In A Class, By Themselves

One of the questions that rebbeim and teachers frequently ask me is how to orient towards an orphaned child. While technically we use the term orphan to refer to someone bereft of both parents, some use the term “single orphan” to refer to a child who has lost just one parent. Regardless, the clinical dilemma is essentially the same. How should one treat a child who returns to school after losing one or both parents?

It is commendable that a rebbe or teacher should pose this question! At times, I have been told by someone in that position that they do not allow for “nonsense,” and therefore they will treat the orphaned student just like any other. Another teacher even told me that he had lost a parent at that age and “no one treated me special, so I for sure will not treat him any differently than anyone else.”

Whatever one’s personal history on the subject, there are some important guidelines to follow with an orphaned student, along with strategies we can all make use of, even if we’re not teachers. Firstly, one should consider the circumstances of the loss. The more horrible and sudden the demise, the more destabilized the child might be. Secondly, the age of the child is a factor. Younger children are more dependent on parents and that loss can be more frightening. The age and stage of development is also of significance because a child’s needs from his parents (both the mother and father) will change with age. For example, a young child who is dependent on his mother will deal with her death differently than an older child who may be more bonded with the surviving father. Thirdly, the gender of the lost parent and the surviving child can be factors that influence the impact of their loss.

There is a line between showing a child support and sympathy versus reinforcing the child’s sense that we view him as a helpless victim. Some teachers automatically assume that showing the child support and sympathy means excusing him from tests and homework. Others take the strident view that “no one gets away with anything in my class, and I will not tolerate a child making excuses for himself and slacking off.” I have had calls from a solo parent who reports that the teacher has never acknowledged the child’s loss and is tough and demanding. This can be a stress on a child who may have lost his father and has no one to review his Torah learning with, and is now falling behind in class. This can be a sad pressure on a child who at times feels vulnerable, yet feels that the teacher is oblivious to his pain on losing a parent.

However, when a teacher goes to the opposite extreme and exempts the child from schoolwork, the child may dislike the feeling that they are being pitied and treated like a “nebach.” I have had students complain to me that their teachers “act like ever since the death, I have become stupid as if I can no longer do school work.”

It is important that the teachers are prepped about a child’s loss and family situation so they can be sensitive to that child’s new reality. Sensitivity includes using words that express empathy for the child’s loss, and communicating the message that this will be an adjustment phase for them in which they are not alone. I usually encourage teachers to approach the child and engage in caring discussion, advising the child that if they are struggling, they should not hesitate to let them know that they need to talk. I also encourage the teacher to check in gently with a quiet or withdrawn student and initiate tactful discussion. Most students do not seek to feel pitied and just want to get back into a normal classroom routine, even if they will need some support in catching up. On the other hand, if a student is struggling and the teacher remains demanding and insensitive to his plight as a bereaved child, the school environment can feel harsh and uncaring, and the child may withdraw or stop performing at their level. Checking in with a child and expressing caring interest in how they are doing creates a safer haven in the classroom for the orphaned child where they can hopefully build a sense of belonging. n

Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox is a forensic and clinical psychologist, and director of Chai Lifeline Crisis Services. To contact Chai Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis helpline, call 855-3-CRISIS or email [email protected]. Learn more at www.chailifeline.org/crisis.