me, and explained why the pain inside of him was still so raw. Michael finally agreed that he would benefit from doing some trauma work with an appropriate specialist who dealt in such matters.
Though Michael’s and my own admiration for Sharon was abundant, I felt there was something a bit over the top about her needing to constantly prove her worth to her parents, her siblings, and herself. Though it’s highly admirable to constantly strive to improve oneself, if it’s for the sake of filling a relentless, insecure hole inside of yourself, then there is a bigger story that needs to be addressed. The question is: “When will Sharon stop chasing an ideal that has no end point?”
Finally, we engaged in much heated debate over the notion of “Whose life is it anyway?” At the end of the day, does a married person with children have the right to make a decision that can alter the lives of everyone in the family without taking into account their needs and desires? Though Michael and Sharon never agreed on the answer, they were finally able to put themselves in the other’s shoes and feel their partner’s feelings.
After quite a bit of on-going therapy, Michael finally agreed to support Sharon going for testing. As life, with all of its irony, would have it, Sharon was not a candidate for organ donation for some unexpected reasons. Michael was enormously relieved, and I suspect Sharon was as well. More important, through our process, Michael and Sharon ended their sessions feeling closer to each other than they had before, and each of them felt more solid in their own skin as well. n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached t 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.