Question
I suffer from bipolar disorder. Baruch Hashem, I am stabilized and take all treatments for my condition with utmost seriousness and no corner cutting. I also believe it is absolutely crucial to disclose this on my shidduch résumé, which I started doing. A few weeks ago, shadchanim set me up with a young lady who likewise had bipolar disorder, but towards the end of our third date, she revealed a massive red flag that she badly wants her husband to be Moshiach; especially with all of the tsuris that Klal Yisrael has been facing.
When I addressed this to the shadchan who set us up, she told me not to worry about it. When I further clarified that I am a Ben Levi whose lineage halachically precludes me from ever being Moshiach, she told me just to focus on making her happy and not to let go of this prospect, as our respective bipolar diagnoses renders us nebachs among more mainstream shidduch candidates.
Meanwhile, I remain perplexed. How can I make this young lady happy if there is no other way to make her happy other than to make a ruckus running from one beis midrash to the next, falsely declaring myself the Moshiach? Even during the worst of COVID, when I had serious issues getting my medication and had to make Shabbos and Pesach all alone in my apartment, I did not stoop to such lows, even when my chevre and I were being bombarded with laughably ridiculous “COVID Lockdown and Simanei Moshiach” video clips in our WhatsApp groups. If this girl is willing to get the mental help she needs to free her of this twisted Shabbetai Zvi mindset, then I am willing to tie the knot. How would you respond to this?
Response
My initial reaction to your sad dilemma was, “Oh, my G-d, there is so much wrong here and it is clear you have been terribly misguided.” Let’s start from the beginning, before I get to respond to your question. In the first place, why on earth would you state on your résumé that you have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder? Not only that, but in your words, you state that you believe it is “absolutely crucial.” Forgive me, but disclosing your medical history on a piece of paper that goes electronically viral, where you have no clue into whose amateurish hands it can fall is not just misguided, it’s reckless and foolish. Did anyone advise you not to do that? Did they tell you to put that in and maybe the kitchen sink too, because—why not? Did they tell you that you must be upfront and honest with everyone who tries to help you find a shidduch whether or not they have the right to know?
I would never advise anyone to misrepresent themselves to a shadchan or someone they are dating, but any information that has the potential to fall under HIPAA laws is not meant for public service announcements. Do you realize what harm you have already caused yourself? Shadchanim mean well, and they want to make shidduchim, so when they see a mental health diagnosis disclosed on a shidduch résumé, they naturally assume that there is more going on than just what they read, and in an effort to make a shidduch they will match the individual with someone they assume is a good fit. In your case, the shadchan matched a young man with bipolar disorder to a young lady with bipolar disorder because that’s what made practical sense. I will take the liberty in assuming your shadchan is not a mental health professional, so matching you with a delusional young lady and encouraging you to go ahead with the shidduch is, in her mind, a match made in heaven.
Telling you not to worry about it and to just focus on making her happy because this shidduch prospect is the best you can do because your respective bipolar diagnoses render you nebachs among the more mainstream shidduch candidates should be enough evidence for you to see why no single should ever state anything sensitive and private on a shidduch résumé.
I want to take this topic on another angle. We need to be certain that the young lady’s wish for a husband who is Moshiach is really about her being delusional and not coming from a place where she is seeking to marry a pious man who is so holy that he can be compared to Moshiach, and she hopes that someone like him could be Moshiach, as in a manner of speech. I hope you can appreciate the difference between the two. To clarify my point, there are circumstances where if a baby boy is born on Tishah B’Av, the parents and grandparents may tell everyone that this child is the future Moshiach. I’ve even heard family members mention that at the speeches at brisim. Are they being delusional? No, because according to Jewish tradition, Moshiach is said to be born on Tishah B’Av, and the family has high hopes that this child will grow up to be such a tzaddik that he will be worthy of being Moshiach, or they are just trying to bring some humor to an otherwise serious simcha. The bottom line is that whatever they say is not meant to be taken at face value, although I’m certain there are guests hearing such comments who might think the family is delusional.
Here is what I recommend you do if you like this young lady. Go out with her again and speak to her face to face. Although you shared with your shadchan that your lineage as a Ben Levi precludes you from ever being Moshiach, it is not necessary to bring that up on your next date as that might avert the conversation from your true purpose, which is to determine if the young lady is just overly spiritual or perhaps truly delusional.
Here is what you need to know. People who are delusional are unable to perceive reality and they are hyper-focused on their false belief even with overwhelming proof that it is not so. On your date with the young lady, tell her that you want to circle back to when she said that she very badly wants her husband to be Moshiach. Explain that the comment fascinated you, and you want to hear more about what she means by that. Ask her to tell you what has been going on in her life, and when she started having such thoughts. Find out if she recently attended shiurim, and what she heard being lectured. Ask her point blank what she really hopes to find in a man who will be her husband, and how she envisions living a Torah life as a married woman, and mother, iy’H.
Please do not attempt to play therapist with her, and do not contradict anything she says, even if you strongly disagree with her. You are there to determine if she is someone you can marry. If it turns out that she meant nothing bizarre about her Moshiach comment, and she hopes to marry a true ben Torah who can be on the level expected of Moshiach, that should hopefully assuage your fears that perhaps at the time you read more into it than what it was.
That is not to say you should totally dismiss her bipolar diagnosis, meaning just as you are stabilized and take all treatments for your condition, no less should be expected of her if you are to continue having a relationship with her.
If it turns out that she is really unstable, then that date should be your final one (with her) and make it clear to your shadchan that your refusal to continue is non-negotiable. Do not even give her the chance to insult you again by implying that this young lady is the best you can do. Excuse yourself politely and hang up the phone. It concerns me that you stated early on that shadchanim were involved in setting you up with this young lady. To me it means that your information is shared by a shidduch group, though one shadchan seems to be the spokesperson. Either way, moving forward, if you don’t continue dating this young lady, please revise your shidduch résumé, reach out to different shadchanim, and disclose your diagnosis only to the young lady you date. You are entitled to maintain health-related privacy, whether with your physical or mental health.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
