MINDBIZ

Dear Esther,

I’ve been married for three years and have a one-year-old child. My problem is that my husband has a very difficult time handling his anger. He will not even admit that he has a problem, and refuses to get help.

Unlike abused women, he has never laid a hand on me or, G-d forbid, our baby. But when he suddenly turns into this scary person, he yells and screams, and often picks up whatever is nearby and throws it against the wall, or even at me. Once, he threw a book in my direction. I don’t think he meant for it to hit me, but it did hit me on the shoulder; it was very painful, and stayed bruised for quite a while.

When he’s in a good mood, he can be very nice and sweet and we can have fun together. When I try to bring up his anger during these calm times, he laughs it off and tells me that I’m making more of it than it really is. He works hard and cares about taking care of his family.

I just don’t know what to do. When he gets really angry, his eyes start to bulge, and he’s almost unrecognizable. I’m afraid that maybe, someday, he’s actually going to hurt me, if he totally loses control of himself.

I really believe that my husband is a good man. I’m just not sure if I’m overreacting to his anger or not reacting enough.

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

I think that you need to understand some basic concepts regarding anger before we take this any further. Anger is a normal, usually healthy, human emotion. A certain amount of anger, which allows us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked, is necessary to our survival. However, when it gets out of control and has the potential to turn destructive, it becomes a very serious problem. When in the presence of an individual who is not in control of his anger, one can easily feel as though one is at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion that is threatening to one’s safety.

You mention how scary your husband looks during these times. That is because anger is accompanied by physiological and biological changes, such as an increase in heart rate and blood pressure, while the levels of energy hormones and adrenaline go up, as well.

I will not get into what could possibly be causing his anger, whether it is due to external or internal events. Neither will I get into whether it is caused by genetic or physiological triggers or even his background.

What I would like to clarify is the fact that people who are easily angered tend to have a low tolerance for frustration, meaning that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to any sort of inconvenience or annoyance. They have not learned how to take things in stride, and become particularly irate when they believe—often falsely—that they are being treated unjustly.

You mention that unlike “abused women,” he has never touched you. Frankly, my dear, it seems to me as though living with his outbursts of anger puts you in an abused position. Just because his anger hasn’t turned violent yet, doesn’t mean that it never will. And throwing objects in your direction could certainly be viewed by others as violent. I am concerned for you and for your child. Your situation could turn dangerous. And even if it doesn’t, why are you willing to tolerate his yelling and screaming?

I believe that you should take a very serious stand and insist that your husband go for help, whether or not he agrees that he has a problem. I understand that the more he blows up at you, the more intimidated you are made to feel, and the harder it is for you to assert yourself. Therefore, I recommend that you seek help for yourself as well. It will be very hard for you to change how you react to his behavior without some sort of support system in place. But by working with a professional on your self-confidence and self-esteem, you will grow in a way that empowers you and enables you to do the right thing.

Meanwhile, he is getting away with this behavior because he can. Once he understands that you will no longer put up with it, he will, hopefully, seek help. And you should know that there is all sorts of help available for your husband: anger-management classes, various types of therapy, and even relaxation techniques.

I wish you both my success.

Esther

Esther Mann, LMSW has a private practice in Lawrence. She can be reached at 516-314-2295 or at [email protected].