“They Say They Stopped. How Do I Know If It’s Real?”

By: Jessica Steinmetz, LMHC, CASAC-G

Question:

My husband says he stopped gambling and that everything is under control now. Part of me wants to believe him, but another part of me feels uneasy. I don’t want to accuse him if he’s actually trying, but I also don’t want to ignore my instincts and get blindsided again. How do I know if he has really stopped?

Answer:

This is one of the hardest positions for you to be in. When trust has been shaken, words alone rarely feel like enough. Even when someone genuinely wants to change, their loved ones often find themselves listening closely to every reassurance, wondering if this time is truly different.

Part of you wants to believe him, while another part remembers the last time things seemed under control.

That kind of uncertainty can wear on you.

One thing that can help is to understand that stopping a behavior is not the same thing as “being in recovery.” Sometimes people stop doing addictive behaviors because they’re afraid of the consequences or because their home life has reached a breaking point. That effort can certainly be sincere. But lasting recovery usually involves more than simply removing the behavior.

Recovery involves changing the patterns and underlying emotions that led to the behavior in the first place. Because of that, families often find it more helpful to pay attention to patterns over time rather than relying only on reassurance in the moment. For example, many people notice that real recovery tends to come with more openness, not less.

Addiction often lives in secrecy: hidden spending, vague explanations, and defensiveness around simple questions. When someone is truly trying to rebuild his life, those patterns usually begin to shift. There may be more transparency about finances, schedules, or daily routines.

Not because someone is being monitored, but because the person working on recovery understands that rebuilding trust requires openness.

Another important sign is a willingness to seek support.

Addiction thrives in isolation, while recovery is all about connection. Many people who sustain recovery have some form of outside structure: therapy, support groups, accountability, or other ways of staying connected to people who understand the struggle. 

When someone insists they can handle everything completely on his own, families sometimes find it harder to feel reassured over time. Addiction often carries a strong belief: “I can control this myself.” Recovery involves letting go of that idea and accepting support.

Consistency is another important piece.

Trust rarely comes back because of one conversation or one promise. It rebuilds gradually when actions and words begin to line up again and again.

Ask yourself:

Are conversations becoming calmer instead of more defensive?

Is your husband taking responsibility for past harm rather than minimizing it?

Are the changes continuing even after the immediate crisis has passed?

Those are the kinds of shifts families often notice when recovery is taking hold.

It is also worth having one or two direct conversations about what rebuilding trust actually looks like. Not in the middle of an argument, but in a calmer moment. Asking questions like, “What support are you willing to put in place?” or “What would transparency look like for both of us?” can shift the focus from reassurance to action.

For loved ones, one of the hardest parts of this process is learning to live with some uncertainty while things unfold. Many people feel caught between two fears: being too trusting and getting hurt again or being too skeptical and discouraging someone who may actually be trying.

There isn’t a perfect formula for navigating that balance.

What can help is remembering that trust doesn’t have to return all at once. In fact, it likely won’t. It can rebuild slowly as new experiences accumulate.

Try focusing less on trying to prove whether he’s telling the truth, and more on observing the pattern that develops over time.

When recovery is real, it tends to show up in everyday life, with greater honesty, more responsibility, and a willingness to stay engaged even when conversations are uncomfortable.

If you still feel uneasy, that feeling deserves attention. Unease is not the same as accusation. Sometimes it simply reflects that the relationship is still rebuilding stability.

If you or someone you know is struggling or has questions about gambling, substance use, or habits that feel harder to control than they should, support is available. 

Questions may be submitted anonymously to [email protected]; selected questions will be addressed in future columns. For confidential support, call 718-GET-SAFE. 

Jessica Steinmetz, LMHC, CASAC-G is the clinical director of The Safe Foundation, an outpatient treatment program licensed by NYS OASAS and NJ DMHAS, providing confidential, professional services for individuals and families affected by substance use and gambling disorders. We offer respectful and culturally sensitive support delivered with a deep understanding of the values and dynamics that shape the communities we serve.