Make Me A Match

By: Larry Gordon

We’ve been focused on trying to make shidduchim for many years. After last week’s tribute to three young men who tragically passed away over the last few years, the reactions were varied. More than anything, it conjured up great sadness in many of us.

As a follow up, I wanted to do something more upbeat and productive, which led me to think about the shidduchim that both Esta and I have been zocheh to make, along with many others that we worked on with diligence and intensity.

Of course, I’m not identifying anyone as everyone has a right to privacy, which I respect. Another reason for tackling this subject at this time is that we have recently run into a number of peers and acquaintances who have children at home, many of whom are in their 30s and even 40s. And many are at their wits end with no clue on where to turn or what to do to assist their adult children in getting on with their lives.

Through our efforts, we’ve helped about two dozen men and women go out on at least one date. I can count a minimum of five shidduchim that we initiated and saw through from the first date to the chuppah. Those experiences are very satisfying.

Even though most of these shidduchim took place after our children were already married and we could approach the idea of matchmaking with some clarity, the fact of the matter is that with the passage of time, the obstacle course that is the world of shidduchim has become even more complicated than it once was.

Some of the shidduchim that we had the good fortune to preside over went pretty smoothly. The reality is that with singles who depend on a shadchan to reach out to them, the efforts involved in getting both sides to agree to a first date is frequently more arduous than the rest of the process leading to a successful conclusion.

The biggest obstacle to making a match, as many of you know, is that many of these young men and women already know about each other. And what’s truly odd is that they don’t have to have actually dated each other. All they need to know is that the other one exists. Frankly, it’s difficult to understand why just knowing a person is an automatic no-go on the part of both parties. In most cases, neither is interested in meeting the other side either for the first time or to give it another try if that is the case.

I was zocheh to make the shidduch for one of my daughters. It was more than 20 years ago when I went to daven Ma’ariv at a local Five Towns shul. My wife asked me to see if I could find anyone I knew who could point out the young man that was being suggested by one of our friends.

The woman who made the suggestion had a daughter the same age as our daughter, so my wife automatically wondered why the idea was good for us, but not for her daughter. That’s at least a good start in making a complex subject even more complicated.

So, later that evening, I was in shul davening Ma’ariv while searching the rather large room for the possible candidate that I was being charged with finding in order to make an assessment.

My wife and her friend described the young man to me, but I could not find anyone who fit that description. So, I did the next best thing and asked a few people whether they knew anyone by that name. No one knew him. It was not going well and I was risking coming home empty-handed.

The unusual thing about this shul was that the walls are so thick that even if you have your cell phone, you can’t get a signal. So, when Ma’ariv ended and everyone began heading to the exit, most of the people were in the process of turning on their cell phones.

When I got outside, I was getting ready to break the news to my wife that I couldn’t find anyone that fit the young man’s description when standing there was a young man who was looking at the messages on his phone, but I had no idea who he was about to call.

He seemed like a nice-looking, personable young man who was about the age of the person I was supposed to be looking for. He was about 5’6” and of smallish build, so I asked him his name, which was an unusual name for a Jewish kid from Monsey. I deposited the information in my human hard drive and made a beeline for my car. The day was over.

The next day—it was a Monday afternoon—I received a call in my office from a woman with the same last name as the young man. I think she was inquiring about ad prices for a summer program her company offered. Apparently, I was listening with limited attentiveness when I suddenly said, “I think I met your son last night.”

She said: “What? Where?”

I didn’t respond directly to her query, but the next thing I said was: “I think I have an idea of a shidduchfor your son.”

The rest of this conversation went mostly like this: “Well, the girl must be short,” she said. I told her she was about 5’1”. I explained to her that it was my daughter and she took down the information.

The woman I was speaking to said that if they do go out, we would need a shadchan to function as the intermediary between us. I thought for a second and then spontaneously responded that we were both experienced adults—though at that stage neither of us had any married children—and we could handle it on our own.

The arrangement I proposed was that the children go out on a first date and afterwards, the mother would let me know by midnight if her son was interested in continuing to see my daughter. And I would likewise tell her my daughter’s reaction upon meeting her son by noon the next day. She hesitated, but since we both had minimal experience in these matters, we agreed to the process. So, after our children met for the first time and my daughter was home by 10 p.m., I just had to wait for the lady’s call. It was getting late and I hadn’t heard any response so I began to reason that it was a good try, but for whatever reason it just didn’t work out.

At two minutes to midnight, my cell phone rang and it was the mother calling to tell me that her son had had a very good time and was interested in seeing my daughter again. I started to figure that my idea was a good one and this was going to be easy.

And it did go fairly easily except that we still had a daughter who was slightly older than the kid I was working on. And as you know, that’s an additional complication in the shidduch dynamic of our times.

Today, Baruch Hashem, this couple is happily married with six children and are beginning to field inquiries about their beautiful and outstanding 19-year-old daughter.

I played a central role in a few more shidduchim, and there are several that my wife and I are working on right now. One in particular that I wanted to write about for a long time but hesitated was one that required a great deal of time and effort.

I made the suggestion to the parents and the boy and girl hit it off instantly. But after just a couple of dates, the momentum came to a screeching halt because the young lady had a slightly older sibling who was insisting that her younger sibling stop dating so they could marry in order.

The whole thing came to a dead stop, but not as far as I was concerned. Overnight, I became a mediator and negotiator on a number of issues. The talks continued for half a year as those involved worked overtime to try to find the older sibling a shidduch so the younger could continue her blossoming relationship.

Both sides visited my home and office at different times so we could continue the evolving relationship without hurting anyone’s feelings. Both sides were looking to me for a solution, and I suggested from all the history I’d read that we open up a back channel where the couple could communicate while we were waiting for a break in the so-called case.

That idea was rejected by all parties as they wanted the relationship to be on the up and up. In the end it all worked out. The only thing we needed, like in all shidduchim, was patience and perseverance and the vision that someday things would end happily, as they did.

This doesn’t happen too often but the opportunities to make a shidduch usually avail themselves in spurts for some reason. Right now, we’re in the middle of trying to redt three shidduchim, each of which comes with its own set of circumstances.

The first was eliminated from consideration as the boy responded instantly that he knew the girl already. I’m not here to talk anyone into anything but I think if both are in their 30s and happened to have dated for five minutes ten years ago, it might make sense to try again. People change over a decade or more. Don’t you think? But nope, if you know of the person or previously dated them, it’s out of consideration. No is no.

Over the years, I’ve become convinced that there are people looking for a match for whom the idea of just hearing that someone is interested in dating them and researching a suggestion conjures up an excitement all its own. And that is apparently not an easy thing to give up. After all, once you’re married, it’s not likely that you’re going to hear that there are people who are researching the possibility of dating you.

We’ve run into this situation often and all I can say at this juncture is that I’m not sure if it’s the parents or the young men or women who are attached to this idea of having someone interested in them as a prospective date for their son or daughter.

The professional shadchanim are fond of saying that everyone should try to make a shidduch if they have the tools to do so. To see a shidduch come to fruition is extremely satisfying. An additional odd thing here is that in reality you have someone’s best interest at heart but often you have to work on the matter as if they were doing you a favor.

I don’t know why there are so many self-made obstacles to bringing people together to build a happy and healthy Jewish home. They need it, we need it, and over the long run our people need it, so let’s get it done. 

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