Every once in a blue moon, I write an article about popular expressions that drive people up the wall. And it’s hard to say what drives us crazy about them. Though I think maybe it’s because they leave us scratching our heads if we actually stop and think about them, but the people who say them to us don’t actually stop and think about them, and that also gets our goat.
Sometimes, it’s about the expression being cryptic in the first place. For example, take the expression, “No news is good news.” Well, that’s pessimistic. Or optimistic. That depends: Does it mean that if you didn’t hear any news then chances are nothing bad happened, or does it mean that there is no news that is good news, ever? What if you’re waiting to find out if someone had a baby? Then neither is true.
I always assumed it was the first option, but now I’m not sure. I look at the news these days, and none of it is good news.
But it does seem like that first option is the intended one, because the earliest version of this saying was attributed to the King James I, who wrote, in 1616, “No newis is bettir than evill newis.” (He was not the best spellir.)
That said, I love the term, “evil news.” That sounds like all the news agencies that are for sure absolutely not slanted, and if they are, it’s definitely the Jews’ fault.
Or how about when you say that something, “Tastes funny”? Why “funny”? No one ever laughs when something tastes funny.
“The milk tasted hilarious today. Ha! Good times.”
No one loses themselves trying to get the sentence out.
“The milk tasted-HA! Haha. Chh. One second… I gotta calm down. Okay… Hhh. The milk tastedPFfffffffffffffffff!”
And nobody is else is laughing, and they say, “I guess you had to be there.”
And that’s another expression: “You had to be there.”
I did? Why didn’t you tell me beforehand that I had to be there? I thought it was optional. You’re telling me now?
I guess it makes sense if it’s actually somewhere that you have to be, as in, “Class was horrible. You had to be there.”
That said, I think a lot of expressions actually did make sense when people came up with them, but you had to be there.
The meaning doesn’t always land, though. For example, the expression “He has a cast-iron stomach” is supposed to mean that he can eat anything. Even if it tastes funny. But I’ve looked into cast iron, and if the expression is to be taken literally, it should also mean that his stomach is unnaturally heavy, requires hand-washing, takes a long time to cool down, and needs to be coated in oil every once in a while. And it can’t really handle acidic foods.
Sometimes, though, an expression does make sense, but we get caught up on a detail of it and lose sight of the point. Like, for example, if you say that something will happen “when pigs fly.” Why pigs? Did someone look around and say “Pigs are the least likely animal to fly. Cows, I could see, but pigs?”
Yes, Hashem in his infinite wisdom did not allow pigs to fly. Imagine if pigs flew. You’re just driving along, and a pig hits your windshield. Or you’re constantly saying, “I don’t want to park under a tree; there are a lot of pigs around.” Not to mention what they would do to the telephone wires. Also, did you ever have a bird hit your patio door? Pigs have notoriously bad eyesight. Or imagine if your wife said to you, “I think there are pigs living in the attic,” and then you had to go up with a broom and deal with it. (“Why is it always me?”) This would definitely end with one or more of you putting a foot through the ceiling.
Also, with some expressions, we can get caught up on a word that has no meaning. For example, take the expression, “He pulled himself up by his bootstraps.” For example, you can say, “My father came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back, but he pulled himself up by his bootstraps.”
“Wait, I thought you said he had nothing but the shirt on his back.”
“Oh. He also had bootstraps.”
“Did he have boots?”
“It’s not clear.”
Which part of the boot is the bootstrap? Is that the laces, or is that like if you have Velcro on your boots?
I actually tried looking up bootstraps, and the only results I got were this expression. So I’m not sure they exist. That said, I figure it’s an expression that means that something is impossible because it involves doing something impossible with something that doesn’t exist.
Or take the expression, “That’s in your wheelhouse.” What’s a wheelhouse?
I don’t know what a wheelhouse is. It’s not in my wheelhouse.
But if none of us know what a wheelhouse is, then why is the stuff we know about always in one?
I would think it’s a house where you keep all your wheels, because your wife is like, “Not in the house!” like your wagon wheels and your wheels of cheese and your Super Snacks pizza wheels… And someone comes over to you and says, “Do you have any wheels?” and you’d say, “Do I! They’re in my wheelhouse!”
Turns out it’s, of all things, a boating term.
But a boat, doesn’t have wheels, right?
Wrong. It has one. It has that massive steering wheel with the eight handles. A wheelhouse is that little enclosed area that the captain stands in on a boat when he needs to steer it but he doesn’t want everyone else in his elbow room. Someone decided, “I know that most of the deck is outdoors, but at least the wheel should be indoors.” That way, while everyone else is getting washed overboard in a storm, the captain can stand firmly in front of his wheel and continue to turn it against the wind, as opposed to hanging onto it for dear life and having the boat turn in whichever direction he’s blowing. So “in your wheelhouse,” means “in a situation in which you have control.” Other things in your wheelhouse are a compass (the kind that points north), a compass (the kind with the pointy end that you use to walk around your map), a large surface on which to spread your map, some kind of telescope, and a radio that is super staticky.
Some expressions do make sense, though, even if they sound a little weird. For example, when you hear something, “straight from the horse’s mouth.” I guess the horse catches a lot of secrets. You don’t think he’s listening to you in the wagon, but he is.
What it actually means, of course, is “to learn information from an impeccable source,” because why would the horse lie? What does he have to gain?
Personally, I think it’s actually the driver you heard it from, but you don’t want to get him in trouble.
Why do we have to say it’s the horse’s mouth, though? What does that add over “I heard it from the horse?” I guess like if the horse texted you, it might not be accurate, because of the hooves. It has to be from his mouth.
But anyway, it turns out that the expression comes from horse racing, where the horse would tell you beforehand whether he was going to win or whether he didn’t really feel like running that day, like the horses discuss this beforehand. Horse racing is fake. At some point the horses figured out that, rather than everyone pushing themselves to the max every single day, it’s a lot easier for them to just let a specific pre-determined horse win, and everyone else can just take it a little bit easier. They’re on a rotation.
Or take the expression, “The lights are on, but nobody’s home.” This is a way to say that a person is not intelligent, but in a nice way. I mean, you start off with a compliment… The lights are on, at least.
Whenever I hear that expression, it brings me back to when I was growing up, and my parents left the lights on in the living room every time we went away for Shabbos, so people would say, “The lights are on. I guess someone’s home.”
Who was falling for this? The lights were on for those people, but no one was home.
The crazy thing is that when my parents are home, the lights are only on in the rooms they’re in, and most of those are near the back of the house. So the lights are not on when someone actually is home. “The lights aren’t on, but someone is home.” Is that an expression?
And speaking of less hurtful ways of insulting people by distracting them with expressions, how about when you say that someone, “Lost his marbles”? This is usually only said about older people, because if it were younger people, you would say they lost their video games.
Marbles are better for the expression, though, because you don’t just drop your marbles. The slightest unevenness in the floor can send them rolling for miles. You can lose your mind looking for them.
In fact, notice that there is no expression, “He found his marbles.”
When I was growing up, we had several games that were supposed to have marbles, but we never played any of them because we’d lost all our marbles.
Speaking of which, maybe I should end here. Quit while I’m ahead. n
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia and is the author of seven books, published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send questions, comments, or ideas to MSchmutter@gmail.com. Read more of Mordechai Schmutter’s articles at 5TJT.com.
