Why Ask Why?

By: Rabbi Dr. Dovid

When I was in high school and computers were more or less a prop used in science fiction movies, nobody believed that one day computers would be able to do more than just compute data. At most, we believed that computers could store information and retrieve it for you if you asked it a question, but certainly not “reason” like a human. For instance, if you asked a futuristic computer what the capital of Nevada was, it would retrieve the correct answer: “Carson City” But if you asked this same computer which stocks would go up or who will win a boxing match, it would never be able to provide such speculative information.

A classmate of mine once wondered what would happen if you asked a computer the simplest question of all: “Why?” I speculated that the computer would say: “Insufficient information” or “Not programmed to answer that question.” My friend conjectured that the computer would simply blow itself up as it churned and labored to answer such an open-ended question.

We humans ask “why” all the time. We ponder and query many things, such as the meaning of existence, the nature of life and death, why there are wars, why people hate, why some people self-sabotage, and why others sabotage other people through hacking, scamming, or other forms of destructive behavior. In other words, why do some people feel they gain by making others lose needlessly?

And we humans don’t just ask the “why” questions, we also attempt to answer them. This is something the philosophers labeled “Homo religiosus,” our innate human spiritual quest to describe human behavior through a religious or spiritual lens. Instead of some people answering in order to provide answers and comfort, they attempt to redirect their reactions or to provide comfort.

When the answer to a “why” question is too difficult, some people provide impatient, dismissive answers, often to hinder the other person from persisting in his querying. They will say things like, “You keep asking why; the answer is because!” Some people are a bit more compassionate and honest and will respond to “why” questions with: “We simply do not know.”

It’s worth analyzing why we try to answer someone’s “why” question. Is it to help them, or possibly to relieve ourselves of the pressure to do something when we feel just as confused and helpless as they are? Or are we trying to distract them from whatever is tormenting them? How helpful are our answers? If a child broods over life’s unfairness and asks why something isn’t going his way, is there anything we can say that might help them get through it, or are we just distracting them from their question? When a person is bereft or traumatized and asks “why,” is there anything we can offer him that can actually make a difference? If we go into a convoluted speculation about why someone suffered or died or try to be mystical and spell out the exact trajectory of their departed spirit, does this actually comfort the person who is suffering or are we just giving them more reason to question? Do we even know what we’re talking about?

Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to bad people? Why does anything happen anyway? The danger of our well-intentioned attempts to answer these questions may end up casting blame, implying someone’s guilt, or finding fault where there is none, as in: “It happened because you did X” or “It wouldn’t have happened if you had done Y” or “You were punished for Z.” All these attempts to explain why events occur may end up shutting down the questioner who now feels blamed, which can feel worse than the original question, or leave the questioner shocked and confused.

Sometimes the best response to a “why” question is to sit with the person asking the question and give them a non-tactile, non-verbal embrace of benevolent silence. Maintain eye contact, a compassionate demeanor, and nod with gentle validation that their question holds meaning. Validate the uncertainty and how it is a reaction to the events that are challenging them right now. They do not have the answers right now nor do you. But time, space, and distance might eventually bring a change in their view or the strength to accept the loss or crisis. Why not? 

Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox is a forensic and clinical psychologist, and director of Chai Lifeline Crisis Services. To contact Chai Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis helpline, call 855-3-CRISIS or email [email protected]. Learn more at ChaiLifeline.org/crisis.