Distress Management On Pesach
Long ago in yeshiva I had a rebbe who used to joke that if the Chofetz Chaim had observed all the hard work his wife exerted in preparing for the Pesach yom tov, the laws he brought down in his Mishnah Berurahwould have been far more lenient!
Pesach preparation, for those who stay home, is indeed a challenging process, lasting many weeks and involving meticulous cleaning, kashering, meal planning, cooking, and of course, purchasing everything needed for the holiday. Much of this labor falls on the shoulders of the housewife, who for many of us, is the wife or mother. We hope that all of her hard work is appreciated, and that we express our appreciation in a tangible way.
Nonetheless, even when the housewife performs all this labor with emotional gusto and spiritual fervor, there is a definite stressful element to it. In general, any great task that involves concerted effort, precision, deadlines, and consequences (for oneself and others) will be stressful because it constitutes an external pressure that can generate internal pressure. Internal pressure can take various forms. When the demands of one’s environment are by definition an external stress, one might feel heightened motivation, excitement, or subjectively meaningful transcendence or spiritual sensations. Or one might feel distress. Distress is a human emotion that usually arises when cognitively, our thoughts are worried about the external demands and our emotions become tense, nervous, anxious, or overwhelmed. In distress, there can be physical changes as well which can range from changes in breathing, blood pressure, muscle tone, gastrointestinal sensations, even headaches. Distress is distressing! It is a fairly normal consequence of ongoing environmental stress yet it can be diminished or managed.
We often hear about stress management, yet when pressures are real and are external to us, we usually do not have much “control” over them that would allow us to manage such stress. Blizzards are an example of an environmental stress, yet no one would claim to have control over the snow, so that they might claim to be managing that stress. What we might be able to do is manage our distress. Some of our distress is a product of our perceptions. That is, if we do not want something or do not like it, its presence in our lives will likely lead to distress. In turn, if the stress represents something that is ultimately wanted or enjoyed, our perception of that stress will reframe it as a challenge rather than a problem. What can be useful to many people in distress management is reviewing our perspective: Is all of this pressure important to me or does it hold meaning for me? Can I maintain perspective as I define the challenging tasks ahead, mindful of my role and the steps I am taking to remain focused and calm? Can I monitor and observe any uptick in physical reactions which might lead to distress? It is important to breathe, to take soothing breaks, and to do some muscle relaxation in order to maintain physical composure and comfort despite the many chores and tasks ahead of us. It is also important to have someone to vent to: being honest about what is difficult, what is a burden, where some assistance is needed, and how one is coping in the moment is part of self-care and when one can turn to a caring and supportive resource and express what is tough as well as what feels fulfilling and good, all of this can ground a person so that distress is easier managed.
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There’s no doubt that preparing for Pesach is stressful. It is clear that for many people, this can trigger internal distress. The management of this distress is what can turn this festival from a holiday to a holy day.
Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox is a forensic and clinical psychologist, and director of Chai Lifeline Crisis Services. To contact Chai Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis helpline, call 855-3-CRISIS or email [email protected]. Learn more at ChaiLifeline.org/crisis.
