Safe Space

By Jessica Steinmetz, LMHC, CASAC-G

Clinical Director of The Safe Foundation

Thoughtful Answers To The Things We Don’t Say Out Loud

There is a particular kind of conversation that happens every week.

It’s not the one at shul or at kiddush. Not the polite “How are you?” or “Everything good?” It is the one that almost never gets spoken aloud—the thought you have while setting the table for Shabbos, standing over the cholent, or watching the clock and wondering why someone still isn’t home.

It usually begins quietly.

Is this normal?

Am I overreacting?

Why does this bother me so much when everything else seems fine?

In our community, people are strong. They show up. They carry responsibility. They care deeply about their families, their values, and doing the right thing. And because of that, many people become very skilled at managing what doesn’t quite fit into conversation.

Addiction is one of those things.

Not always the kind that looks dramatic or out of control—but the kind that hides in routines, social norms, and things that are easy to explain away. The kind that blends into the rhythm of the week.

Sometimes it looks like kiddush club.

A few drinks that turn into more than planned.

A delay that stretches longer than expected.

A spouse waiting at home with the children, lunch ready, unsure whether to be worried, angry, embarrassed, or all three.

A conversation that gets postponed—again—because it’s Shabbos, because guests are coming, because this doesn’t feel like the right time.

Sometimes, it’s the person drinking who feels uneasy.

Sometimes it’s the person waiting.

And sometimes both people sense that something is off, but neither knows how to say it out loud.

Addiction doesn’t always show up the same way.

Sometimes it’s alcohol.

Sometimes it’s pills, other substances, or gambling that began as a way to cope and quietly grew into something harder to manage.

And sometimes it’s not about what the behavior is, but how much space it takes up—mentally, emotionally, financially, and relationally.

The common thread is rarely the behavior itself. It’s the secrecy, the rationalizing, and the feeling that something important keeps getting pushed aside.

We hear versions of the same questions again and again—usually whispered, often with uncertainty:

“Is this just part of the culture, or is something not okay?”

“If it only happens sometimes, does it really count?”

“Am I helping, or am I avoiding?”

“Why does this keep taking up so much space in my head?”

These aren’t dramatic questions. They’re human ones.

And they tend to surface in the in-between moments—between shul and home, between one simcha and the next obligation, between wanting to preserve harmony and wanting to feel honest.

Addiction and emotional struggle rarely begin with clarity. They begin with quiet discomfort. With rationalizing. With the sense that something isn’t sitting right, even if everything looks fine on the outside.

In our work, we have learned that people don’t ask these questions lightly. They ask them because something inside them is paying attention.

Sometimes the question is about drinking.

Sometimes it’s about substances, gambling, or a habit that no longer feels contained.

Sometimes it’s about boundaries, resentment, fear, or exhaustion.

And sometimes it’s simply about wanting life to feel the way it’s meant to feel.

This space is meant to hold those moments—the ones that don’t always make it into the conversation but still deserve an answer.

If you’ve ever found yourself carrying a question you don’t quite know how to ask—about your own behavior, someone you love, or a situation that feels harder than it should—you’re not alone.

If you’ve ever wondered whether what you’re dealing with is “enough” to talk about…

If you’ve ever felt torn between keeping the peace and speaking the truth…

If you’ve ever waited with lunch on the table and questions in your head that didn’t feel appropriate to ask at kiddush…

You’re not the only one.

And sometimes, asking the question—even quietly—is the first meaningful step.

If you or someone you know is struggling or has questions about addiction, habits, or their impact, support is available.

Questions may be submitted anonymously to [email protected]; selected questions will be addressed in future columns. For confidential support, call 718-GET-SAFE. 

The Safe Foundation is an outpatient treatment program licensed by NYS OASAS and NJ DMHAS, providing confidential, professional services for individuals and families affected by substance use and gambling disorders.