Flying Into EWR
When I travel east, I generally land in Newark, where the airport call-letters are EWR. Whenever I travel to lecture, I speak about EWR. That is, I use those same letters to identify the three pillars of effective caring for others. Allow me to clarify.
When someone in distress turns to others for help and unloads their sadness, pain, or other emotional concern, a friend, family, or relative will likely shower them with sympathy. That is, they will cry along with the troubled person or tell them what they would do if this happened to them, or they will compare the plight of the sufferer to their own struggles, commiserating with them. That can be helpful up to a certain point, but when the listener ends up redirecting the focus onto themselves rather than staying focused on the one seeking help, a sympathetic reaction will be useless to the person in distress. This is why in more professional encounters I teach my students to avoid sympathy. Someone else’s pain is their pain, not my pain, and it does little for them when I start talking about how sad this makes me feel or I share some other sympathetic self-disclosure.
I think of how the Mishnah in Yoma tells us that the elders in the Beis HaMikdash had to caution the Kohen Gadol about being careful during his Yom Kippur rituals. If the Kohen Gadol was not appropriately cautious and conscientious, his errors could prove fatal. We are told that, when given this admonition, the Kohen Gadol turned away and cried, feeling sad that anyone might accuse him of potential wrongdoing. This is understandable: the sages had to institute a cautionary process because of the corruption that had seeped into the Temple service by ignorant and unqualified persons. They decreed that each year, the current Kohen Gadolwould be forewarned against unholy negligent conduct. Nevertheless, a qualified and sincere Kohen Gadolwould feel bad that he too must be given such a warning, and would turn aside and cry. Meanwhile, our Talmudic sages explain to us that those elders who needed to give the forewarning also cried about having embarrassed the noble Kohen Gadol, yet the Talmud states that they turned aside and then cried. They felt bad having to imply to the Kohen Gadol that he was suspect, but they had a task to perform. They turned away to conceal their tears from him because they needed to tend to their own feelings, not distract their colleague from his own feelings. Building on this observation, I suggest that when someone turns to us for support, we offer it to them but do not manipulate the interaction so that he needs to take care of us as we express how overcome we are with sympathy for him. He needs our support and should not feel that now he needs to comfort us.
So, what should we offer those who turn to us in pain, sadness, or distress? If we are caregivers, helpers, counselors, clergy, or others who are not relatives or family members, our role is to empathize. The E in EWR is empathy. This means that as a supportive listener, I display understanding and support to the person in plight by validating his distress, focusing on how he is affected, while keeping myself out of it. I teach my students that there is no “I” in empathy. Empathic statements are not “I know what you’re going through” or “I cannot understand how you can cope” or “I’m deeply saddened to see you in pain.”
Empathic statements are “You are deeply hurting,” “This is sad for you,” or “This was a shocking experience and naturally you’re feeling the shock.”
Empathy is not about pity. It is not about our opinion of what they are going through or about what we are going through. It’s not a problem that we need to solve by offering trite cures such as “At least you…” or “Be strong.” Empathy is not about bursting into tears when someone turns to us with their tears. It avoids comments such as “You’re too sensitive,” “You’ll get over it,” “Just calm down,” or “This is too much for me to bear.” Empathic listeners offer the gift of connecting and showing care for what the person is expressing and experiencing. It is the E of my EWR, and we will learn about the two other steps in forthcoming articles in this column. n
Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox is a forensic and clinical psychologist, and director of Chai Lifeline Crisis Services. To contact Chai Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis helpline, call 855-3-CRISIS or email [email protected]. Learn more at ChaiLifeline.org/crisis.
