We Tried Couple’s Therapy… So Why Do We Feel Worse?

A woman wrote in this week with a question that I think about more often that people would expect, especially for someone in my field. She told me that she and her husband tried couple’s therapy twice with two different therapists and both times they walked out feeling worse than they had when they walked in. Their friends kept encouraging them to try again, but she says she feels hesitant now, even scared, and she asked me something very directly. Is it possible that therapy doesn’t work for some couples? And if therapy is not an option, what is the alternative?

You’d think the answer coming from a couple’s therapist would be simple. Go back. Try again. Therapy works. But the truth is more complicated than that, and if I’m being honest, I’ve seen enough to know that sometimes therapy can actually make things worse.

Not because the idea of therapy is flawed, but because the experience of it—at the wrong time or with the wrong therapist—can do more than just fail to help. It can deepen what is already broken. I’ve seen couples leave sessions feeling more misunderstood than when they came in. I’ve seen one partner walk away feeling validated while the other felt completely exposed. I’ve seen the therapy room turn into a place where people collect language to prove their point instead of a place where they actually try to understand each other. And maybe the hardest part of couple’s therapy is what it does to hope. People come in holding on to something fragile, the last bit of hope that things can still shift, and they leave feeling that if even a professional therapist couldn’t hep them, perhaps nothing will.

That kind of experience doesn’t just disappear. It stays with you and makes it much harder to walk back into another room and try again.

So, the first thing I want to say is that two bad experiences in therapy does not mean that therapy itself can’t work for you. It may mean that you have not yet met the right therapist. Couple’s therapy is not simply individual therapy with two people sitting on a couch. It has its own skills, and not everyone who offers this type of therapy is actually trained to do it well.

At the same time, most couples do not come to therapy when things first start to feel off. They come when things have started to fall apart after years of difficulty. By the time they are sitting across from a therapist, they have been arguing over the same issues for years. Their resentment has already been building for years. They have already created distance, and in many cases, one or both marriage partners may have already started to pull away emotionally.

When couples arrive at that point, therapy is not always about fixing what is broken. Sometimes it becomes about figuring out if there’s still something there to fix.

And then there’s the question that people rarely say out loud but often feel: What if this marriage is not meant to be saved?

Therapy cannot save a relationship that one or both partners have already left emotionally. What it can do is bring clarity.

The couples I have seen truly shift their relationships were not necessarily the ones who had the most in common or even the strongest feelings for each other. What they shared was something else. They were willing to stay in the process even when it felt uncomfortable.

So, should you try again?

I cannot answer that for you. But I think a more useful question is whether there’s still a part of you that wants to.

If that feeling still exists, even in a small way, then it may be worth giving it one more chance.

Because therapy is not a rescue. It’s a place where you are asked to see things more clearly.

And when a decision is made from that place, it is one you can live with no matter what direction it takes you. 

Tamara Gestetner, LMFT, is a psychotherapist and certified mediator based in Cedarhurst who helps individuals and couples navigate relationships, career questions, and the challenges people face in everyday life. She is also the host of the podcast Talk2Tamara. Readers are welcome to submit questions or topics they would like addressed in future columns. Tamara can be reached at TamaraGestetner.com, [email protected], or 646-239-5686.