Dis-Entitled

By: Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox

Chazal say (Pirkei Avot 3:2) if not for fear of government, there would be anarchy and chaos. Whether we agree with government policies or question them, there is an essential ethic of maintaining some measure of respect and fear for the government of our host country. In times gone by, many communities offered prayers on behalf of their leaders, whether they were elected, self-appointed, dictators, or a monarchy. In our day, many synagogues offer a communal prayer asking that the leaders should be guided from Above and turn a caring heart to Jews who reside in their land.

Of course, there have been places and eras throughout our history in the Diaspora where expressing criticism or disagreement with the local leaders was at best dangerous and at worst treasonous. In more recent times, some countries allow freedom of speech and the press, and one can say almost anything about and against an elected official short of libel. We have taken politics out of our capitals and placed it in the media. Elections and attitudes can be swayed based on the most convincing or radicalized pundit or platform. Similar to some court cases where the winning side is often the one with the most dramatic and convincing attorney, the winners in a political race are often those with the most positive press coverage.

My focus this week is not on complaining about this trend nor about trying to change it. I am limiting myself to a detail. I grew up with a first name which is what people called me, and how people knew me. When I got a little older, my peers began referring to each other by their last name, although not to their face. So, my friends still might have called me by my first name, but when talking about me or referring to me in conversations, they referred to me by my last name. Years later, it was a jolt to my wife and me when our youngest son’s friends began referring to each other by their last names as early as third grade. It smacked of the emerging impersonal nature of children’s friendships, something far different than we had experienced growing up. It seemed to herald a decrease in the innocence of children, who often form strong bonds of friendship by sharing fun times together.

Later on, we referred to older people by their title: Mr., Mrs., Rabbi, Dr., Professor, etc. Few of us would refer to an older adult by his proper name or his last name. Referring to them by their title was just part of showing respect, so the adults in our lives were always Mr. or Mrs. Whether or not this made them feel respected, it showed us youngsters that we were not their equals, and by not referring to them by their first name, we bestowed the proper respect and deference. And this practice instilled in us the importance of maintaining respectful boundaries.

This practice was good for us and important for our interpersonal development. I think back on the handful of peers whose parents insisted that we call them by their first names. My own parents did not support this practice. When I look back at those parents, it seems that many of them suffered from stunted development and faulty parental judgment, as if their discomfort with the title of “Mr.” or “Mrs.” was a reflection of their resistance to accepting that they were no longer children. That was my impression in my younger years.

What brought this train of thought to mind was an observation while reading a news article, actually many news articles. Regardless of who you vote for, an elected official has earned a title. I do not think that the English press referred to the former queen as Elizabeth. She was either referred to as “Her Majesty” or as Queen Elizabeth. I do not think that while in office, President Eisenhower was called Dwight. And LBJ was never called “Lyndon.” (Although I once had a schizophrenic patient who had a delusion that Torah leaders sought his advice; he told me that the Chofetz Chaim used to ask him for guidance and, since they were on a first-name basis, he would tell him, “You know, Chofetz, you should….”)

The press refers to the president (usually in disparaging articles) as “Trump.” Deleting the earned title of “president” points to the erosion not of his office nor of the quality of his leadership, because people will debate those points based on their political persuasion. The omission of the earned title of “president” points to the erosion of our own values, our own respect for the standards of decency and civility that were once an essential part of our national character. And sure enough, echoing the wisdom of our Sages, when that respect is gone, we will see chaos and anarchy at greater and greater levels. 

Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox is a forensic and clinical psychologist, and director of Chai Lifeline Crisis Services. To contact Chai Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis helpline, call 855-3-CRISIS or email [email protected]. Learn more at ChaiLifeline.org/crisis.