Dating

Question

This story first happened when my daughter was a newbie at shidduchim. She had come home from her third date with a nice boy and she was smiling. She didn’t talk about fireworks, but she was calm and comfortable. I asked her how she felt about him and she said, “He’s good, I feel like myself around him.” That night, someone who knew my daughter was dating this boy called her up and scared her about something she had heard. The next day, the shadchan followed up about the date to find out how things were going and we told her, “She’s not going to continue going out with him.”

Months later, she ran into him at a vort. My husband and I were there too. The boy looked the same. He even acted warmly towards all of us. My daughter realized that nothing about the last dates had changed anything about him or how she felt about him. The only thing that changed were the naysayers around her. We looked into the shidduch again and only heard good things about him. Everything the person on the phone said was pure lashon ha’ra. How can we go about revisiting this shidduch? My husband was considering going over to him at the vort, but my daughter said it would be too embarrassing. What advice can you give us?

Response

This is a painful realization, and a very human one. You are describing something that happens far more often than people care to admit. A promising connection is quietly derailed, not by the two people involved, but by fear, noise, and unsolicited third party “information.” These are moments in life that stay with us, not because anything dramatic happened, but because, in retrospect, we realize that something unnecessary shaped the outcome. For many families that are navigating the world of shidduchim, this is a familiar scenario: a young lady comes home from a date, calm and grounded. No fireworks. No butterflies. Just the quiet, steady feeling of being herself around someone else. “I feel like myself around him,” she says. Those words are deceptively simple, but so profound. They reflect authenticity, comfort, and a foundation upon which a strong relationship can grow.

When a child comes home from a date not talking about fireworks or infatuation and says something quiet but meaningful in a world obsessed with instant chemistry, that sentence is gold. And yet, sometimes that still isn’t enough to protect a shidduch, as has happened here. Someone calls. Someone “knows” something. Someone “heard” something. Fear enters the room, uncertainty replaces calm, and suddenly, what was once a promising shidduch is derailed. Months later, the same young woman runs into that same man. He looks the same, behaves warmly, and nothing about him has changed. It is the voices around them, not the people themselves, that shifted the narrative.

Unfortunately, this script has been played over and over in various hashkafic circles since way back when, as I said earlier. The differences are the players in that script, and perhaps the tale. It’s mind-boggling how people who claim to be frum engage in messing up other people’s shidduchim. It’s scary to think that some people have no problem going into battle with Hashem.

I once heard at a shiur that the father of a young lady went to a rebbe and was crying unconsolably. He explained to the rebbe that the neighbor who lives downstairs from them is ruining his daughter’s shidduchim by saying negative things. The rebbe closed his eyes, and while deep in thought, he exclaimed, “Your daughter’s zivug will ask a different neighbor. And so it was, the daughter eventually got married, no thanks to the downstairs neighbor, but nevertheless, he was unable to hurt her. Where it relates to shidduchim it’s all from Hashem. He is the One who is mezaveig zivugim. What He has decreed no man can take apart. I cannot predict the outcome of the dilemma you presented to me, except to offer you some advice and encourage you to trust in Hashem’s plan.

You raised a challenging, but vital question: How does a family revisit a shidduch after it was derailed by lashon ha’ra? The first thing to do is to recognize the obstacle that ended the shidduch. That requires clarity. It’s important to differentiate between a shidduch that ended because of genuine incompatibility and one derailed by noise, rumors, unverified concerns, or external pressure. From a hashkafic perspective, this is a crucial distinction. The Torah warns us repeatedly about lashon ha’ra, calling it not only a sin against another person but a spiritual poison that can cloud judgment, distort perception, and disrupt lives. Understanding that the derailment was caused by external voices, not by inherent flaws in the potential match, is the first step in moving forward responsibly.

Revisiting a shidduch should always be done through a shadchan or trusted intermediary. Direct contact is rarely appropriate, because it risks embarrassment, as your daughter pointed out. It puts pressure on the person who was rejected; moreover, it creates emotional imbalance.

A well-framed approach is simple and dignified via the same shadchan (if possible). You can say that at the time, your daughter paused on the shidduch due to information that later proved inaccurate. If he is still available and open, state that she would like to explore whether there is room to revisit.

At this point it is not necessary to mention the individual who spoke lashon ha’ra by name. Recounting gossip is bad form. Besides, it was your daughter who chose to end that relationship without even looking into the truth of what she heard. That said, you cannot assign blame to anyone else. The goal is to restore opportunity, not to reargue the past.

It is critical to remember that revisiting a shidduch is not a right, it’s a request. The young man may feel open, cautious, or completely uninterested. The shadchan must first gauge his willingness without any pressure. This step embodies derech eretz and chesed, acting with integrity and respect for the other person. Forcing a reunion is neither ethical nor productive; instead, one creates space for voluntary engagement.

If both sides are open, the process must begin anew. This is not “picking up from where we left off.” It is a fresh start, guided by maturity, clarity, and boundaries. It is basically a reset of the relationship. There are key principles that must be strongly considered.

Your daughter should be silent about the past: It is critical that the couple should not rehash old dates, rumors, or mistakes. They should focus on direct experience from that point on. Their judgments should be based on their interactions, not secondhand information. From here on, all parties must promise themselves that they will build strong boundaries against outside commentary. No unsolicited advice or updates from friends and family.

At the right moment, a brief acknowledgment may be appropriate by having her repeat to herself as a mantra: “Last time, I allowed outside voices to influence me, and I’ve reflected on that.” This single line demonstrates growth, responsibility, and honesty. Overexplaining, however, risks reintroducing confusion or emotional baggage.

One of the lessons of this experience should be to create safeguards for the future. Decide whose opinions genuinely matter. Avoid acting on unverified information. Practice discernment while maintaining trust in Hashem’s guidance. There is a reason we’re taught that one should make choices with both wisdom and fear of Hashem, not influenced by baseless gossip. In practical terms, this means trusting firsthand experience and ignoring the noise.

From a spiritual perspective, it is possible that the pause was part of hashgachah pratis. Perhaps both sides needed growth, or perhaps the lesson about lashon ha’ra was necessary for spiritual refinement. Revisiting a shidduch with humility, clarity, and emotional restraint can transform what was once a misstep into a profound opportunity for spiritual and relational growth.

Because this issue keeps coming up in shidduchim, I will conclude with a lesson for all readers. If a young woman says, “I feel like myself around him,” that voice deserves to be heard above the noise. Shidduchim thrive on clarity, character, and quiet confidence, not on gossip, fear, or external pressure. Revisiting a shidduchafter lashon ha’ra is not about undoing the past. It’s about choosing to move forward—more wisely, more gently, and with greater emunah. Sometimes the right path is not to give up, but to return—with eyes open, hearts grounded, and trust in Hashem’s guiding hand. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].